Screw Driverless Cars. I Might Be Able To Teleport Myself.


Beam me up Scotty. Or, at least beam me to Wal-Mart or Stop & Shop, then back home, along with my shopping bags.

I mentioned in an earlier blog that I would not trust driverless cars to drive me ANYWHERE. BUT, that said, I wouldn’t mind being teleported around town to run a few errands. Which may or may not be coming down the ol pike…….according to scientists.

In a recent article by reporter David Fazekas he points out “that the average American spends about 50 minutes a day commuting to and from work. Which is more time away from loved ones and being productive.”

Unless of course you enjoy spending 50 minutes commuting and being away from loved ones. Quiet time and all that stuff. Or, if you happen to find yourself in a situation where teleportation seems really enticing at that moment………….

Oh Gawd......where's that freakin' teleport button

Oh Gawd……where’s that freakin’ teleportation button

So what options do we lemmings have?

Well, there’s the theory of teleportation. As evidenced in many of those “Star Trek” episodes where Scotty beams up Captain Kirk and a few other crew members. And occasionally a stray being, like those pesky “Tribbles.” Scotty wasn’t very good at that beaming up stuff sometimes.


For a slight fee of course….few thou here and there…but who’s counting

So, scientists have been studying this theory. However, the problem they’re having is that you have to scan the original first, and then create a duplicate of it somewhere else. Like Cleveland perhaps. Or, your choice of places I’d guess.

But, and there’s always a “but.’

The problem with this human copy machine is that in the process of duplicating the original, unlike a xerox machine or scanner, it actually destroys it.

Not good if you’re a human.

“You think about what the process entails, at lest in sci-fi form, it means pulling apart every atom in your body and putting it together somewhere else,” says Ben Buchler, Associate Professor of Physics at the “Australian National University.”

“I can’t think of any physiological way of making that pain-free, even if it were physically possible.

Um….how about some really good drugs doc, or smoking some really good weed? At least if it didn’t work and your body gets zapped into a gazillion atoms while you’re being teleported, you really won’t feel any pain, or, give a f**k anyhow.


Jusssst a few minor glitches

Now you may think that this is all science fiction stuff. BUT…it’s not at all impossible. The teleportation stuff, not the smokin’ some really good weed and being high on drugs part.

Now if you have any idea what a “photon” is (look it up ya dummies) scientists actually fired up one of them in a laser and moved it from one location to another. They actually moved a photon a distance of 89 miles. AND, not even using the Interstate or a car.

Um……hold on a sec here. I think I’m on a roll……….

Roll # 1

Roll # 1

Now, besides taking the chance that your body would be dissembled and reassembled, not necessary in the same condition that you were originally in, there is one other down side. That being that it would be so expensive that only 1 percent may be able to enjoy that luxury.

Oh sure, it’s always that 1 percent that get all the good stuff.

Roll # 2

Roll # 2

But WTF, let THEM try it first and see if it works. If not, hey, no great loss. I say we let Donald Trump or Joe the Plumber give it a shot first. No great  loss if they get teleported and their minds, or body parts do not come out exactly as they were when they left. Whaddya think?

Roll # 3

Roll # 3

But it also gets a bit more complicated. According to Steven Gould, author of the best-selling book, “Jumper,” (not about grasshoppers) “In order for us to teleport, we need a serious amount of data storage to copy our every ounce of being.”

Which means that scientists need to know every inch of your body, (perverts) so that they could be able to teleport you and have you come out at another place completely intact. Otherwise, if they miss something, like perhaps you have an allergy to cats, and they teleport you to someplace in New York, say like the “Bronx Zoo” and you just happen to be teleported where a lion or tiger is, you’d be basically screwed. Or eaten alive. My guess anyhow.

Hey….who knows how exact they can be when they teleport you. You could wind up in the high-speed lane on the Long Island Expressway during rush hour and get squished by a semi. Ya never know.

Roll # 4....ok....sorry. couldn't help myself. Last one, I promise

Roll # 4….ok….sorry. couldn’t help myself. Last one, I promise

Furthermore, and forsooth, they go on to say that “rather than being centers of civilization, our cities may turn into towering collections of hard drives.” (they’re talking about “hard drives” as in computers and not those associated with overdoing it on erectile dysfunction medication) I lied......

OK….so I lied……

Plus, scientists go on to say, “our new way to transport could complicate our lives, including relationships.”

Soooooo, how could it possibly complicate our lives??

Well, here’s Natasha Burton, author of “101 Quizzes for Couples” explanation:

“Cheating, this could be difficult. One one hand, you’d never come home to see your significant other in bed with someone else. But at the same time, it would make it easier for players to date multiple women in different countries, instead of different zip codes.”

Which would also screw up getting your mail.

The only advantage to teleporting if your husband suddenly comes home

One of the advantages to teleporting if your husband suddenly comes home

And, I guess, if I’m reading this right, means that you could score in a bar in Los Angeles, transport yourself to London, have a spot of tea and score there, then transport yourself to say, Alaska, and get it on once again in the same day without your spouse even knowing.

But, possibly suffer the effects of teleportation lag. Kinda like jet lag. Only worse as displayed in one of the worst cases of jet lag I’ve ever seen. (example below)photons9

Providing of course your molecules or atoms or whatever, do not get entirely screwed up as you’re being teleported. Otherwise, if you come out missing a few essential body parts you might have to opt for another species to have sex with. Interesting concept isn’t it.

BUT WAIT! There’s more.

Natasha says that besides all that, there’s one more slight problem. Besides screwing up your atoms and molecules and Woody.

That would be the possibility of having unexpected guests from anywhere in the world simply drop by. Don’t ya hate when that happens.

Which means, again according to Natasha, “Someone would have to develop a teleportation blocker to stop people you don’t want from popping in.”

Yeah right Natasha. Like that’s gonna happen.

I have blockers on my phone and can’t even stop telemarketers from calling me. So what are the chances that I’ll be able to block someone from popping in via teleportation. Zilch!

Wonder if they'll develop a way to teleport telemarketers to hell?

Wonder if they’ll develop a way to teleport telemarketers to hell?

In conclusion, like every other new technology advance, I thinkith I’ll wait a few eons before I try out any new teleportation device which may or may not be available at Best Buy or Staples.

Why risk the chance of getting one right away, taking it home, activate it, and somehow it screws up and teleports some ATF agent to my house as I’m sitting in my living room smokin’ weed.

Or worse yet, one of my ex wives who owns a gun and is still pissed off.

And then, there’s THIS teleportation photon problem…………….photon13

Just sayin.’

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Copyright 2014 MisfitWisdom RLV




About misfit120

Former disc jockey, (Dick Jones) 30 years, and author of, "I Could Have Been Famous But Sex, Love & Life Got In The Way" available at books, & Kindle, "The Covert Chamber" a mystery novel available at and Barnes & Noble, and "Forgotten" the story of two WWI pilots who were forgotten for over 70 years available on and Kindle
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