Look, I never really concerned myself about zombies. EVER! Not even after watching zombie movies late at night on TV or even in a movie theater. And, to top that, having been married and divorced twice, no flesh-eating zombie can compare to that!
In fact, I think I’d rather get eaten by a zombie than ever get married again. Less painful.
However that’s debatable, considering the Pentagon, in a newly released document, has laid out a plan against zombies according to CNN and their National Security Producer Jamie Crawford.
Which leads me to think that if the Pentagon has a plan to combat zombies, I damn well better pay attention.Unless this has more to do with a lot of people at the Pentagon being divorced and figured out that marriage, divorce and ex’s have a close relationship when it comes to zombies.
So I took a look at what CNN says the Pentagon is worried about and here’s what I discovered.
The pentagon has devised a plan should a zombie apocalypse occur due to a catastrophic attack on the homeland, or stores run out of bread, milk and SPAM.
Apparently this unclassified document titled, “CONOP 8888” (honest) officials from the U.S. Strategic Command are concerned that there may be a planet-wide attack by the walking dead if a major catastrophe occurs. Such as the unavailability of bread, milk and SPAM as I said earlier.
So how does the Pentagon explain their reasoning? Here’s their actual comment:
“Zombie life forms, (excluding ex’s) created via some form of occult experimentation in what otherwise might be referred to as “evil magic” (similar to the song “Evil Woman” by ELO) to vegetarian zombies that pose no threat to humans due to their exclusive consumption of vegetation, to zombie life forms created after an organism, (not orgasm) infected with high doses of radiation,” are among the invaders the document outlines.”
So, in other words, we may be confronted with vegetarian high dosed zombies who may want to eat your tomato plants as you’re innocently watering them in your backyard. Or, attack the vegetable drawer in your fridge. Not a pretty sight.
So in essence the Pentagon is saying that because of a catastrophic event, vegetable zombies is what we have to worry about.
And they go on to point out that the only way to combat them is to use firepower. Not like in big guns or bombs, but actual firepower…..meaning “fire.” Yep, again, their quote, “The only way to ensure a zombie is dead, is to burn the zombie corpse.”
(NOTE) Those of you who are already freaked out about zombies from watching way too many zombie movies, DO NOT anticipate a zombie apocalypse as imminent and go into a state of panic and start setting fire to people who appear to resemble zombies that spend way too much time in the vegetable department of your local grocery store feeling up a cucumber.
It gets worse. The Pentagon has gone so far as to “develop a contingency plan for how to deal with hospitals and other medical facilities infiltrated by zombies, and the possible deployment of remote-controlled robots to man critical infrastructure points such as power stations if the zombie threat becomes too much.”
Even the President on down is in on this plan. Which is no surprise considering a lot of zombies exist in government as it is. (keep your Zippos handy)
Even though we all know that zombies really do not exist, (convincing myself) why did the government go through all this trouble to develop a plan jussssst in case they do exist?
Well, officials familiar with the planning of this say “zombies were chosen precisely because of the outlandish nature of the attack premise.”
“Hey Harry, ya goin’ to that class at the Pentagon on zombies and how to defend yourself in case they attack?”
“WHAT! Are you some kinda nut Ralph. Everyone knows the only reason we’re having this class is just to give those big wig generals an excuse to use some of their new fangled toys on poor unsuspecting soldiers rather than have them all sitting around peeling potatoes.”
“Oh yeah, I guess you’re right Harry. There’s no such thing as a zombie.”
“Saaaaay…um…….Ralph. Whaddya got in that bag there?”
“Oh, I just ran over to the commissary to pick up some vegetables for the wife for supper tonight.”
“Ya don’t say……..um……..”
“Harry! Why are ya lookin’ at me like that? And why are ya drooling and fangs comin’ outta your mouth and your eyes all of a sudden sunken in and…..and….aghhhhhhhhhhhhhh!”
But I wouldn’t worry folks. As I said a number of times during today’s blog, we all know that real zombies do not exist. So just relax.
Oh, one final quote from the article.
“So, practice for the when, where and how to plan for a more likely disaster scenario? Yes. But zombies of all stripes would be well advised to take note of this directive to Strategic Command personnel buried within the document.”
Which says, “maintain emergency plans to employ nuclear weapons within (the continental United States) to eradicate zombie hordes.”
See, I told ya there was nothing to worry about.
BUT……just in case zombies come in other forms……………………
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