Cats Rule. So Says Someone Being Held Hostage By Her Cat.

mew10

I’ve always suspected that cats actually control my household. I just live here to help them out with everyday chores such as feeding them, cleaning the litterbox, picking up fur ball barfs, and providing a warm lap to sit on.

But, that said, I still felt I was in control. UNTIL…..until I came across an article by Caroline Golon and “vetstreet.com” which listed six reasons why cats actually may control you and your house.

So, I decided to take a look at Caroline’s reasoning why I may be under the control of my three cats, and now I’m totally convinced that she’s correct. My only reason for existing is to cater to my three cats. How depressing.

But, after looking at her list, I’ve decided that if there is such a thing as reincarnation, I definitely want to come back as a cat.

Yep....

Yep….definitely want to come back as a cat

Here’s the six reasons you too may be just a pawn in the scope of everyday life when it comes to who rules the roost. You or the cat.

1. Random Litterbox Locations: “A sure indicator of a home where cats rule the roost is litterboxes in unexpected places.”

In other words, if you have more than one litterbox throughout your house, you’re catering to your cats bathroom habits. If you have little toilet paper rolls attached to your cats litterbox, and paw sanitizer, you’re basically a hopeless case.mew11

2. Cat pillows: “Once your cat finds that perfect pillow, ideally where the sun hits it in the mid afternoon, then that pillow belongs to the cat.”

This is the case in my house as well. This also applies to anywhere where there is heat. Such as the spot you were sitting on, (butt heat) and immediately upon arising, a cat plops into your seat. Thereby relegating you to commandeer their cat pillow that THEY gave up to get your seat. Kinda like a cat and mouse game with YOU being the mouse.

3. Limited Access To Technology: I for one can vouch for this. Cats love warm computers and keyboards. They will plop themselves on top of your computer or keyboard just as you have finished that 25,000 word essay, and, inadvertently hit the delete button. Or, while you’re gazing at a porno site, (in error of course) hit the “send” button which immediately sends some really neat photos of Bambi Chatruse doing some weird stuff with a banana to your aunt Martha in Peoria, Illinois.

mmmm

Gimmie  a sec here….let’s see…um…www.voyeurcat.com

mmmmmm

OMFG! Look at that hot Tabby!!!!!

mmmmm

She rejected me……sob.

4. Uncomfortable Sleeping Arrangements: Caroline says that in cat-ruled homes, nobody but the cat ever really sleeps where and how they want to.mew1

What this means is that cats will sleep wherever the hell they wanna sleep. On your head, your stomach, on your pillow, under the covers, and on your butt while you are in the throes of sex. Which accounts for the number of visits to the emergency room to have claw marks treated on your butt and back.

And when you attempt to list on that emergency room form just how you got those scratches, they think you’re a cat pervert.

5. Sleeping Schedules That Aren’t Your Own: This one I can vouch for as well. As can many cat owners.

Ever wanna just sleep in? Yeah, just kinda snooze in the morning because you have nowhere to be or nothing to do. Not with a stinkin’ cat. If they are used to getting breakfast at a certain time they will pounce on you from some tall bedroom bureau just to wake you up. Or, if you open one eye, there’s two eyeballs staring back at you.mew2

If that doesn’t work, they resort to rattling the blinds, knocking things off of shelves, attempting to open the sliding closet doors, play various cat games involving “cat hockey” where an object, such as a ceramic cat dish is used as a hockey puck, and if all that fails, meowing constantly as if they were being tortured. Who the f**k needs an alarm clock.

6. Shredded Cat Trees: Your house is ruled by cats if you have an over abundance of cat trees for those little suckers to scratch their claws on.mew9

But, as most cat owners will attest to, the little bastards ignore those cat trees, which incidentally cost anywhere form $40 to $150 dollars, and instead choose to sharpen their claws on more fun things, like your Persian rugs, couches and occasionally your Levis…..while you’re wearing them.mew2

Some cat owners choose to have their felines declawed. I do not. Only because ah can feel the cats pain. BUT, before I moved in with my other half, she had her four cats declawed. Just the front paws. My two cats still had theirs.

Soooo, we had a total of 6 cats, some with claws, some without. Now we’re down to 3 cats, having lost 3, with two having all claws and one just rear claws. So, does declawing work? Hell no.mew4

They still mange to scratch the hell outta you with their back claws. I call it the “leap effect.” Which is when a cat launches itself into mid-air using your lap or legs as the launching pad. So much for leaving back claws on.

RUN

RUN Rover! RUN!!!!! Or, just buy a round of drinks.

Caroline concludes her article saying that “compromises, coddling and work-arounds are all part of living in a household ruled by cats. But all the effort makes the rewards of soft cuddles, hilarious antics and adorable mews that much sweeter, doesn’t it?”

Yeah…..exactly my thought Caroline.

I’ll try to remember that when my cat barfs as I’m eating breakfast, knocks over my coffee cup playing cat games, tracks litter all over the house, brings me an assortment of dead insects as a gift, erases most of my blog text jussst when I’m reaching the end of my writing, and on those rare evenings, (usually 3 times a year) when my other half is in a frisky mood and I get all geared up for a romantic night, a cat plops itself between our naked bodies and proceeds to get into the “L” position and licks itself.

The

The infamous “L” position

Which either means “I know what you two are up to and I want in on the action,” OR, “See……I can get in that position too.” OR……”Hey….forget her ya jerk, “I” rule this house and I want to be petted NOW!……………meow.”

Just sayin.’

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About misfit120

Former disc jockey, (Dick Jones) 30 years, and author of, "I Could Have Been Famous But Sex, Love & Life Got In The Way" available at Amazon.com books, & Kindle, "The Covert Chamber" a mystery novel available at Amazon.com and Barnes & Noble, and "Forgotten" the story of two WWI pilots who were forgotten for over 70 years available on Amazon.com and Kindle
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