AND….I’m not sure if they have them on TV advertisements because my TV screen is so small, or my eyeballs are, and I can’t tell if it’s there. Even if it’s not, they always have that teeny weeny small print at the bottom of ads that a CIA encryption code expert can’t decipher. OR…some guy reading the disclaimer at the end of the ad at 24o words per second. WTF.
For instance. I need a new pair of glasses. So, I happened to notice an ad for a set of glasses for under a hundred bucks. WOW! Great deal. UNTIL……until I spotted that little * thingy after the hundred bucks offer.
So you then have to find where the other half of the * thingy is, because they come in pairs, and then read the 1/16th inch typeface with a magnifying glass to see what it says.
Which something like, “Oh, sorry, we didn’t mean to imply that you could actually get a set of glasses for under a hundred bucks if you want bifocals that have progressive lens. WHAT! Do ya think we’re freakin’ stupid. The only glasses you can get for under a hundred bucks are plain old everyday glasses if you only wanna see regular stuff and not read or trip over things. Which any normal person obviously needs. And if you need otherwise, its gonna cost you two to three hundred more bucks. Sorry pal.”
And it’s that way with just about every ad you come across that’s offering you the greatest deal of your life.
Here’s another one that always blows my mind. Those ads that want you to subscribe to television service which includes your telephone and Internet.
“Hey…..sign up now for our fantastic bundle service and you can get it all for just $79.99 a month.*
Oops….hummmmm. What’s that * thingy there for?
*Oops, um did we forget to tell you that the $79.99 a month is only for six months to a year and that once we get you to sign our 50 year contract, the price, at the end of that year, will go up to $179.99. But hey, think of the money you’ll save that first year. Besides, we’re also throwing in five Spanish channels, The Knitting channel, 25 Music Channels, and the Al Jazeera network.
You can also substitute that * for those commercials for prescription medications they advertise on TV. Did ya ever listen to all of the side effects from taking some of those medications.
“Do you suffer from insanity? Now a new medication from Glackso, Klingo, Zftzer and Morrick” can bring you that long sought after relief. One tablet and you’ll be able to function normally for 12 to 24 hours.*”
*side effects include hair growth on the palms of your hands, glazing over of your eyeballs, drooling, the urge to play slot machines for 24 hours at a time, uncontrollable desires for sex with ugly women, confusion over the “Affordable Care Act,” a sudden urge to adopt 25 or more cats at your local ASPCA, and cross dressing in public. Do not take this medication if you are married or presently in a mental institution as it will conflict with the 50 other medications you are presently taking.
Now if you think I’m kidding about that * thingy, pay attention to some of the ads in your local newspaper tomorrow. And when you’re sitting in front of the tube tonight and an advertisement comes on for ANY prescription medication, wait till they get to the part at the end of the commercial that says, “Side effects may include……”
“Geez doc. I came in here two weeks ago because I needed a prescription for toe nail fungus and ya gave me this here stuff and told me my nails would be fine. So I followed the directions on the bottle and all of a sudden within a few days I had trouble opening mayonnaise jars, I had terrible cravings for liver and peanut butter sandwiches, my sex drive all but ceased and my wife left me because I kept having the urge to continually sing, “There Was A Fungus Among Us.”
“Well um, yes THOSE ARE some of the side effects of that medication.”
“Cripes doc, the side effects are worse than the toe nail fungus!”
“Sooooo. Is your toe nail fungus all cleared up?”
“Well, um, yeah.”
“So what the hell ya complainin’ about a few little side effects.”
So, it’s mainly prescription medications you really have to pay attention to in those ads. Then those * thingys in print ads. And that tiny tiny print at the bottom of your TV screen during those ads. AND….that announcer that rattles off a gazillion sentences about this and that at the end of an ad.
So I figure there’s only a few ways to get around this stuff. If you see an * in an ad…..then it’s too good to be true. Tell em to f**k off. (the two ** in f**k off have nothing to do with anything being hidden….it simply means f**k off)
If you’re suffering from something, and you’re alive and breathing, screw taking prescription medications. If you do, you’ll have more problems and more medications to counter the side effects from your original side effects from your first medication and eventually wind up as a pile of sawdust on the floor.
Of course if you absolutely have to take prescription medications or you’ll die, then by all means take them. Unless I already scared the bejesus outta you and you’re ready to give them up. Which means you’re gonna die if you don’t take them. BUT….look at it on the upside. No side effects anymore and hey, we all have to die sometime.
As far as those telephone ads to switch from this one to that one for a better deal…..if it looks like a duck, smells like a duck and walks like a duck, if you spot an * you’re gonna get f**ked…….
Works the same way for car ads too. Like if you’re getting a $1,000 rebate. Do you REALLY think ANY car dealership is gonna give you a rebate without first raising the price of the car $1,000 first. I think however you can spot that scam if there are more than one * in their ad. Sometimes four or more. Which basically means you’re really gonna get screwed.
Which. as long as I’m talking about getting screwed, you will NEVER see any of those * thingys at a house of ill repute.
Most likely the only place you can get screwed with no hidden clauses or *************………….and enjoy it.
Getting screwed that is.
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