I finally got to watch “The Monuments Men” last night and, as usual cheered for the good guys, (us) to beat the livin’ crap outta the Snotzie’s. (Nazis, bad guys)
So like here it is decades later and they’re still making movies about Nazis and World War II. Seems like that subject never gets old.
I assume it’s because there were so many Nazi stories to come out of that conflict. And, I guess the Snotzies were really despicable bad no goodniks in comparison to the Japanese. Not that I should cut the Japanese any slack mind you, but I say that because other than the movies “Pearl Harbor” and “Tora Tora Tora” you don’t see a lot of movies made about the Japanese.
Then again, the Japanese did not have access to an organization called “Odessa” which basically was a secret employment agency for Nazi’s after the war and sent a lot of them here to the United States to do work for us. You know, polishing boots, because they were really good at spit shining Nazi boots and stuff.
Not really, but seemed like a good excuse to bring some of them here.
If you think I’m full of beans, or whatever, about Snotzies coming to America after the war, check this out: http://on.scout.com/yyw62
But most of them were rocket scientists and tech nerds that we put to good use after the war. Which is how we developed the electric can opener and that “check engine” light on your dashboard that keeps flashing and ya can’t get rid of it. They did get their revenge that way.
Soooo, I said to myself, “Self, why is it your Snotzie novel, “The Covert Chamber,” never made it to the big screen?”
And my self answered, “Beats the livin crap outta me.”
And I followed the golden rule of writing. Which was to have a murder scene right off the bat to catch readers. Hence some shady characters who knock off a guy in the first chapter.
Then the main character who is a normal type nerd who gets involved in all this murder and intrigue. And his girlfriend, (gotta have a girlfriend in a murder story just in case they decide to make a movie and need some sex and nudes scenes in it) and, lastly, a cat. I threw in the cat, “Sylvester,” because my other half made me.
Now, as far as those no goodnik Snotzies, I managed to come up with a bunch of them. Which was easy to do because there really weren’t any really nice Snotzies. Um, well, I did cut some slack for my main character, who was kind of a nice Snotzie, but I knocked him off in the first chapter. I hated to do it, but, ya gotta have a murder in there somewhere.
So anyhow, the point of all this is that with so many Snotzie movies like “The Monuments Men,” and “Inglorious Bastards” still attracting an audience, I said to myself, “Hey, what the hell, write a book about Snotzie’s and those Hollywood guys are gonna come knockin’ on my door and I’ll be famous and make a gazillion dollars off of the movie rights.”
Apparently I was mistaken. (sniff) No one was interested in MY Snotzies. Go figure.
And I even spent hundreds of dollars to promote my book. Um, well, er, not hundreds. Ok…ok….just under thirty bucks in mailing out copies of my book to directors like Steven Spielberg, Ron Howard, Steven King and Alfred Hitchcock.
(I forgot Hitchcock passed away some years ago so that was $5.95 wasted in postage….damn!)
Each time I mailed out my book, several weeks later I got the entire package back unopened. Which led me to say to myself, WTF!
I mean, can YOU resist opening a package sent to you? Of course not. So, again, WTF!
Unless the package was making a ticking noise and you had a lot of enemies. Then it would be understandable to send it back…..fast.
So, because basically I’m a shallow person, I thought I’d write this blog about my book today and perhaps some aspiring movie director might say to himself, “Hey, a Snotzie book…..think I’ll make a movie based on that book.”
(Note to any movie director reading today’s blog. I can be bought off verrrrry cheap)
Now here’s where you blog readers come into play. If any of you know a movie director personally, do me a favor and mention my book to them. Even if you haven’t read it. Just lie your ass off. Works for most politicians.
Ok….I think I’m done grovelling for today.
Um, did I mention that the book also has time travel in it, actual historic facts, a bunch of actual rotten low down despicable Snotzies, Adolf and Eva, the FBI, CIA, and a mysterious chamber that everyone wants to get their hands on. Is that great or what!
Oh yeah, and the cat.
Hmmmm. Maybe I should just stick to writing this stupid blog.
Don’t have to spend any money on mailing out books and getting them back unopened.
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