I for one think that travelling to New York City is like going to the dentist. It may be a necessity, but, you tend to avoid it for as long as you can.
So it was with extreme interest I read New York Post columnist Amy Froelich’s Yahoo piece entitled, “How To Piss Off A New Yorker In 12 Easy Steps.”
Wearing a Boston Red Sox jersey or hat was not one of them. Although I have thought about doing that just to piss off a New Yorker, but, I DO NOT have a death wish.
So, I took a look at Amy’s column and here’s a breakdown of how she says you can piss off a New Yorker. Just in case “YOU” have a death wish.
1. “Walking down the street hand in hand.” Amy cites that fact that because New York City sidewalks are so crowded this is a no no. Her quote, “like herding cats.”
This is true. You cannot walk down a New York City street while holding hands otherwise you herd a bunch of rats. Oh, I’m sorry, that’s only in the lower East side of New York City. Cat herding is more uptown.
2. “Stop in inappropriate places.” Why! Because “stopping in front of a subway turnstile, or at the top of an escalator, or a revolving door, or right in the middle of a busy sidewalk is like braking in the fast lane on the freeway.”
Sooooo, NEVER stop anywhere in N.Y. City. Just keep walkin’ till ya get to Hoboken, New Jersey, THEN stop.
3. “Avoiding sidewalk grates while wearing sneakers.” According to Amy the only people who should avoid sidewalk grates are people wearing heels. (namely women, unless you’re a guy who just likes wearing women’s heels) If you avoid those grates it’s, (Amy suggests) because you’re a freakin’ wuss who thinks that you may fall into that grate and never be heard from again.
Cripes….I do that now and I don’t even visit New York City. Not that I don’t trust my public works department to make sure those grates are secure, but, it’s that I don’t trust my public works department to make sure those grates are secure.
4. ” Renting a citi bike and pulling an Alec Baldwin by riding the wrong way down a one-way street.” REALLY!…..I mean REALLY! THIS is how to piss off a New Yorker! OMFG. Yes, I know Baldwin was cited for doing that, but WTF. THIS pisses off New Yorker’s? Holy crap!
Now look, I was taught as a young child by my mother that when walking on a road always walk towards facing traffic. Which is what I’m assuming Baldwin had in mind when he rode his bike the wrong way on a one-way street. WHY? Because most New Yorker’s don’t know how the f**k to drive and if they’re comin’ at ya at least you can see them coming. Rather than getting squished like a windshield wiper bug from behind. So always listen to advice from your mother.
5. “Assume we can’t hear you whispering on the subway.” Oh, ya mean like, “Hey Martha, is that guy over there wearing a dress and sporting a beard kinda weird or what?” (happens on the subway….trust me on this one)
Amy says that if you do this, this brands you as a tourist.
Cripes Amy, cut us out of towners some slack on that one. I whisper to my other half now in a damn Wal-Mart. Have ya ever seen how some of THOSE people dress.
6. “Drive your car into the city and get really angry about the traffic.” Amy’s quote: “Yeah, I’m looking at you, Long Island, New Jersey, Pennsylvania, and Connecticut.” (I resemble that last one) “New Yorker’s really appreciate anyone adding to the noise pollution levels.”
OH YEAH! What about the noise pollution that comes outta Donald Trump’s mouth Amy! So there!
HEY! You talkin’ ta me? Oops…….sorry…..couldn’t help myself.
8. “Act like we’re all going to mug you.” Sorry Amy. This conception comes from the rest of the people who do not live in New York from watching to many “CSI NY” and “Law and Order” crime shows. Just like we’re all under the misconception that there are an awful lot of alligators in Florida……when we all know that’s not true.
9. “Obsessively picking your nose and then dropping your boogers on the subway floor.” Um, personally I have no problem with that. I’d rather have boogers dropped on a subway floor than on my seat, hold railing or somewhere else. Besides, aren’t boogers biodegradable? Or, at least less dangerous than say, a banana peel.
10. “Ask for directions, without knowing where you want to go.” Amy says that “New Yorker’s are multitalented but not psychic.” You can’t just ask directions and not be specific. She cites some guy named Mel who says, “I need to know where you tourists would like to end up before I tell you which train to take and what stop to get off at.”
Makes sense to me.
“Hey Mel pal, I need to know what bank has the most cash in it and how do I get there fast. And then perhaps, after a few minutes, how can I get outta town reallllly fast without encountering any traffic jams….or police”
11. “Brandishing your umbrella like you hate eyeballs.” Apparently visitors like to hold their umbrellas high while walking in New York. Refer back to number 8 as to the possible reason for that. Just sayin.’
12. “Stand too close to them.” New Yorker’s do not like people standing too close to them. They like their space. (or many of them can’t afford deodorant)
So that’s it folks. Amy’s list of how to piss off New Yorker’s.
Which leads me to believe that New Yorker’s are always pissed off. Considering the amount of tourists that visit the Big Apple on any given day.
Now considering that Amy is a novelist/columnist for the New York Post and a contributor to Yahoo Travel, and is originally from Cleveland, I think she wrote this article after having a particular bad day commuting to work on the subway, (avoiding boogers and strange-looking men dressed in women’s clothes) then had to avoid Alec Baldwin on a one way street, and just missed getting her eyeballs gouged out by someone carrying an umbrella who was avoiding a grate on a sidewalk while avoiding some tourists walking hand in hand who were stopping in inappropriate places and then some guy assumed she was talking to him as she was grumbling and he replied, “Hey, you talkin’ to ME?
Then some idiot from Connecticut asked for directions on how to get the hell outta that crazy city and that pushed Amy over the edge and she then wrote that article.
Um, sorry for asking for directions on how to get the hell outta New York Amy.
BUT…..I did make it out alive…..and I ain’t never comin’ back.
Those New Yorker’s are wayyyyyy too freakin’ pissed off for my liking.
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