The late CBS News anchorman Walter Cronkite used to end his nightly news broadcast with that line, “And that’s the way it is.” And, of course, it was…um, the way it is…or was….according to Walter.
He gave you the news, nothing but the “NEWS” and that was it. No sensationalism, no snarky comments, and no leaning to one side or the other. Unless he had a drink or two before his broadcast.
But today’s news, and I use that term sparingly, is much different. In fact, it’s more “entertainment” than news. This due to the fierce competition among news outlets these days.
When Cronkite was reporting the nightly news there were only three major networks. Now I can’t even keep track of just how many there are. Not to mention everyone who has access to the Internet and thinks their opinions count. Me included.
But, that said, I have enough sense to know my opinions count for nothing. Which is why I write humor and not serious stuff. I leave all that serious news reporting to the experts who give us all the serious stuff we need to know.
Like these earth shattering stories that appeared on the Internet, in newspapers, and on some major TV networks.
“CIA outwits impersonators by embracing Twitter, Facebook”
Yep, earth shattering news surely Walter Cronkite would have started out his nightly broadcast with. Possibly highlighting the CIA’s very first tweet on Twitter which was this:
We can neither confirm nor deny that this is our first tweet.
Always a barrel of laughs those CIA guys.
Can ya see Walter reporting on THIS breaking news story by the AP:
“Ferret fanciers hoping NYC lifts 15-year-old ban”
When I first saw this headline I thought New York City wanted to ban 15-year-old ferrets from walking around New York City streets. Until I had my first cup of coffee and realized that it was about ferret owners who obviously can’t own ferrets in New York City.
So, legally you can’t own a ferret but you CAN be a ferret, as in ferreting in search of things. Kinda a thin line there. Unless you’re an actual ferret.
Then there’s this type of ferreting that REALLY should be banned…..
Now Walter, if he were still with us today, may, or may not have reported on this breaking news story from “Space.com” (not a site about how to organize your clothes closet)
“Big ‘Beast’ Asteroid Flies by Earth Sunday: What Would Happen if It Hit Us?”
Of course a bit of logic may be appropriate here before everyone on the face of the Earth goes into a state of panic. So maybe Walter might not have chosen to report on this. Fox News and Matt Drudge maybe, but not Walter.
Why. Well, consider this. That “Big Beast” asteroid will pass some 777,000 miles past Earth, which is the distance from here to the moon. So like, um, should we all be in a state of panic?
I mean if the story read: “Big Beast Asteroid Flies By Earth Sunday, Possibly Just Missing A Kentucky Fried Chicken Franchise In El Paso, Texas.” THEN I just might be a bit concerned. And only if I lived in El Paso and was going to buy some KFC that night.
Otherwise, who gives a rats ass about 777,000 miles from the Earth.
Here’s another one for ya as reported by the “Huffington Post.”
“Catherine Zeta-Jones And Morgan Freeman Share Awkward Kiss”
And this is news why? Becasue perhaps Zeta’s husband Michael Douglas was watching nearby or perhaps, um, just because. Who the f**k knows.
Personally I see no news worthiness in this story. Zilch.
Now if Morgan Freeman was at a party and someone walked in with a Labrador retriever and Freeman gave it a big kiss on the lips, THEN that would be a big story. But kissing Catherine Zeta Jones? WTF is with that?
Once again from the “Huffington Post.”
“Will the Democrats Ever Wake Up?”
I’m assuming from this headline that most Democrats do not have alarm clocks. Otherwise why would they have problems waking up. This might require investigative reporting by multi news sources and the “American Alarm Clock Association” who may think that Democrats are discriminating against them. My guess anyhow. Surely Cronkite would have been on top of THIS story.
Unless he was a Democrat and overslept. Ya never know.
And from a French news service comes the bare facts of this story which we may have missed out on because showing a half-naked woman on TV in the U. S. would surely mean the end of civilization as we know it:
“Topless feminist stabs wax Putin in France”
If you’re wondering why all those guys are just standing around looking nonchalant it’s because they’re wax figures too. Otherwise they’d be ogling the topless woman. As would I. Who gives a rats ass if she’s stabbing a wax dummy of Vlad. Except maybe Vlad of course.
By the way, is it me or does she resemble Deborah Harry. (Blondie)
And finally on my list of stories that I’m sure Walter Cronkite would have reported on, is this one……..
“A Pea in the Pod Pulls Wake Me Up When I’m Skinny Maternity Shirt”
Yes…..how offensive. Soooo offensive that the store, “A Pea In A Pod” had to pull that shirt. Obviously a major news story. Well, at least to politically correct people who otherwise do not have a life other than worrying about t-shirts that may corrupt out minds and send us all directly to hell if we were to wear them.
Damn….I’d wear that freakin’ shirt just so that someone would wake me when “I’M” skinny after being on this stupid ass diet of mine since December. And I’m not even pregnant.
Um….then again, if I were pregnant, being a male, THAT sure as hell would make it to the CBS Evening News with Walter Cronkite. Not to mention the gazillions of bucks I’d make for being the first bona-fide male to get pregnant…….
Then going to “A Pea In a Pod” store and buying that t-shirt.
Ok Walt…..your cue to end this stupid blog………..
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