First of all let me be perfectly clear here. I did not come up with this idea, nor did I write this story about May being “Masturbation Month.” I’m simply, as a public service, passing this information on to all of you jussssst in case you’re one of those patriotic people who like to celebrate patriotic things. Like, perhaps, “Masturbation Month.”
HEY! Ya just can’t get enough of patriotism these days, so go ahead, celebrate “Masturbation Month.” We’ll all give you a big hand. Um, or you can do that yourself.
Now I came, (play on a word there) across this story on the “Care2.com” site which featured an article entitled, “May Is Masturbation Month….Are You Missing Out?”
This article was written by an anonymous blogger for “Care2.” Geez….anonymous…..go figure.
“Marvin! What the hell ya doin up there in your room for so long?”
“Oh nothin’ Ma, I’m (pant) writing an article for, (gasp) Care2 about um, er, the month of May and (Ohhhhh) I jussssst need a bit more time to, (yeahhhhh) concentrate on what I’m stroking, um, I mean typing….”
So, not wanting to miss out, and of course not wanting the rest of you to miss out as well, I thought it was my duty to enlighten you as to why we have this honorable day.
According to “anonymous,” masturbation has always been shrouded in guilt, shame, embarrassment, and emotional pain. And that was only for Bill Clinton until he met Monica Lewinsky.
So hence, “Masturbation Month” was started in response to the fact that in the United States masturbation is still taboo, and so frowned upon that in 1994 the U. S. Surgeon General was fired after simply agreeing that perhaps it’s a subject that ought to be incorporated into sex education.
HEY! At least a book. Something like, “Masturbation For Dummies.” My thinking.
Now there’s a lot to be said for masturbation, and not only in the month of May. According to this article, advocates claim that it offers a myriad of health benefits, (not covered under Obamacare) which include the reduction of stress and anxiety, improved sleep, the relief of menstrual cramps, headaches and muscle tension.
I would thinkith that these same benefits apply to regular sex, but, in a pinch, or hand, if ya get the same health benefits, go for it. Besides, how many times does your hand tell you it has a headache?
More great news too. Masturbation may also improve your immune system and contribute to overall physical health, as well as strengthening muscle tone in the pelvic and anal areas, building resistance to yeast infections, preventing the development of prostate cancer, and even helping to ease the symptoms of “Restless Leg Syndrome.”
Which is completely understandable, because if you have a restless Johnson, it’s only common sense that after masturbating and relaxing it, that it might work for Restless Leg Syndrome as well. DUH!
I hope you’re all “gasping” this story so far. Well, at lest the guys.
Although I’m pretty sure this can apply to women as well. But, not having any experience in THAT area, you women can figure it out for yourselves.
Now, we’ve all heard of that wonderful pain reliever, “oxytocin,” which is a natural pain reliever. No need to track down your drug source to get any. Nope.
Again, according to this article, masturbation produces oxytocin along with releasing endorphins, (no connection to dolphins) and neurotransmitters that can improve your mood and relieve depression.
No need to go to a doctor and get whacked for a whopping $500 doctor’s visit when ya can just whack off and not worry about any bills at all.
Healthy (shame-free) masturbation can also help to enhance your relationships by creating a sense of well-being by helping you bond with your partner both physical and emotionally, increasing the ability to have organs…um….sorry, that’s “orgasms,” and thereby raising self-esteem in improving your body image.
DAMN! Where the hell was this article when I got caught in my bedroom at 13 releasing endorphins while ogling a photo of Marilyn Monroe. Ohhhhhh the guilt. Ohhhhh the embarrassment. Ohhhhh……um…..the pleasure.
I really didn’t feel that guilty now that I think about it. Actually, I think I felt more guilty about ripping off that Playboy Magazine than I did getting caught masturbating.
Now I said earlier that this article was written by an “anonymous blogger.” But, at the end of the piece there is a notation that, “Betty Dodson,” who has been dubbed the “Godmother of Masturbation,” (what, no Godfadder?) because she wrote “THE” book on it in the early (7 am) seventies, is noted. So I have no idea if SHE wrote the article or “Care2” just noted that the 85 year-old sex educator is an expert on masturbation. AND……teaches classes called, “bodyse” on it.
Is it me or do you never see these types of classes offered in any of those evening class pamphlets you find in the library?
In conclusion, I have no idea just exactly as to if there are any “masturbation” events being held in your local towns or cities. Might wanna check your local newspaper listings under, “self-help” just to be sure.
Or perhaps call your town clerk’s office. (let me know how that works out for ya)
I’d give you a “hand” in searching various publications for these events, but, as it is, I have my own “hand” or “hands” full celebrating May as Masturbation Month.
Just doing my patriotic duty folks.
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