If I actually were earning anything from writing this idiotic daily blog I might have made it on “Parade Magazine’s” annual list of “What People Earn.” BUT…I don’t earn anything, which begs the question, then why the f**k do I bother writing this blog if I don’t earn anything?
To which the answer would be, ” Because I’m stupid.” Then again, I don’t have to pay any taxes to the IRS for not earning anything, so basically when ya think about it, am I really that stupid?
While most of the people mentioned in the “Parade Magazine” article DO have to fork over part of their earnings to the IRS. AND….considering “Parade Magazine” printed that handy-dandy list of who makes what, the IRS most likely is taking that article, making a list, checking it twice, and you people in that article will be hearing from them soon if you fail to file on April 15th.
Which suspiciously leads me to believe that perhaps “Parade Magazine” is actually owned by the IRS and they put out that annual list just so that YOU know that THEY know just how much all of you make. Pretty clever huh!
So I took a look at what some of them made and here’s a few I pounced on for one reason or another.
Patrick Garner, 56, from Montclair, New Jersey who is a Thomas Edison impersonator. Which we all know there is a great demand for. Patrick earns $75,000 a year walking around impersonating Thomas Edison. And so far no one has hauled off his butt to the loony farm for being a nut job.
Cripes, if I walked around impersonating Benjamin Franklin they’d have my ass thrown in the loony bin in a heartbeat. But Patrick lucks out and makes big bucks. Go figure.
He probably sells discount incandescent light bulbs while impersonating Edison and people figure, what the hell, if HE thinks he’s Thomas Edison and I can get a good deal on a light bulb, WTF.
Then there’s the other end of the spectrum, Beyonce, 32, pop music superstar who makes an estimated $52 million dollars impersonating herself. No light bulbs involved.
Donna Deforbes, 41, from Warwick, Rhode Island, who is a writer and designer and blogs on eco-mothering and contributes to kids magazines. She earns $30,000 doing that stuff in comparison to myself, who also blogs and contributes to eco-nonsense and earns squat.
Hmmm, maybe I need to write blogs of interest to kids. You know, like advice on where to get rid of snot when you pick your nose and stuff. HEY! That mothering stuff works for Donna for cripes sake!
Randye Kaye, 61, (obviously a fake stage name) from Trumbull, Connecticut makes $90,000 a year as a voice actress doing commercials as well as being used on video games and audiobooks. Which means she most likely has a great voice for that type of stuff. Unlike myself who has 30 years of professional radio broadcasting experience, and a great voice, but everybody keeps telling me to shut the f**k up.
Valerie Leffler, 50, Richland Center, Wisconsin makes $46,800 as a, (cough) cheese worker. A CHEESE WORKER!!!! She makes $46,000 a year as a cheese worker!!! Now this kinda smells cheesy to me.
What the heck does she do anyhow?
Oh, I see. Her quote: “I work in the cookers. The small curds, (not to be confused with that ethnic group from Western Asia, the Kurds) take a ride in a hot bath and – viola – it comes out as cheese.”
Um….noooooo, I don’t really see. She gets paid to give cheese baths? Beats me? If it actually were those “Kurds” from Western Asia THAT might make mores sense to me. Especially the part about giving them a ride in a hot bath.
Marty Stenger, 52, from Lost Creek, West Virginia, (they’re still looking for that creek) is a library director. She pulls in a whopping $8,840 for directing whatever it is library directors direct in a library. Lost books about lost creeks would be my guess. Otherwise a lot of books would be lost in Lost Creek. Which, I assume, is how the town of Lost Creek got its name.
Then there’s Harry Pecci, 53, from Richboro, Pennsylvania who makes $12,000 a year as a stadium beer vendor. He does this “part-time” because he says “everybody loves the beer man.”
Hey Harry, those IRS guys are gonna be lookin’ at you because you said “part-time,” and wondering, “Hey, WTF does this guy do besides “part-time” beer hawking?” Ya really think “they’re” gonna believe you survive on $12,000 a year just selling beer. HAH!
Jeanie Forrester, 56, Meredith, New Hampshire who is a state senator. She makes, get this….$100 dollars a YEAR!!!!
YES….you read that correctly, $100 dollars a year. WHY! Because she flunked math in school and thought being a state senator making $100 dollars a year was a great deal of money.
Actually New Hampshire’s constitution stipulates that senators can only be paid $100 dollars a year. Which is also how New Hampshire got their state motto, “Live Free or Freakin’ Die.” Because on $100 dollars a year you definitely have to live somewhere for free, can’t afford any food, and eventually do die.
I myself gave that a shot by twerking and sticking my tongue out at the last town council meeting I attended just to see if anyone would throw me a few $76.5 million, but the cops didn’t buy my entrepreneurial attempt as they were hauling my butt away.
Gloria Ross, 62, St. Louis, Missouri, makes $13,000 a year writing obituaries. I’m sure she could possibly make a lot more if those totally inconsiderate people who insist on living beyond the age of 80 just die and give her more obits to write about. Just think of how much money you could make in overtime Gloria.
Finally, and this is one of my favorites, Joseph Hughes, 66, Abingdon, Maryland makes $6,000 a year as an accordionist. Which, as the late Lawrence Welk would say, is “Wun’erful Wun’erful.”
Now as far as I’m concerned, this guy should make a hell of a lot more than he’s making playing the accordion. Just the fact that the accordion weighs a gazillion pounds and we just do not have enough accordionists around seems to me that it should be worth more than paying that guy a mere $6,000.
HEY! When the hell was the last time you went to a bar and were able to sit back and enjoy some guy belting out a few tunes on the accordion? SEE!
So, my vote for the most overpaid person would be Miley Cyrus, because, as we all know, ANYBODY can stick their tongue out and twerk their butt.
And for the most underpaid person, Joe Hughes, the accordion player. Hang in there Joe. As soon as Lady Ga Ga discovers your talents and brings you on board you’re gonna make millions.
And……in honor of Joe, and his accordion talents…….my favorite accordion host, Lawrence Welk performing for all of you………..enjoy.
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