Earth Shattering News For Crimea Residents…….McDonald’s Is Closing. OMFG!!!!


Makaohanac? (Russians aren’t very good at spelling)

See what happens when ya say to yourselves, “Yesk…we vant to be part of Mother Russia.” The next thing ya know McDonald’s says, “Oh yeah, well we don’t.”

Yep, now the people of Crimea have to do without Big Macs, Fish Filet Sandwiches and Chicken McNuggets. The world as Crimeans know it is coming to an end.

Bet they never thought of THAT happening when they voted to become part of Russia.

See…..there’s always those little things you fail to take into consideration when you vote to secede from one country to another.


Damski! No more Bigski Macs

McDonald’s in a statement said, “Due to operational reasons beyond our control, McDonald’s has taken the decision to temporarily close our three restaurants in Simferpol, Sevastopol and Yalta.”

Damn. And here I was planning a weekend trip to Sevastopol. Now I gotta change my plans and maybe just drive to my local McDonald’s and get my hotcakes, sausage patty, hash brown and coffee. (sigh) It just wont be the same though.

Nothing like sitting back in a Crimean McDonald’s watching Russian troops drag residents who do not support the takeover and haul them away. All that real live action, like on TV, but from the comfort of my warm cozy Crimean McDonald’s restaurant.

HEY! How often do ya get to sit in a McDonald’s here in America and see an Army tank roll by your window crushing a few cars? NEVER! Now THAT’s entertainment!

“Hey waitress, another cup of coffee please. I was gonna have just one cup but I wanna see if that fat guy that Russian tank is rolling over survives.”


But, Crimeans at least still have their favorite movie star, Marilynski Monroevitch to console them

Presently McDonald’s is not really in a state of panic after closing their Crimean restaurants after a prominent Moscow politician called for all the U.S. fast food chain’s outlets in Russia to be shut. This, I’m assuming was one of those tit for tat moves by that politician.

You know how it goes. The U.S. imposes sanctions on Russia. Russia imposes sanctions of the U.S. and McDonald’s has to close some of its restaurants. Which I guess can be called “hamburger sanctions.” Which, to us Americans, is the worst kind of sanction any country could impose.

Cut off Americans hamburger and fry supplies and we’re useless. We’ll surrender to any invading country just to get out hamburgers and fries back. Gawd knows what we’d do if they cut off our access to vanilla and chocolate shakes too. Probably reveal anything we know about national security. Or, at least the secret recipe ingredients to “Bush Beans.”


Gimmie da Bush Beans recipe or da dog gets it

HEY! If Edward Snowden thinks he’s screwed for revealing all the spying techniques of the NSA, wait till he finds out he can’t get a damn McDonald’s hamburger in Russia. He might wanna have second thoughts about coming back home and turning himself in.

McDonald’s still has other restaurants in mainland Ukraine, which may or may not be subjected to closures. But, my money is on them remaining open. Only because I suspect McDonald’s mascot, Ronald McDonald is himself Russian.

I’m basing this on the fact that he has red hair and the prominent color in Russia is “red.” Along with Russians being called “reds”  and such well-known places as “Red Square.”

So calling for McDonald’s to be banned from mainland Ukraine might be a bit much to push for by Moscow. Besides, I think Ronald McDonald has some high level relatives in the Russian government. General Ronaldski McDonaldoskvitch Sr. (Obviously Ronald Jrs. name was Americanized)


OK….it’s unanimous

McDonald’s decision to close their Crimea restaurants was welcomed by Deputy Dawg who…um…..oh sorry, read that wrong. It should read, “McDonald’s decision was welcomed by the deputy speaker of the Russian Parliament, Vladimer Zhirinnovsky, known for his anti-Western rhetoric, who demanded that McDonald’s pull its business out of Russia entirely.”

Vlad said, “It would be good if they’re closed here too…..if they disappeared for good. Pepsi-Cola would be next.”


Vee closink Makaohanic’s. You eat last burger or die.

Vlad seems a bit uptight don’t ya think? First McDonald’s and now he wants to nail Pepsi-Cola. Cripes, what’s next. Banning the sales of Viagra?

Um, on second thought, maybe they should ban the sales of Viagra in Crimea, the Ukraine and Mother Russia.

That might be Vlad’s problem. A bunch of pissed off Russians walking around with big hard-ons could be the main reason they’re so ticked off at McDonald’s. Ya think?


“Dancing with the Czars”

You know how it is when you’re out looting and pillaging other countries after getting last-minute orders from Mr. Putin to invade Crimea and you just took a Viagra pill and now, (suffering from a four-hour Russian erection) you can’t move around very well hassling Crimean citizens. Or sit comfortably in a McDonald’s restaurant.

“Good morning comrade Russian Parliament Speaker Vladimir Zhirinovsky. What would you like from our McDonald’s Crimean menu this morning?”

“You vant to streep down nekked, seet on da giant Biga Mac bun and I devour you…DA?”

“Um, I don’t think that’s one of our menu specials this morning. Perhaps just a cup of coffee to calm you down….you seem rather upset.”

“Da….four hour Viagra erectiona and no place to puet eet. Me peesed off. Order all McDonald’s closed.”

“Perhaps a nice vanilla shake then?”

“Nyet…..yo got red shake instead?”

“Um….no, just white vanilla.”

“No RED!!!! Everybody out! McDonald’s closed!!


Crimea comrades. Please visit our other location in Siberia. Bring warm jacket.

This of course could all backfire for the Russians. Russian food suppliers to the restaurant chain would suffer a loss in revenue. Not good for Vlad’s reputation.

So, it remains to be seen as to what the final outcome of this stand-off between McDonald’s, the Russians, and the American sanctions will have on all of this hamburger crisis.

As I see it, if it continues, the only option will be to enact the same measures we did when Germany, (the Russian sector) cut off East Berlin from West Berlin during World War II.

Which would be to fly planes over Crimea loaded with McDonald’s hamburgers, fries, hash browns and the rest of the menu, then drop them via tiny parachutes to the residents of Crimea and surrounding areas. (condiments included) At least until all of this is resolved.

Worked during the Berlin airlift. Sounds like a no brainer to me.


Might be a good idea to cook the hamburgers first before dropping them on unsuspecting Crimeans craving for a fresh hamburger.

Just sayin.’

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About misfit120

Former disc jockey, (Dick Jones) 30 years, and author of, "I Could Have Been Famous But Sex, Love & Life Got In The Way" available at books, & Kindle, "The Covert Chamber" a mystery novel available at and Barnes & Noble, and "Forgotten" the story of two WWI pilots who were forgotten for over 70 years available on and Kindle
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