I own three freeloading cats. Or, they own me. It’s a toss-up on that. But, I think I’d rather own three cats than three dogs, or any dog for that matter.
Now don’t get me wrong here doggie lovers. I’ve owned dogs in the past and they’re great companions. You know, “Man’s best friend” and all that stuff. That is next to a really hot looking girlfriend or wife that’s horny all the time. In that case, ” man’s best friend” takes over an entirely new meaning. And I’m not talking about dogs here.
But, we ARE talking about dogs from this point on. So, I’ll attempt to stay on track. Unless, you’re actually married to someone who’s a dog.
HEY…happens ya know. Go out drinking one night, fall into a drunken stupor, and wake up in the morning and discovering you’re married to Lizzie Borden. Which is the main reason I never got into drinking.
And…um….oh yeah, dogs. Sorry, I wander off on things very easily. I have a very short attention span.
The site “Vetstreet.com” and reporter Shayna Meliker put together a list of seven people who your dog hates. My guess for the first one was anyone, usually a woman, who dresses in leopard clothing because dogs hate cats and leopards are cats. Makes sense to me.
But, that wasn’t one of them.
So here’s Shayna’s and “Vetstreet’s” list of the seven people your dog would just love to sink its teeth into. The first one is a no brainer. Which is….
The Mailman. “Vetstreet” says that your dog is thinking to himself, “I don’t trust this guy. He comes to the house every day but he never brings me any presents.”
That may be true, but you’d think the stupid dog would know that by now and say f**k it and give up. But, noooooo. Bark….bark…bark.
Just let Rover out when the mailman comes the next time and let him just maul the hell outta the mailman and get it over with once and for all. Once he discovers that mailmen do not taste very good, he’ll stop all that stupid barking. Problem solved.
Next is the plumber. Dogs get pissed off, according to “Vetstreet” because they think that guy with the huge butt crack is screwing around with their water bowl. AND, if “I” were a dog, there’s no way I’d want anyone with a huge butt crack screwing around with my water bowl either.
Then there’s the garbage collector. Again, “Vetstreet” says it’s the noise the garbage truck makes rumbling down your street.
I tend to disagree. I think it’s the fact that dogs just wanna get out into the yard and rummage through other people’s garbage and look forward to that every day. Then along comes that silly ass garbage truck and takes it all away. Bastards.
The delivery person is next on their list. I guess because delivery persons always ring your doorbell at the exact moment Fido is settling down for his afternoon nap. Pisses me off too.
Another person for a dog to absolutely despise is the meter reader. Dogs think that this guy is sneaking around the house very quietly and that no one can hear them. But dogs, with their keen sense of hearing, can hear them and think they should alert the entire household by barking and pointing towards various parts of the house as the meter reader is walking around outside.
Of course this is a good thing if a burglar is walking around your house, like the meter reader does, but, dogs just ignore burglars as they do not encounter them on a daily or weekly basis so they have no f**king clue what the hell is going on. And, could care less.
The cleaning person your dog absolutely hates too. As would I if I were a dog. Actually, when ya think about it, I’m NOT a dog but I still despise the cleaning person as any self-respecting dog would. Even cats.
Because the cleaning person is my other half and you know what freaks out dogs, cats and men. YES! That dreaded no good son-of-a-bitchin’ 20,000 decibel vacuum cleaner. So dogs, I’m with ya on that one.
And finally, the last person on “Vetstreet’s list that dogs hate. Your boyfriend. Providing of course you have a boyfriend. Or your boyfriend is the mailman, plumber, delivery person, garbage collector, meter reader, or the cleaning person. Kind of a lose lose situation there.
Then again, if any of those guys are actually your boyfriend, maybe they can strike up a relationship with your dog. Makes sense to me.
Anyhow, the reason dogs hate your boyfriend is that you’re paying more attention to your boyfriend than to Snoopy. The jealous effect. Which is why dogs hump your boyfriend’s leg the second he comes into the house. Dogs figure that if they get the sex part over with immediately, you’ll pay more attention to them rather than your boyfriend.
WHY? Because dogs know that most men can only have sex one time before having to take a three to four-hour break to get their sex drive back up again. And by then, nights over and Lassie has you all to himself. Logic folks.
So, those are all the reasons “Vetstreet” listed as to why your dog hates those seven people. So, I ask you then. Is it worth going through all of this pain in the ass stuff owning a dog? If you said yes, hope you have a good homeowners insurance policy just in case Rin Tin Tin gets out one of these days and eyes lunch in the form of any one of those people.
Or you can look at it this way, from my perspective.
Think of a frigid cold winter day with the wind howling, snow blowing around, and icicles dripping off of your nose and Rex has to go to the bathroom real bad.
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