It’s not even close to November 2016 and already the s**t is hitting the ol fan. Republicans are having “Hillary” paranoia while Democrats are having just plain old paranoia. ME…I’m just freakin’ paranoid.
But, it seems that being paranoid might actually be an asset when it comes to running for any political office. Considering just about everyone who holds a political office eventually turn out to be nut jobs. Which obviously qualifies me to run for office.
So, that said, which I just did, it’s come to my attention that I could actually seek a political office. Say, um, a member of the local Town Council, or Governor, State Senator, and maybe, the Presidency! YES! After all, I have many of the same qualifications that most politicians do. I actually think I’d be a shoe in. (where did that phrase “shoe in” come from anyhow?) Never mind.
OH WAIT! Now I remember. Shoes thrown at George Bush and most recently Hillary Clinton. Not that they were the first to have shoes thrown at them, but I suspect that’s where the term “shoe in” came from. (refer to news item, Rome, August 26, BC. “Mark Antny Throws Sandal At Caesar: Secret Service Centurions Arrest Perp.”)
Look folks, I’m breathing. Which is qualification number one. I sometimes say a lot of stupid insensitive things. Qualification number two. I’m totally inexperienced. (Hey,….it worked for Scott Brown and Sarah Palin.) Qualification number three. I once posed nude for a woman’s magazine. Qualification number four. Yeah, I know, those nude pics of me haven’t surfaced yet but sure as hell if I ran for office they’d be on the front page of the National Enquirer. YES! Bieber type publicity!!!!
Geez, I haven’t plugged the National Enquirer in months.
I might add, as a footnote here, that those nude photographs of me were taken when I was a very young radio disc jockey striving for publicity. At that time I had no intention of running for political office so I didn’t give a rat’s ass. However, thinking back to former Massachusetts Senator Scott Brown’s nude photographs in Cosmo, and former U. S. Representative from New York Antny Wiener’s weiner pics, I think if the photos do surface, I’m pretty safe here. Then again, I’m not from Massachusetts or New York.
But let’s look at my overall chances and why I think I could actually be a great candidate.
In 2009 U.S. Representative William Jefferson from Louisiana was charged with 11 to 16 counts of bribery after Federal agents discovered $90,000 in his home freezer. I’ve been known to hide a few bucks under some pie crust dough in my freezer for a rainy day lest my other half discover it and spend it on something foolish, say like food or something.
Then there’s Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich, (Gesundheit) who in 2008 was charged of conspiring to get financial benefits through his authority to appoint a U.S. Senator to fill Obama’s Senate seat. I once used my authority as a limo driver to cut into a funeral procession so as not to lose any time buying a lottery ticket before the number was drawn.
Then there was John Edwards who had an affair with another woman and fathered a child with her. I can’t say that I ever fathered a child with another woman while I was married, but I did have a Beagle once that broke into my neighbor’s basement and had sex with his Beagle and fathered 6 more Beagles. Where the hell was the National Enquirer then?
One of my favorite examples of how I know I could run for office is Senator Larry Craig of Idaho. He’s the one who pleaded guilty of misdemeanor charges stemming from complaints of lewd conduct in a men’s room. Remember that one? The ol tapping the shoe in the stall routine and pass the toilet paper honey.
I think I ran out of toilet paper once at a local casino and had to bang on the stall wall for assistance. I don’t recall making lewd advances at the attendant when he gave me a new roll, but he did look at me kind of strangely when I was covering my private parts.
Of course we all know the Bill Clinton story. Yes, good ol Monica Lewinsky who just happened to save her dress that had an implicating stain on it. (checking my closet to see if I managed to save any stains from years past…………….nope………….S**T! ) But I do have a stain on my old limo outfit when I was driving down the interstate and some $#@#!! cut me off and everything spilled all over my clothes. I suppose I could claim that I was having sex at the time which might qualify me for a Congressional seat. Just a thought.
Senator Mark Foley of Florida resigned his Congressional seat after it was discovered that he sent sexually charged electronic messages to boys working as Congressional pages. Somewhere out there are sexually charged messages I sent to little Gloria Fernswick in high school, which she may or may not have saved, and if I ran for office, they too might surface. (gotta locate Gloria and pay her the hell off)
And Bill Clinton really made it easy for us guys to deny “sex” when he said, “I did not have sex with that woman.” We all know that “NOW” sex means actually inserting part A into part B, which of course is what Bill was referring to. Not inserting part A into part M. (think about that one)
Then there’s good old you don’t have Richard Nixon to kick around anymore. My idol when it comes to my chances for running for office regardless of whatever the hell I ever did in life.
Nixon actually solidifies my chance for running for President. Just like his connection to the Watergate break in, I have a connection to a break in as well. A number of times I have locked myself out of my car and have had to actually break in to gain access. I know what you’re thinking. It’s not the same thing. OK, OK, I get it, but as far as I’m concerned it’s a break in. (entering that fact into my political resume)
Finally, with my political resume complete here, all I need to do is pattern myself after another famous offender, whom I can most likely get the public to relate to, and, with the electorate longing for the good ol days, vote for me based on their love for that past candidate.
Let’s see……um………..George Washington……….nah. His only claim to fame was that great cherry tree caper. Lincoln! …………….nope,…..he was waaaay too honest. We all know there’s no such thing as an honest politician. AH HA! BUSH! Hmmmmm, no, too many lewd jokes that can be tied in to Playboy Magazine’s body parts.
I Got It! Oregon Senator Bob Packwood. Remember him? Yeah! He was accused of groping, kissing and propositioning women for sex. Geez, I’ve done that. Well, um, not propositioning other women for sex, but I have propositioned my other half. Even groped her and on many occasions, kissed her. I think I’m a shoe in. I definitely have all of the qualifications needed.
Now that I’m finished listing my qualifications, it’s time to head out on the campaign trail. Cripes, it’s only 30 months till election day. OMFG!!!! Where does the time go! I’d better start campaigning right NOW!
And start working on my campaign image.
“Honey! I’ll make the meatloaf for dinner if I can grope you, make sexually suggestive remarks, and possibly insert part A into part B later on. I’ll try not to stain any clothing. By the way, here’s five bucks to keep quiet.”
I can see it all now. “DICK FOR PRESIDENT”
Hmmmmmmmmm,…..maybe I’d be better off using Richard.
You know how excited Monica Lewinsky gets hearing the word lick or Dick in the same sentence.
AND….don’t want her knocking on MY closet door.
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