FINALLY! A Reason For Cats. Use Them As Weapons.

cats1

Having three totally useless do nothing cats myself, I’ve often wondered……..WHY!

Other than someone to talk to when my other half isn’t speaking to me. And even then, I might as well talk to a freakin’ wall, because as we all know, cats can’t talk to you either.

So why have a cat? The gazillion dollar question.

Now, FINALLY comes the explanation out of Philadelphia and a story by the AP.

It seems that back in the 16th century, which we all fondly recall, a German prince, (not the recording artist formally known as Prince) was trying to figure out how to crush a peasant rebellion.

Pay attention here for cripes sake! I said “peasant” NOT “pheasant.” Sometimes ya just have to make these things perfectly clear.pheasant1

So, I’m assuming as he sat back in his easy chair with his feet up on an ottoman, which, by the way was who he was also worrying about, those no good niks the “Ottomans” and their damn empire, he suddenly had a brainstorm. This, coming after he sneezed and his cat jumped off of his lap thereby digging its claws into his crotch and causing severe pain.

“EUREKA!” I’m assuming he said. AFTER saying $@#!*$#! to the damn cat. “Thouist shall employ the devious nature of thouist kitty and make them there damn Ottomans and peasants pay for their whatever it is I want them to pay for.” Most likely take out food from the castle.

Typical

Typical castle

So, according to this article, “fanciful illustrations, (kinda frilly I guess) from a circa-1530 manual on artillery and siege warfare seem to show jet packs strapped to the backs of cats and doves, with the German-language text helpfully advising military commanders to use them to set fire to a castle or a city when you can’t get to otherwise.”

Which could have been a useful tactic for those people who were stranded on the George Washington bridge in New York last year. Send out a flaming cat across that bridge and everyone scatters. Might have saved Governor Christie’s butt too.

Um, maybeee not. ASPCA would sure as hell blame him for arming a cat.

mmmm

Although cats were used during World War II to bomb the enemy

So did they really use flaming cats back in the 16th century? And if so, did that tactic actually work? And is THAT where the term “hot pussy” came from?

According to University of Pennsylvania researcher Mitch Fraas, and an expert on “hot pussys” I assume, he’s not quite sure. Or, as he may have actually said, “How the f**k would I know. I’m a dog person and besides that do I look like I was around during the 15th century you damn idiots?”

Actually Fraas, (rhymes with bras) says, “I really doesn’t know what to make of it. It, (the drawings of cats on fire) clearly looks like there’s some sort of jet of fire coming out of a device strapped to these animals.” (drawing below)

Strap that bomb to yer backs and no body gets hurt

Strap that fire bomb to yer backs and nobody gets hurt

Oops….sorry, wrong picture……(actual drawing below)

16th

16th century drawing from the University of Pennsylvania by Franz Helm

Drawings from multiple artists of that era show all sorts of strange and terrible imagery, from bombs packed with shrapnel to missile-like explosive devices studded with spikes along with those weaponized cats and birds.

Which seems logical to me. The bird part that is. After all, those of us who have experience getting pooped on by a bird can very well understand how they cold drop a bomb if ya catch my drift here.

But cats? How would ya get a cat to destroy the enemy?

Ahhhh....

Ahhhh….yes….the old “claw-em-in-the-balls” weapon

Well, Fraas says you would have to create a small sack like a fire arrow if you wanted to attack a town or a castle. But first, you would have to get a cat that lived in one of those places. THEN, once you got a hold of that cat, you tie the bind with that fire arrow to the back of the cat, ignite it, let it glow well, then let the cat go, and then it runs to the nearest castle or town and out of fear it thinks to hide itself somewhere like in a barn filled with hay or straw where it will be ignited.

I’m assuming by ignited he meant the hay, straw and the cat. Boy were they lucky the ASPCA wasn’t around then. I certainly hope they had some very good emergency rooms around then too. Have ya ever tried to do ANYTHING to a cat that involves strapping something to it? I still have claw marks all over my body from trying to give one of my cats a damn bath. Never mind strapping a flaming device to it.

Fraas said that he could find no evidence that cats or birds were used in early modern warfare. Which he says is a good thing.

“Sort of a harebrained scheme.” he went on to say. “It seems like a really terrible idea, and very unlikely the animals would run back to where they came from. More likely they’d set your own camp on fire.”

Look

Look pal….I didn’t start that freakin’ fire so f**k off!

Which may account for that 16th century German prince’s demise as he sat on his ottoman, lit up a cat, which then jumped off of his lap, gouging his crotch, which then made the prince grab his balls in pain thereby knocking over the rest of the cat incendiary devices he had next to him, which then set his castle on fire, burned down the rest of the town, and caused the Ottomans to eventually just walk in and take over that town.

Don’t let a bunch of Ottomans from the Ottoman Empire just run in and take over your town. Subscribe to “Direct TV.”

Which is what that prince should have done in the first place rather than screwing around with a bunch of hot pussys.

Just sayin.’

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About misfit120

Former disc jockey, (Dick Jones) 30 years, and author of, "I Could Have Been Famous But Sex, Love & Life Got In The Way" available at Amazon.com books, & Kindle, "The Covert Chamber" a mystery novel available at Amazon.com and Barnes & Noble, and "Forgotten" the story of two WWI pilots who were forgotten for over 70 years available on Amazon.com and Kindle
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1 Response to FINALLY! A Reason For Cats. Use Them As Weapons.

  1. Pingback: FINALLY! A Reason For Cats. Use Them As Weapon | MisfitWisdom

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