Just when you thought Congress and most Congressmen were totally useless for not concentrating their efforts on legislation that affects all of us, SHAZAM! they go and prove us all wrong by taking on an issue that indeed affects each and every one of us. Cow flatulence.
YES! Cow flatulence.
Why just yesterday I got into a heated smelly discussion with a friend of mine over cow flatulence.
“Marvin…..we really gotta get Congress to do something about cow flatulence. It’s getting waaaay outta hand.”
“Ya don’t say Misfit. What’s the problem. I don’t smell nothin?”
“Well I don’t either Marve, but that’s not the point. The point is, cow flatulence, (farts) are contributing to global warming because cow flatulence contains methane gas.”
“Yeah, so what? How in the hell ya gonna stop a cow from farting? Stuff a cork up its butt…heh, heh, heh.”
“Funny Marvin, but this is serious stuff here. So serious that Congressional Senate Republicans (experts on cow flatulence) are warning President Obama not to screw around with regulating cow flatulence.”
How in the hell you regulate cow flatulence is beyond me. Unless there’s some sort of cow flatulence meter that you can attach to a cows butt that regulates the amount of farts they can emit in one given day. My guess anyhow.
In an article by Michael Bastasch of “The Daily Caller,” which, I guess calls people on a daily basis, he quoted Republicans as saying, “Obama’s methane reduction plan could lead to heavy-handed regulations that would have detrimental implications on livestock operations across the country.”
Meaning that it would cost farmers having around 75 to 125 farting cows between $13,000 and $22,000 per fart per year.
Um….WAIT! I think I read that wrong.
Oh, sorry, that should read, “between $13,000 and $22,000 if you own 75 to 125 cows and $17,000 to $27,000 for anyone who owns more cows, like around 200 to 300. The more cows, the more cow farts I guess. Logical.
So Senate Republicans are saying that this would “have detrimental implications” on livestock operations across the country.” Meaning that if the administration taxes cow farmers for their cow farts they would suffer financially. Which, is understandable. Because cows DO fart a lot and I can see where their farting could cost farmers lots of money if they do not adhere to those regulations.
But what do ya do if you’re a farmer? I mean, cows eat, cows digest. Cows fart. WTF!
How do you regulate how many farts per day cows can emit?
Now I read this article several times and there’s no mention as to how you actually reduce cow flatulence emissions. Even the part that says, “The Agriculture Department, Energy Department and Environmental Protection Agency” are set to put together a “Biogas” roadmap to reduce methane emissions.”
WTF is a “Biogas” roadmap to reduce cow flatulence? A map ya give to a cow so that it can follow a path to some cave, go inside, cut a few farts, and then go back outside?
The most I could figure out is that the EPA thinks perhaps feeding them something different to cut down on the number of farts they produce per day. But who’s counting? Um, sorry, some guy at the EPA is. Wouldn’t wanna have that guy’s job.
Now I’m sure there are farmers out there reading today’s blog that know exactly how to cut down on the number of farts a cow can fart per day. Most likely its way to expensive to implement. And if the President’s new focus on agricultural emissions means a tax on farting livestock, I can see where farmers would be all up in arms, and cows, over this tax.
BUT, as I smell it, or see it, according to the EPA, cattle emissions make up 20 percent of the U. S. methane (fart) emissions. Which is why when you are out riding in the country on a hot summer day and stop to look at all those cute cows in a field, it really reeks to the high heavens.
And that noise you hear as you’re watching those cows aren’t them “mooing,” but the sound of them farting.
Damn, the things ya learn on the Internet.
Republicans wrote, “It is our hope that the EPA, USDA, and DOE, (what, no CBS, NBC, ABC and FOX) will work with Congress and the agriculture industry to outline voluntary measures that can be taken to reduce emissions (farts) without imposing heavy-handed regulations on farms across America.”
“Heavy-handed also applies to using a “heavy hand” on a cows butt as it’s ready to fart and you prevent it from coming out.
Now I’m no farmer here folks. But the logical solution to this problem would simply be to rig up a simple device to prevent cow flatulence from escaping into the air thereby preventing methane gas from going into the atmosphere. Something quite inexpensive that would not break farmers pocketbooks.
So I’m offering this suggestion.
Farmers should go to their local feed store or Wal-Mart, buy a few “Hefty” extra strong large size trash bags, duct tape one to the butt of every cow, and let them fart their cow brains out. Once the “Hefty” bag seems to be floating above the cow, a sure sign it is filled with cow flatulence, then simply remove it from he cow’s butt, use a simple twisty and seal it off, load a bunch of them into a truck, send it off to our troops in Afghanistan, and unleash them against the Taliban. Problem solved.
This also applies to chickenshit droppings which are far worse than cow flatulence.
So, in conclusion, Congress solves the problem of having to argue with the President about taxing farmers for farting cows. Farmers get off the hook by simply buying “Hefty” bags. And the U. S. Military can win yet another war against terrorism by simply employing the use of cow farts.
Am I a genius or what! And I don’t even own a cow.
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