Pssssst! Hey Buddy….For $50 Bucks I Can Set Ya Up With A Real Life Barbie Doll.


Yep. Like every woman I’ve ever met

I suspect that line in my headline header will soon become a reality on some street corner in the near future. I’m thinking this due to the number of women who are fixated with “Barbie” dolls and want to actually look like them. At any cost.

Take for instance, Moldavian-Ukrainian model and babeski Valeria Lukyanova pictured below who strangely resembles a Barbie Doll.


Hey! Hurry up and take the damn picture already. Plastic melts in the sun ya know.


“GQ Magazine,” which could stand for “Geez Queer,” considering the nature of  THIS article, decided to take their readers inside the mind of the controversial 28 year-old  model.

HEY “GQ,” the men reading THIS article are NOT interested in getting into her MIND!!!!


Mind? What mind?

Women reading your article however, are more interested in how the freak she got to actually look like Barbie.


Geez, where the f**k did I go wrong?

Which begs the question. Why is it women want to look like Barbie and men do not want to look like Barbie’s boyfriend Ken?

Answer: Barbie has boobs while Ken has, um…er…….nothing that would support a jock strap. Go figure.


Need I say more……

Anyhow, Valeria says that she proudly admits to being obsessed with all things Barbie. “Everyone wants a slim figure.”

Yep….correct Valeria.

“Everyone fixes up their face if it’s not ideal, you know.”

Correct again Valeria.

“Everyone gets breasts done.” Yep cor….um……WAIT! Sorry, I’ll pass on that one.

She does admit to getting breast implants, but only that. But “GQ” says that it’s fairly clear by her appearance that she has Barbified herself in other ways. Really….I never would have noticed.


How to “Barbify” yourself

She also said that she is “setting her sights on grabbing the world’s attention and that she cringes at the thought of settling down with a family of her own in the future.” Not even with Ken. Even if he DID manage to get something to fill that jock strap. Which Mattel, the makers of Barbie and Ken, could easily arrange.

I mean, just how “hard” could it be to make Ken anatomically correct. I’m sure there are a lot of engineers at the Mattel factory that would be willing to show the company “literally” what they need to make Ken a “real” man.


SOB….Ken, why…..why……why didnt you tell me BEFORE we got married.


Valeria says, “It’s unacceptable to me. The very idea of children brings out this deep revulsion in me. I’d rather die from torture because the worst thing in the world is to have a family lifestyle.”

Yes, I’m sure many of us feel that way too. Nothing like the torture of having a family lifestyle. The deprivation of it all.


Simple, as she so aptly explained: “I’m against feminism….what would you keep the children for? So they can get you a glass of water when you’re on your deathbed?”

YES! That’s why all of us have children. Otherwise how in the hell would we get that last glass of water, which, we’d need, before our last breath, at which point it would give us a few more seconds to live, thanks to our kids bringing us that last glass of water, which would then give us enough strength to sign our last will and testament leaving everything to our kids.

See, she has no idea how important it is to have kids when you’re on your deathbed. If only to get your kids to get rid of your adult Barbie collection of dolls before the rest of the relatives see them and find out what a damn pervert you were.


It’d be MY excuse

Sooooo, did Valeria stop there? Nope. She continued to insert her Barbie foot into her Barbie mouth by saying this about mixed races. (not a race involving horses and dogs at a racetrack)

“For example, a Russian marries an Armenian, they have a kid, a cute girl, but she has her dad’s nose. She goes and files it down a little, and it’s all good. Ethnicities are mixing now, so there’s no degeneration, and it didn’t used to be like that.”

Huh? What’s with the freakin’ nose comment? So what if that Russian kid has her father’s nose? HEY! I have MY father’s nose. No big deal. Ok…ok…so it’s big. WTF! Um, then again I’m not a Barbie or a Ken. BUT….I bet if I were, people would still buy a doll with a big nose….ya think?


Ok….so maybe they wouldn’t buy a big nosed Barbie doll

And she then added: “Remember how many beautiful women there were in the 1950’s and 1960’s, without any surgery? And now thanks to degeneration, we have this. I love this Nordic image of myself. I have white skin; I am Nordic type – perhaps a little Eastern Baltic, but closer to Nordic.”

How about closer to nut job Valeria.

After all, after everything that you just said it seems that after all that you’ve done to look like a Barbie you may fall into the “Froot Loop” Category. Insulting people with big noses. Being repulsed by the idea of having kids. And slamming people of mixed races.


Plastic ones

WAIT! I think we can cut Valeria some slack here folks. It’s not her fault.

As we all know, when “Mattel” makes Barbie dolls they DO NOT include a brain. And perhaps that’s why Valeria says those controversial things. No brain, no intelligence.

So, Ken, don’t feel too bad about not having a Johnson. With Valeria not having a brain, I think it just about evens out. Ya think?

Cue the scarecrow……………

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About misfit120

Former disc jockey, (Dick Jones) 30 years, and author of, "I Could Have Been Famous But Sex, Love & Life Got In The Way" available at books, & Kindle, "The Covert Chamber" a mystery novel available at and Barnes & Noble, and "Forgotten" the story of two WWI pilots who were forgotten for over 70 years available on and Kindle
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