Think Ya Got It Bad These Days? Take A Look At How It Used To Be…..OMFG!

Wanna guess what this is a photo of…………

mmmmmmmmmmm

19th century penis in a box (ouch)

If you guessed, “penis in a box,” you’re absolutely correct. Which is similar to a “Jack in the Box” but without the rest of Jack….only his penis.

Now if there was such a toy called, “Dick-in-a-Box” then that photo above might make more sense. What doesn’t make sense is who in the right mind in the 19th century would want it. Other than some pissed off wife who caught her husband cheating on her.

The web site “Opposing Views” felt it necessary to present all of us these wonderful ancient items possibly so that, considering Father’s Day is tomorrow, to remind us men just how great we have it today. Because most of these 18th and 19th century items are directed toward men.

Bastards.

So, as long as we’re on a penis…um, sorry….that didn’t sound right did it. Rats!

Let’s reword that.

As long as we’re showing strange penis things from other centuries, here’s another one. Again, possibly invented by some pissed off crazed housewife. A chastity belt for a man.

“Hey! Anybody got a pair of bolt cutters? Um…on second thought, anybody know how to pick a lock?”

mmmm

18th century male chastity belt

This next one is a torture device for witches. Other than those spiky things on the arms it really doesn’t look too threatening to me. I’m assuming a suspected witch was placed in this chair and somehow tortured.

Considering television was not around in the 18th century and you could have strapped witches in this chair and force them to watch episodes of “Honey Freakin’ Boo Boo,” I’m just going to assume they somehow improvised and made witches watch paint drying or something even worse…….like listening to their torturer run their fingernails over a blackboard. Extreme  torture for any witch.

mmmm

18th century torture device for witches

Yep, even back in the 1800’s they had artificial arms. This one in particular was really great if you had an itch. On the downside, not very good when attempting to cop a feel from some woman in a bar.

mmmmmmmm

1800’s artificial European arm

Now this next one has me baffled. It’s a Victorian era caged grave which, I guess, is supposed to prevent the dead from escaping once they’re buried. Now I know back then people were really weird and believed in all sorts of strange stuff. Vampires, (we’ll get to that later) werewolves, witches, spirits, and crazy politicians.

Some things never change.

Anyhow, I suspect some really smart con guy came up with this idea and figured he’d make a few bucks hawking this item. Like P. T Barnum used to say, “There’s a sucker born every minute.”

mmmmm

Hmmmm. 60 minutes in an hour. Boy am I gonna make a fortune here

 

mmmmm

Victorian era caged grave

Ok, I know doctor’s were not the greatest people to go to back in those ancient days. But, I suppose if you had no choice but to give it a shot, or die, WTF. But “blood-letting?” And they actually had devices to blood let you!

“You’re gonna do what with those things doc? F**k you….I’m outta here you quack.”

mmmmm

1850’s blood-letting items

Some guy in Egypt named Tabeketenmut, actually had an artificial toe made for him. Which was uncovered when they discovered his grave. Which most likely was the only thing left of him. Besides bones that is.

Why he needed an artificial toe is beyond me. Especially back in those days. Unless…….unless……..the game of football goes back a lot farther than we know.

Who knows…….could have been a team called “The Egyptian Patriots.”

mmmmmm

Artificial prosthetic toe from the tomb of Tabeketenmut

I mentioned vampires earlier because we all know that even today vampires are a pain in the butt, along with those freakin’ zombies. So this vampire/zombie problem dates back eons.

So….what to do? Same thing we do today. Make vampire and zombie movies so that we’ll all be scared as hell and run out and buy this item:

$24.99 Wal-Mart.

mmmmmmm

19th century vampire hunting kit

Do they still use garlic to ward off vampires? Or is that for werewolves? Better be some in that damn kit for $24.99.

The final item for every cyclist is this handy-dandy motorcycle hearse.

Hey…if you’re gonna become a windshield wiper bug casuality when some jerk in a Hummer cuts you off, ya might as well be prepared. Cuts down on expenses for your survivors as well. Hearse is right there. Throw your dead cold body into the hearse, load it on to a pickup and off to your final resting place.

Yes, I know that’s supposed to be a hearse because it has a casket attached to it. WTF!

If I attach a net in the back of my pickup truck does that make it a damn tennis court?

I rest my case.

mmmm

Early century motorcycle hearse

So there ya have it. A lot of really great useful things from centuries past.

Centuries from now, another blogger, if they still exist, will be writing another blog about stuff from our century showing some really weird stuff that’ll make readers all gasp with amazement.

Like maybe a photo out of an old family album of a dearly departed family member. Tear up, and then say to themselves, Hey! Wait a sec. WTF is a TV remote?”tv rem

Just sayin.’

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About misfit120

Former disc jockey, (Dick Jones) 30 years, and author of, "I Could Have Been Famous But Sex, Love & Life Got In The Way" available at Amazon.com books, & Kindle, "The Covert Chamber" a mystery novel available at Amazon.com and Barnes & Noble, and "Forgotten" the story of two WWI pilots who were forgotten for over 70 years available on Amazon.com and Kindle
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