Thank God I don’t work anymore. I’d be the perfect candidate for another stinkin’ necktie. Do you know how many years fathers across the world have had to endure the dreaded “necktie” gift every single Father’s Day.
Those damn things should have been banned years ago anyhow. What the hell purpose does a tie serve anyhow? I’m sure it was conceived back in the ol West during a hanging.
“Hey Hoss, what say instead of leavin’ that there noose around ol Tex’s neck we kinda decorate it with flowers or somthin’ so he’ll look real pretty all laid out and dead.”
Well, this year all of you women and children take heed. Forget the damn necktie. Be creative. Go for the gold. Show dad you really care about him with some suggestions for Father’s Day gift ideas.
If you’re reading this before giving him that stupid gift you bought for him, throw it in the trash and head for Home Depot, Lowes, any gizmo store or a nearby erotic store. You can spot the erotic store by the gaudy colors on their exterior or the giant inflatable doll hanging in the window with the big stems.
Or just look for a bunch of guys in heavy overcoats and dark glasses sneaking in through the rear door.
First, what every woman thinks about on Father’s day when dad is being honored in comparison to what mothers have to endure:
And what every man thinks after enduring years of being a father………….
Now some gift ideas.
An I Pad, J Pad, K Pad, L Pad or any Pad with an initial in front of it. No women Pads though……(sorry)
A remote-controlled mouse for his computer. No need to purchase the cheese accessory to go with it. Although a remote control cat to go along with the mouse might be a nice addition.
If he’s into oldies, browse through the oldie section at your local music store, but make absolutely sure you know HIS musical tastes and do not base this on your own interpretation of music.
A musical CD of Rap music will only make him barf or severely cut your chances of getting any future cash advances. Check the year he was a teenager and go from there. Unless your dad was a complete nerd, then it’s ok to go with the rap music……he won’t know the difference.
Or Barry Manilow albums.
For those of you with single dads….like in divorced, unmarried or hiding out in a small town in Kentucky to avoid paying alimony, the perfect gift would be a framed notice from the IRS that they’re auditing his ex-wife. Either that or a really bad off-day photograph of his ex-wife before she plucks her chin hair.
If your dad was never married, you don’t really know who he is, but have some suspicions, narrow it down to the top three, send them each a Father’s Day card that says:
“Happy Father’s Day. I finally discovered that you’re my dad.”
“Give me a call, and I promise I won’t be mad.”
“If by chance you’re not my real father……Hey!”
“Just ignore this card and have a nice day.”
Another gift idea for those of you who don’t have a clue what to give him is kind of off beat…..but, being a man, I think it might be unique and quite different. A paint ball set. I know, I know…..you’re all thinking why the hell would I give him a paint ball set?
Because, my Father’s Day idea is the perfect gift for the frustrated father. Not only will he be able to take his frustration out on you or mom when he gets upset by simply shooting all of you with a harmless paintball, it will prevent him from murdering any of you when you piss him off all year long…..or one of you gives him that damn necktie.
Finally, even no good rotten low down stinkin’ ratfink dads need some love on this day. After all, it “IS” Father’s Day ya know.
Happy Father’s Day dads.
Now I’m off to open up my Fathers’s Day gift.
And if it’s a f***ing necktie….there’s going to be hell to pay.
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