Chicago Nuns Want Nun…..Um….None of This (strip clubs)


Nuns and friends protesting. Unfortunately I was unable to attend that event as I was in a strip club gathering information um, for…um…this story…yeah, that’s it….I was gathering information.

Nuns to the rescue. And, when ya think about it, with those long flowing robes, that sometimes resemble capes, nuns in Chicago may be able to come across as actual super heroes trying to get a strip club closed in the Chicago suburb of Stoned Park……oops….I meant “Stone Park.” Sorry.

Worked for Zorro.


Might help their crusade if they did dress like Zorro

Like Mighty Mouse always said, “Hereeeeee I am to save the day….”

So why are Chicago nuns out to save the day….or possibly even some nights as well? And what dastardly villain is threatening to tie up Tess Trueheart to some railroad tracks whilst the train lurks off in the far distance?

Well, the dastardly villain is a strip club owner who had the audacity to open a strip club across from a fence that belongs to a convent. HOW DARE HIM! THAT NO GOODNIK BASTARD!

And, of course this is how it all started:

Give em an inch and.........

Give em an inch and………

Soooo, as the story goes, the “The Missionary Sisters of St. Charles Borromeo” are going to sue the strip club. (I have no idea who St. Charles of Borromeo is, but then again, he probably doesn’t know who I am either)

They base their suit on the fact that the state of Illinois mandates a 1,000-foot buffer zone between adult entertainment venues and places of worship and schools. Although I know a lot of guys who worship for a similar venue close to them and pray and worship it becomes a reality.

They also cite the deprivation of it all. Which would be the noise, glaring neon lights, fist fights, and heaps of litter that include empty whiskey bottles and used condoms.

Same thing ya find at any sporting event. Except the sport is a bit different.


Looks like a nice enough place to me

According to this article written by reporter Mary Wisniewski, the 3 million dollar club called, “Club Allure,” which opened last September, is just across the back fence from the convent, which has three chapels, a home for retired sisters, and a house for young nuns.

Which to me, being as naive as I am, would seem to be the perfect location for those nuns to get those sinners to repent. Kinda like nun on the job training.

“Hey you sir, over there in the bushes with that seedy stripper…..repent young man before it’s too late.”

“Huh…who me sista? Repent? Geez….ya know, if ya had come over to da fence five minutes earlier I might have repented, but me and da stripper already got it on, so um, maybe next time.”

But, alas, the lawyer for the nuns still thinks it’s a bad idea for that club to be just over the  fence from the convent.

He’s quoted as saying, “The Sisters have every right to pray and work peacefully without disruption from a strip club in their backyard.”

Which I’m sure the club countered with by stating that patrons also have the right to pray for a really good date with a stripper and work peacefully securing some quality time with them. For a few bucks of course. Which I’m sure they’d be more than happy to fork over a few bucks to the convent if they’d promise to stop peeking over that fence. My guess anyhow.


They had me on the extra whipped cream

To further muddy up the waters, or fence, Stone Park attorney Dean Krone said on Tuesday that the 1,000-foot limit applies to most of the state, but a one-mile (1.6 km) restriction applies to suburban Cook County, which includes Stone Park.

He said the Cook County limit is unconstitutional because it would prohibit any kind of strip club in the small towns in the county, which would violate free speech protections.

Now unless I’m missing something here, WTF does “free speech” have to do with stripping?

Unless you count the grunts and groans strippers make when they’re disrobing. Or is it the patrons grunting and groaning when the strippers are disrobing. Not sure on that one.

THEN, I guess he may have a point there. You know, free speech, as in grunting and groaning. Makes complete sense to me.


Throw in some ice cream, nuts, and yes, whipped cream and I’m all yours baybeeee

So, even though nun of….um….none of this makes sense to me, because I think if the club has been in operation since last September, why the fuss now?

I CAN understand the nuns concern about the noise and the empty whiskey bottles, loud noise and condoms, but on the other hand there is a fence separating the convent and, as I said earlier, what better venue to train new nuns on getting sinners to repent than right in your own backyard.

Personally I don’t see how either side can solve this problem. The business has a right to exist, as does the convent have the right to peace and quiet.

Unless the sisters take some other measures that might send a message to the club that two can play the same game.

Like to counter the loud music, crank up the convent organ and constantly play Dave Baby Cortez’s ‘The Happy Organ.” That’ll drive em nuts.

Those fist fights. Have those nuns tack up giant posters on that back fence, something like this one on one end of the fence.Image009

And this one on the other end of the fence.Image010

Might send them a subtle message. Can’t hurt.

As far as the littering problem goes along with the discarded whiskey bottles, “Hey Sisters, did ya ever hear of recycling?” Yeah, five cents a bottle and you’ve got a weeks worth of alms.

Now that last problem, those discarded condoms, that’s a tough one. The only way I can see to at least not make it so unsightly is to have the sisters simply buy as many multi-colored balloons as they can, toss them over the fence every night, thereby blending in the condoms with the balloons, and if the Pope ever comes to visit them, it really will look kinda festive rather than tacky.

Sorry, sisters, it’s the best I can do.

Um….I’m going to hell aren’t I……..


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About misfit120

Former disc jockey, (Dick Jones) 30 years, and author of, "I Could Have Been Famous But Sex, Love & Life Got In The Way" available at books, & Kindle, "The Covert Chamber" a mystery novel available at and Barnes & Noble, and "Forgotten" the story of two WWI pilots who were forgotten for over 70 years available on and Kindle
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