Look folks……I completely understand how cell phones have evolved from giant 2 by 4’s to tiny little devices that you can shove in your ear or up your nose and receive all sorts of information besides just phone calls.
I understand all those options such as data plans, text messaging, music downloads, Internet connection capabilities and having cell phones turn on your coffee pot and take naked photos of your girlfriend without her knowing it.
Great! But I personally do not need all of that stuff I basically want a damn cell phone that I can call people with, or they can call me, and that, on occasion, I can take a photo of my cats with. Or strange people I come across in a WalMart. THAT’S IT!!!
So do ya think I can simply walk into my local cell phone store and do that? NO!
First of all, after the sales rep gets over his fit of uncontrollable laughter from observing my current Nokia dinosaur cell phone which I’ve had since 1892, he then attempts to fill me in on what cell phones can do now……..in comparison to what my cell phone can’t do. Like I give a rats ass.
“Well Mr. Misfit, I see you have a Nokia phone that you can make and receive calls on and take a photo or two. Soooo, I also see that you bought it back in 1892…..kinda a bit outdated don’t ya think?”
“Um, well, it worked fine until I dropped it into the bathroom toilet last week when I bent over to flush it and…….”
“Say no more. I get the picture. But fear not. We here at the AT&T store are here to help you by showing you the amazing line of new phones we have at your disposal.”
“Great! Can I just get the same kind of Nokia phone that I had?”
“WHAT! Are you nucking futs! This is the 21st century pal. Ya gotta get up with the times. Nobody has just a cell phone that makes and receives calls anymore.”
“But all I want is one that does that and has a camera. That’s it!”
“No, no, no…….that’s NOT what you want. You want a cell phone like this “Groznick 1500″ that you can do anything on. It has a data plan, text messaging, camera, the Internet, and, in the case of a nuclear attack, you can push this red button here and destroy yourself before a bomb hits you first.”
“But I don’t need all that stuff. I don’t have ANY data, and even if I did it’s not worth saving because the only data I save is how much money I have stashed in my penny jar. I don’t text anyone because, believe it or not, I TALK to people. And besides, I want a flip phone that just does normal stuff.”
“But sir, you really should upgrade to a Smart Phone. It has a touch screen and it does everything.”
“Ya mean like butt dialing stuff?”
“Yeah, like when my friend Bobby sits on his phone that’s in his back pocket, and the phone recognizes his butt, dials me, and all I hear are dogs barking.”
“Well, obviously you can’t carry your Smart Phone in your back pocket because that will happen on occasion. I myself get calls from my friend Ralph who visits a lot of houses of ill repute and I’m not EVEN gonna tell ya what I hear.”
“Ok…so ya get my point here. All I want is a damn flip phone with no bells and whistles.”
“Bells and whistles? No, our phones do not come with bells and whistles so you’re ok there. But some of the phone ring options do have some neat sounds. Like this one, seeing that you own cats….here….listen……”
“Meow….meow….meow…purr purr purr.”
“Um, no, sorry. Do ya have one that just rings?”
“No sir, not since 1978.”
So we go round and round in the cell phone store after an hour of the agent showing me 6 gazillion different phones that do just about everything except have sex with you, and I suspect there may be an app for that coming down the pike soon, so I just eased my way outta the store and sulked as I drove back home.
Now I understand that I, at some point have to concede that I’m eventually going to have to upgrade my old cell phone if I want to communicate with the rest of the world. Which would be my friend Bobby, Tom and lottery headquarters to see what my daily losing number was.
For the moment, I figure I’ll just deal with not having a cell phone and resort to using my cordless.
Go ahead….laugh. But considering I do not venture too far in the course of my everyday life, like into the yard and back, WTF do I need a damn cell phone for anyhow. Ya think I want to wind up like these idiots………..
Yes….I know. Suppose I get stuck on the highway when I do go out. Well smart ass, what the hell did I do before cell phones? I got outta my car and waved my arms, yelling and screaming, and guess what…..someone came to my rescue. So there!
And get this news flash. I actually took pictures using a (gasp) camera! Got all my data from reading the newspaper and watching TV. And I once farted into my phone for laughs when I was talking to Bobby, so that’s the extent of my “butt dialing.” AND……with my corded phones I never had to worry about dropping it into the toilet. Take THAT AT&T!
One final note here. Do I, being a dinosaur, really want a phone that’s smarter than me? NO!
I had to deal with a bunch of smart ass kids in high school that were smarter than me so I sure as hell DO NOT want a freakin’ smart phone that’s smarter than me.
So I’m pretty much content having all the stuff in my house dumber than I am. That way I’m in complete control. I rule the roost. Nothing in my house is gonna be smarter than me.
With the exception of my other half who DOES have one of those upgraded phones.
But still doesn’t know how to use all of the functions.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha.
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