You know you live in a small town when you plug in your electric shaver and all the lights in town dim…………
Ba da boom ba da bing!
OR…..you know you live in a small town when you sit down to read the breaking news in your local newspaper and one of the top stories by their crack reporting team is this:
YES! Crime running rampant in Waterford, Connecticut with, what I assume was a SWAT team, arresting a guy for illegal fishing activities.
Holy crap Batman!!! Which is the sacred term for all fish stories deemed holy but really are a bunch of crap and that Batman and Robin, were they fighting crime running rampant, would totally ignore.
So I sat there this morning saying to myself…..WTF! THAT is a news story that needs to be in the freakin’ newspaper? Would I like be salivating at the thought of sitting in front of my TV tonight just waiting for perhaps video of that SWAT team taking that perp into custody and hauling his butt off to some dark jail cell. Bastard.
Authorities from the “Environmental Conservation Police” AND “The State Department of Energy,” charged this guy with, (gasp) fishing with a suspended license, (major crime) and possession of bluefish in excess of the creel limit, possession of tautog and striped bass below the legal size, (obviously minors) and on top of all those dastardly charges, possession of an outboard motor with a defaced factory engine or number. OMFG!!!!
Even worse, are they gonna water board this guy? Make him spill the beans, or worms, about other fisherman terrorist cells in our area.
Where TF is the Obama administration when ya need them? How long has this fish rip off been going on? And when did authorities know about all this fishy stuff? And who knew?
Sounds like a huge scandal to me. Might need another Congressional investigation into this matter.
So after charging this criminal for abusing fish, um, sorry, he really didn’t abuse fish, just caught them illegally…and…..um….where the hell was I going with this…..oh yeah, after charging this guy and throwing the “scales” of justice at him for “hooking” fish illegally, (not the same as hooking a hooker, which is a much lesser charge if caught) they also suspended his license and set a court date for him.
Now I had no idea that all of this “fishy” crime stuff was actually a problem in my area. Had I known that something rotten smelled in Denmark, (in this case Waterford, Ct.) I would have kept an eye open, (or a nose…..fish smell) for anyone attempting to break the law.
I’m just glad my local newspaper, “The New London Day,” made my “day” by devoting an entire column to this very important story.
Actually the entire story was longer than some of the blogs I write. Which either means I should be writing more blogs about crimes involving fish committed by perps than other stuff, or, I really gotta subscribe to the “The Boston Globe” and read some really important crime stuff. Boston being a major city with all sorts of hot news stories.
Hmmm. Let’s see what breaking news The Globe went with:
“Saturday is the last day on the job for Frank Cannalonga, who has been cutting hair on Trapelo Road for 50 years”
SEE! Cutting edge news. None of this fishy namby pamby guy gets arrested for molesting fish stuff. And..um……WAIT!
THAT’S one of the lead stories in the Boston Globe! WTF!
DAMN! And I thought I had it bad with that fish story. Well, guess I’ll just have to accept the fact that any crime news in my local newspaper is better than no crime news.
As it is now I pay $1.00 for my paper and it’s usually 10 to 12 pages, most of it advertising, classifieds, obits, comics, TV section, sports and that major crime section. Imagine what I’d have to pay for the paper if major crimes did exist in my area.
So maybe it’s a good thing there’s never really anything worth reporting about here. Other than fish crimes.Which brings me back to living in a small town.
And the skies are not cloudy all dayyyyyyyyyy. Home home on the range…..where the deer and the antleope play, um, did I mention I live in a small town and one of the most coveted jobs is sheep counting…………http://youtu.be/P2vgKSszu7Q
How can you tell if YOU live in a small town……………..
The “road hog” in front of you on Main Street is a farmer’s combine.
The local phone book has only one yellow page.
Third Street is on the edge of town.
You don’t signal turns because everyone knows where you’re going, anyway.
You call a wrong number and they supply you with the correct one.
Everyone knows all the news before it’s published, they just read the hometown paper to see whether the publisher got it right.
The city limits signs are both on the same post!
The City jail is called amoeba, because it only has one cell.
The McDonald’s only has one Golden Arch.
And finally…………You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from a small town.
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