As my own dear grandmother once said to me, “Misfit, if ya don’t pay attention in school you’ll never learn to spell words correctly.” Along with, “always wear a clean pair of underwear just in case you’re in an accident”.
Which as we all know, are words of wisdom that only come from the mouths of mothers, and grandmothers. Although even though she was correct in that spelling advice, I have still yet to be in a situation where EMT’s have asked to see my underwear before taking care of me.
Um, there was that one time I had to go to the emergency room for a problem, but, as in most instances, they always ask you to strip down and give you half of what resembles a table-cloth to put on. And usually they leave the room while you’re undressing. So, if you did not heed your mother’s advice, you could always stash your underwear in your coat pocket if need be.
Lest they find out you never listened to your mother and actually had on underwear a day or two old.
But thinking back to my own childhood, I was raised my grandmother and two old maid aunts who basically did not know the entire rules of motherhood. One being that underwear rule.
I basically learned that from my friend Stinky Ferksdorf who I figured out never changed his underwear until it fell off of him. Stinky and I were not real close, literally, because, obviously, he smelled. So we kinda kept three or four arms lengths apart when hangin’ around with each other.
However, there is one thing that all mothers have. It’s called insight. Or, as I like to put it, “Hey…..don’t try and pull that stuff on me ya little twerp, I know what the hell you’re up to!”
This applies to just about anything you think you can get away with as a kid. Mothers just seem to know when you’re lying. When you’ve been up to no good. And when to come barging into your bedroom after noticing a bulge in your coat, which, they somehow knew was a copy of “Playboy Magazine” that you had just ripped off and knew exactly what you were going to do with it once you got to your room.
Reading the magazine was NOT a priority on your list.
Now my own mother pawned me off to my grandmother because she either was too busy to raise me herself, or, because I was such a homely kid and didn’t want to be seen with me. Not to mention the fact, but I will, that she was divorced and had her own life.
But, that said, that never really bothered me because I was too young and stupid to think that I was any different from any of the other kids. Even though my grandmother had to tie a bone around my neck so that the dog would play with me. I didn’t have a lot of friends.
Actually, when you’re dropped off at your grandmother’s house at 9 days old and grow up there, you kinda think of your grandmother as your mother. Henceforth and forsooth the main reason I always called her “ma.” A sweet and caring woman to have put up with all of my antics growing up.
So on this Mother’s Day I think back to my grandmother as my mother rather than my mother as my mother who would have been thought of as my mother had she not dropped me off at her mother’s…….my grandmother. Try and keep track here.
So what I learned growing up was basically what any other kid learned growing up because my grandmother gave me the best life I could have.
On the other hand, most of what I learned as a teenager I learned from my peers. Because, without a male figure in my household, who the hell was gonna teach me about the birds and those bees. My grandmother and two old maid aunts sure as hell wasn’t gonna go there.
So in a time and age when divorce was, for the most part, unheard of, and a child being raised by grandparents, as is the norm today, was also unheard of, I think I turned out pretty well.
I frankly am of the opinion that it’s great to have a normal biological family…..a mom and a dad. BUT…..I also think that if someone raises you from day one, you will always look towards that person, or persons, as your parents. Sometimes I think that biological stuff is a bunch of nonsense. Nice to have, but if you do not, whomever nurtures you and raises you will always be the closest to you.
So if any of you think that having a stepmom is not the same as having a real mom, think about it long and hard. Sometimes THEY have the toughest of jobs. And most of the time, as Rodney Dangerfied once said, “I, (they) get no respect.”
Cripes, even notorious gangster moll Ma Barker was a mother. Do ya think any cops thought about sending HER a mother’s day card?
And what about “Mother Jones” too.
Um….wait. Sorry, I think “Mother Jones” is either a magazine or web site. Sorry.
Anyhow, Happy Mother’s Day to all of you moms on your day. Biological moms, step moms, to-be moms, and moms who to this day may have to still do what my grandmother did so that I’d never be alone………
Tie that bone around my neck so that my dog would play with me.
(sniff) Thanks grandma.
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