Having been the “Class Clown” while I was in high school, I often wonder if that tradition still continues. You know, the one kid whose sole duty is to make the entire class laugh, then get himself, or herself, carted off to detention. But, worth the end result.
Back in my day, when prehistoric animals roamed the earth freely, the only reason for going to school each day was to see how many laughs you could get by playing a tune using your armpit as an instrument, making food come outta your nose in the cafeteria and grossing out the girls, by whatever means you could employ to make you the class clown.
Now back then class clowns did not have a lot of things to work with. Other than your armpit and food. Oh yeah, an occasional spit ball or stink bomb. Which you actually had to make yourself.
First of all, to set up today’s “class clown” blog and things that you can actually buy today to enhance your position as a number one class clown, here’s the late George Carlin with some tips on how to achieve class clown stardom:
All that said, which I just did, along with George, my friend Doc, who is as demented as I am, and I’m guessing was himself a class clown, we came across some interesting things you can buy to make you the ultimate class clown and beyond. Things the two of us only wish we had back then.
So, as a public service to all present and future class clowns, here are a few of those items Doc found on a site entitled, “S**T You Can Afford.”
For the record, all of these items actually exist and are available on Amazon.com. Go figure.
First on the list are “Spy Camcorder Sunglasses.” This takes the place of sitting in a classroom on a hot summer day and trying to ogle a partial boob glimpse of girls wearing short sleeveless tops. Now you can look completely innocent, ogle as many girls as ya want to, THEN take your videos home and ogle in private.
Grossing out the girls was a class clown’s greatest accomplishment. This item, a “Toilet Bowl Coffee Mug” would certainly do the trick. AND…..years later, after you’ve completely flunked out of high school and wind up working at a fast food establishment, hey, continue to gross out customers too. Works great at a Dunkin Donuts.
One of my favorites that I wish was available when I was the class clown is this one, “Liquid Ass Spray.” Comes with a mixture of disgusting poo smells which would work wonders in the cafeteria as well. Just think of all the deserts you could scarf up after the girls bolt the room.
Just as effective is the “Remote Controlled Tarantula.” Not only good for class clowns in school, but worth keeping for those moments when you’re standing in a long line and wanna freak out everybody into running like hell so that you can get in line first.
This one, “The Horse’s Head” is only good for a one time only deal. One you pull it off in class, that’s it. BUT, if you have any Mafia friends it could be used a second time. Remember that horse’s head scene in the Godfadder. Then again, if you DO use it on one of your Mafia friends, chances are YOU may get the real thing, or worse in return. Shaky ground there.
Now this one really does not apply to class clowns, but I threw it in for all of us guys who are married, in a relationship or just plain closet perverts. Like when you’re walking somewhere and some hot babe passes you and you want to turn around and look at her, BUT, your other half is watching you verrrry closely. Yep, this would solve that problem. “Rear View Sunglasses.”
Ah yes, one of the staples of being a class clown. The ol “Stink Bomb.” No class clown’s arsenal would be complete without a supply of stink bombs. Especially during algebra class.
As well as the number one item for all class clowns, the “Spit Ball.” Now back when I was a teenager, spit balls actually had to be manufactured by using spit and paper. Very time-consuming. Now with new technology you not only have pre packaged spit balls, but you can use them in the dark, they glow, and they explode upon impact. Almost makes me wish I was back in school.
For the occasional class clown, (not really wanting to be a professional, but still wanting a piece of the action) here’s the “Yodeling Pickle.”
And finally on our list, the “Bullshit Button,” which all of you can use to express your feelings about today’s blog.
(sigh) When I think of all these things now available for class clowns that were not available back when I was in school, it makes me wonder just how infamous I could have been had I had the tools necessary to carry out my mission as the ultimate in class clowns.
Now, some 50 odd years later there’s no chance of me EVER using any of this neat stuff to become the ultimate class clown.
Unless they change the rules and you can be a class clown without actually being in a class.
In that case, I could achieve new stardom, as say, in a shopping mall, grocery store, casino, hell…..the options are endless.
Sure would love to use one of those “Stink Bombs” at my next town meeting.
Then again, they stink at what they do they’d never notice anything smelled.
OK……I might opt for that “Liquid Ass Spray” then.
Um….no, they wouldn’t notice that either. The room is already filled with assholes.
OK……(sigh) guess I have to use that last one. The “Bullshit” button.
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