Yep, I may be in serious trouble with the U. S. Secret Service. The charge…..sarcasm. Yep…..sarcasm may have those creepy looking guys with dark glasses and heavy overcoats knocking on my door demanding to know why I’m so sarcastic. Maybe even worse…….making me apologize for being sarcastic.
ME? Sarcastic? Ok…ok….so I’ve reposted some occasional cartoons about those spooks here and there.
Um, is calling them “spooks” being sarcastic? Damn, screwed again.
BUT…it wasn’t me who drew those cartoons. Do NOT shoot the messenger. (the messenger in this case would be me)
I merely reposted it. So take THAT you damn spy type people.
Now I may not be the only one who might come under the watchful eye of the Secret Service.
That’s correct my little social media friends. (trolls included)
According to the “Washington Post” and reporter Katie Zezima, (which most likely is not her real name lest the SS go after her as well) she reports that the Secret Service is looking to buy software that can detect sarcasm on social media.
I have no idea if posting sarcastic cartoons is included in that.
Katie reports that “in a work order posted online Monday, the agency said that it wants analytics software that can, among other things, synthesize large sets of social media data and visually present that data.” (apparently first reported by “nextgov.com”)
Soooo what is it the SS is actually looking for?
If any of us idiots post something sarcastic about them, say like, “Oh yeah, all you Secret Service guys mother’s wear combat boots.” Does that mean they’ll know we did that on social media, come knocking on our doors and haul our butts off to wherever. Most likely Area 51 in Nevada.
Apparently they want to be able to easily sift through the “snark” on Twitter and other social media services. The article states, “ability to detect sarcasm and false positives.”
Kinda like if you’re in a bar and hitting on a woman and you suddenly detect that she’s wearing a couple of “false positives.” My guess anyhow.
Now before you get all up in arms and legs about the SS looking into all those porn sites you’ve been to and the sarcastic remarks you made after discovering that you’d be taxed by the government if you used your Visa card to get some really great porno, just relax. Nothing to worry about there.
Ed Donovan, a spokesman for the Secret Service, said the request for the ability to detect sarcasm on social media sites would simply allow the SS to monitor sites like Twitter, Facebook, etc. just to see what’s trending on those sites.
And…um….sarcastic remarks too.
For example, Donovan said, when people were holding purple tickets to the 2009 inauguration and were trapped inside a tunnel under the Capitol, unable to get through security gates, the Secret Service could have, perhaps, done something about it with the right information.
WTF that means I have no freakin’ clue.
Maybe Donovan means that if they had access to social media sites they could have been able to monitor those people under the Capitol tweeting stuff like, “WTF is wrong with those freakin’ a**holes that they can’t even run things right….damn motherf**kers. Bet it’s all the Secret Service’s fault, them damn jerk offs.”
Which in turn would have alerted the SS and, they, of course could have come to the rescue of those ticket holders. So in THAT instance, sarcasm would have helped.
Further examples of possible sarcastic remarks the Secret Service may be interested in may include these examples:
Soooo, if you’re ever in a situation where you need help from the Secret Service in the future, if they get that new sarcasm search app, ya might wanna just swear your butt off and be a lot more sarcastic when talking about the SS. They’d sure as hell THEN pay attention to you.
If it’s any comfort, Donovan added, “Our objective is to automate our social media monitoring process. The ability to detect sarcasm and falsies…um…..sorry, that’s “false” positives is just one of the 16 or 18 things we are looking at. We are looking for the ability to quantity or social media outreach. We aren’t looking solely to detect sarcasm.”
Makes me feel more comfortable now? How about the rest of you?
Or, f**king not! (sarcasm)
I suspect all that “clarification” gobbledygook Donovan said was simply to put our minds at ease as to what the f**k the SS REALLY wants to use that sarcasm alert system for.
Which is fine with me. There are waaaay too many Internet trolls as it is. Lots of really disgusting low down dregs of the earth sarcastic trolls. .
Go get em SS!!!!
Um…….but kinda cut me some slack will ya. I’m just an innocent blogger who on occasion may use a sarcastic phrase or line here and then when talking about the government and perhaps you really sweet nice guys at the Secret Service.
HEY! Gimmie a break here will ya. It’s all in the name of what I do. Which is writing humor for cripes sake.
Um…..well, yes I did…..but…um…..it was only cause I thought it was really funny. You, know, like you guys are the Secret Service, and you’re supposed to be keeping things secret and ya can’t even be with a hooker without getting caught.
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha…………………
Damn…..was I being sarcastic there?
Think I’m screwed.
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