Noah! Ya Forgot the Unicorns!!! WHAT! OMG!!! Oops….sorry God.


#!@&%$#! Woodpeckers…..

Well  actually you have to cut some slack to Noah when it came to making sure that he had every animal on board the ark. I mean, it’s not like he had a lot of time to make a list of every single animal on the face of the earth and then could round them all up. He was bound to forget one or two here and there.

HEY! Don’t we all forget things on OUR shopping lists?

Besides, wasn’t it God’s job to provide Noah with a list of animals in the first place. Cripes, the guy had to build this huge ark AND make a list of animals. Come on now! And he wasn’t even making minimum wage.noah2

But, we’ll never know the real actual story about Noah and the ark because most of us weren’t around, including Fox News, CNN, and Entertainment Tonight.

However, yesterday Paramount Pictures released yet another version of Noah’s Ark which may shed some light on what actually happened. This, after Edward Snowden released more records from the NSA which clearly shows that the spy agency was spying on Noah waaaaay back then.

There have been other films made about Noah’s Ark but this one contains more in-depth stuff.

Like upon landing on top of Mount Ararat, Noah went on a wine drinking binge. Where he found bottles of wine to drink is beyond me. Unless God told him where his private stash was and lent Noah a few bottles. Which is most likely why we Catholics still drink wine during mass. My guess anyhow.


Noah may have dipped into the wine a bit early

Religious movies have had their ups and downs over the years due to many faith-based groups wanting movie studios to stick to the scriptures while movie studios wanted to insert some catchy scenes to hold their audiences. This according to an article in the March 31st issue of “Time Magazine.” Which has been around for as long as the scriptures. Which is why they named it, “Time” magazine.

But most religious groups are somewhat satisfied with this rendition of the story of Noah and that ark. And the wine drinking story. Although the brand of wine that Noah drank may be in question. I think wine companies are vying for that honor as we speak…or I write.

So my basic knowledge of Noah and the ark is that God somehow texted Noah, or somehow contacted him via carrier pigeon or cloud formations or whatever. Who knows how God communicated back then. And, He, (God) told Noah that a big flood was coming. (God was also the inspiration for what is known today as “The Weather Channel”)


Which answers that question: How God contacted Noah

So, Noah got all of these various animals together on this huge boat, or ark, and waited for the rain to fall. Which it did for forty days and forty nights, but who’s counting, and then eventually lands on Mount Ararat, opens the ark doors, lets the animals out, and then says to himself, “Geez God, couldn’t ya have picked a better spot to land than on top of a freakin’ mountain!”

At which time God responded, “Hey, Charlton Heston never gave me any flack when he played Moses ya know!!!!”

Surprisingly, when John Bock, founder and president of the marketing firm “Grace Hill Media” included that scene in “Noah” where Noah gets soused on wine once he got off the ark, he discovered that “a number of faithful weren’t aware of that story as told in the Bible.”

Could be God had a censor and wanted that part deleted. I mean it makes complete sense to me. How would that have looked to millions of little Catholic boys, such as myself, when we were going to Catechism to hear about Noah boozing it up. Then again, if I personally had to spend forty days and forty nights with a bunch of smelly animals pooping all over the place I’d be ready to get bombed on some wine too.noah5

You CAN read about Noah in the “Book of Genesis” if you have a few years or so to sit back and read every single page. I kinda like pictures in books that I read and I don’t think there are too many in there. Might wanna opt for the movie.

But, there are some interesting things in that book. I for one was interested in what Noah’s last name was. WHAT! Smith, Jones, Goldstein? Who knows?

But I did find other interesting stuff, which may or may not be in the new movie. Like Noah saves himself, his family and all of the world’s animals from the flood…..except for those Unicorns, which none of us would have known about were it not for the “Irish Rovers” song “The Unicorn.” (they were not on the ark so I have no idea how they knew that)


Why there are no unicorns

God himself, having some carpentry experience, (I base this on the fact that his son also had some carpentry experience) gave Noah a set of plans on the dimensions of the ark. God was quite specific on those dimensions, which may have pissed off Noah because God never gave him a slide rule or any tools. So, the ark may or may not have been exactly what God wanted, but, He cut Noah some slack.noah8

Interestingly, the ark was kinda like some of today’s cruise ships. Refuse was stored on the lowest of the ark’s three decks, humans and clean beasts on the second, and the unclean animals and birds on the top. I guess God figured those smelly unclean animals and birds belonged on top, otherwise boy would that ark smell to the high Heavens. No Febreze back then too.

Russell Crowe of course plays Noah. Which may also be one of the reasons there are a lot of crows around today. Noah, like Crowe, may have favored them. Unless Noah’s last name was Crow, or Crowe too. My guess anyhow.


Russell Crowe on the set of “Noah.”

For the sake of not making today’s blog of epic proportions, like the movie, I’ll fast forward to how Bock believes the Christian audiences will feel about his movie. Bock says that what “Darren Aronofsky, (the writer and director of the movie) has done is make this guy (Noah) righteous and flawed, which is going to resonate with the Christian community because that’s all of us. I think they’re going to see themselves in Noah.”


HEY! The guy’s right. I CAN picture myself as Noah!

He may have a point there. We all have shagged one of our own animals, or two, (mainly dogs and cats) when it really rains hard. Then, after getting wet bringing Rover and Fluffy into the house, sit back and swig down some wine, gaze out the window at our “Hummers” (they resemble arks) and say to ourselves, “Cripes God, when the heck is all this freakin’ rain gonna stop.”

Which is why God also created “The Weather Channel.” Genesis 315

Just sayin.’

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About misfit120

Former disc jockey, (Dick Jones) 30 years, and author of, "I Could Have Been Famous But Sex, Love & Life Got In The Way" available at books, & Kindle, "The Covert Chamber" a mystery novel available at and Barnes & Noble, and "Forgotten" the story of two WWI pilots who were forgotten for over 70 years available on and Kindle
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