The 140th Kentucky Derby. If You Like Horsing Around.

horse1http://youtu.be/JmunYEbmmc0

 

Yes, I personally like to do a lot of horsing around. Which is why, as a teenager in school I spent a lot of time in detention.

However, no one ever told me that you could actually make some big bucks horsing around. IF you place a bet on the right horse. Which, obviously I couldn’t do as a teenager. AND, by  the time I found out you could make big bucks horsing around by betting on the horsies in the Kentucky Derby, I didn’t have any bucks to bet because I flunked most of my subjects in school, never made enough money to horse around by betting on horses, and NOW….now, I don’t have a clue as to what is a good horse and what is a bad horse to bet on.

Don’t have any money to bet on them anyhow because, being so stupid in school, I never amounted to anything, cept as a flunky disc jockey, which, when ya think about it, (jockey) that’s the closest I got to “jockey’s” and horses. Ironic isn’t it.

mmmm

I always win at the lose window (hic)

And so does the horse I bet on……………

MMMMM

Um, set em up for my pal Misfit too…..(hic)

So, today is the 140th running of the Kentucky Derby. And my other half said to me, “Hey, let’s put a couple of bucks on a horse just for the hell of it.”

“So I says, “Like what horse dear?”

“And she says, “We’ll close our eyes and just pick one.”

Which, considering both our knowledge of horses can fit on a damn pinhead, sounds logical to me.

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Run your ass off you bastard!

So we picked up the list of horsies that are in the race, and, knowing absolutely nothing about odds, as well as ends, (tail section of a horse) we simply chose our horse by its name.

There are, as of today’s blog post, 21 nags running in the race scheduled to take place at 6:24 PM, which professional horse race gamblers refer to as “post time.”

I guess because they start at a post or something. Or because gamblers use post-it notes to tack up near the horses when their ready to go and they have little messages on them like, “Oh puleeeeese horsie, puleeeeeeese win for me, puleeeese!”

But….this bright spot, if they lose, they can always ogle other fillys………

How ya doin' bayneeee?

How ya doin’ baybeeee?

So, I looked over the list of horsies and picked “Dance With Fate.” Because as long as I can remember I’ve danced with fate when filing my annual tax forms with the IRS. Had they had a horse named, “Audit Your Butt,” that would have been my second choice.

MYYYY

My point exactly

But my second choice is “Wicked Strong” because of its connection the Boston Marathon bombings. They wanted to honor the victims of that bombing by calling that horse “Boston Strong” but the name was taken.

I might still bet on that one too just out of sentiment.

And my one last choice was a horse named “Vicar’s In Trouble,” and only because, as we all know, there have been a lot of “vicars” in trouble. If you’re a Catholic you’ll catch my drift on that one.

So I figured if that horse is anything like those vicars in trouble, that SOB will run his holy butt off to seek some sort of redemption for any Catholics placing a bet on him. MisfitWisdom logic.

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Cripa Misfitta….yousea nowa a blasphemer….shamea shamea ona youse…..

Now the logic, (yeah right) of my other half. What horsie did she pick? You guessed correctly. “Wicked Strong,” too.

WHY? Because “her logic” is that if “I” play “Wicked Strong” and it wins and she played a horse that lost, she’d never hear the end of it. So to speak track lingo, “a safe bet.” Besides, she gets half of everything I ever win. Which also in track lingo is, “a win, win situation.”

Now I know there are bets such as win, place and show. Which means if the horse “wins,” they “place” him in some sort of bushy area and “show” him off with a giant flower wreath or something. I ain’t stupid ya know. I DO know something about racing.

nnnnnnn

Saved your butt from becoming Elmer’s Glue

Um, are there girl horsies running in the race too?

Hmmm. I think so. In that case, they’d place “her” in that win, place show area.” Just dress her up prettier.

There’s also what is called a “exacta,” when you place your bet with an Italian guy at the window,he gives you exact change back, and you reply, “Thanks, exacta.”

“Trifecta.” This bet is always placed by people who always have to try out new things and get them exactly right. It used to be called “triitexactafecta” but was shortened. So when they bet on a horse, they hope and pray the horse really tries and gets the win by being perfect and exact. Which used to be called a “perfecta” but shortened to “trifecta” to indicate that the horse really tried…….just in case it lost and wasn’t exactly perfect. Hence, perfecta.

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Like that famous horse owner and philosopher Mitt Romney once said, “Horses are people too.”

“Superfecta.” This does not happen very often, but when it does you should always play this bet. A “superfecta” is when a super hero like “Spiderman,” “Captain Marvel,” “The Green Hornet,” own a horse and puts it in the Kentucky Derby race. Knowing super hero powers, this is ALWAYS a sure bet for the horse to win.

UNLESS, crime is running rampant on the day of the race and the horse is scratched. Ya never know. Which basically means always wait till 30 seconds before post time before placing your bet on a “superfecta.”

“Super high-five.” (this is if the horse gives you a high-five as it’s being led out on to the track) It means the horse is a smart ass and thinks it can win the race. If the horse looks like a smart ass, and you observe it high fiving everybody, do not bet on him. Smart ass horsies don’t know squat. They’re just smart asses.

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Typical smart ass horse

And finally something called a “DD pick 3” which I’m pretty sure you place at any Dunkin Donuts at the track. I’m pretty sure a medium coffee and free donut are part of this bet package. Don’t forget your AARP discount.

So, that’s it folks. All ya need to know about this Saturday’s Kentucky Derby, some tips on what MisfitWisdom thinks are hot picks, and how to place your bet.

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What usually happens to me when I bring my friend Doc with me

Take that $20 bucks, as my other half and I will, and choose your horse on all the information I’ve supplied you with.

Yep….$20 bucks.

That way when you lose that $20 bucks you won’t feel too bad if you had bet say, $100 dollars or even more.

And neither will I for giving you this information.

Because, as I said, I don’t know Jack shit about horse racing.

Just sayin.’

 

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Copyright 2014 MisfitWisdom RLV

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About misfit120

Former disc jockey, (Dick Jones) 30 years, and author of, "I Could Have Been Famous But Sex, Love & Life Got In The Way" available at Amazon.com books, & Kindle, "The Covert Chamber" a mystery novel available at Amazon.com and Barnes & Noble, and "Forgotten" the story of two WWI pilots who were forgotten for over 70 years available on Amazon.com and Kindle
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