Remember These Ancient Items? If You’re Freakin’ Ancient That Is.

Today is laid back Sunday. After my MRI ordeal and the Olympics, Russia and Obama going head to head about the Ukraine, I felt we all needed a light-hearted break from the news.

So today I’m highlighting some items that Jennifer Noonan and Bob Vila came up with that are ancient, like some of us, that most young people have never heard of and us older people probably for the most part either still own and refuse to give them up.

Including

I must admit, that I still have a lot of these items around my house because I’m freakin’ old. That, and the fact that I refuse to throw anything out. Except garbage that is. Even then I’m a bit reluctant.

So, lets see what’s on their list of things that have gone the way of the pole lamp. YES…the pole lamp folks. It went from the floor to your ceiling and worked fine. But, it’s no longer the in thing. Unless you’re a retired pole dancer and like to reminisce about the old days when you pole danced and guys shoved one dollar bills into your bra or panties. Now, if you do it at your age someone, most likely an old geezer will shove a food stamp voucher into your bra or panties.ancient10

The rotary dial phone. Yep…still have one of those. Keeps my fingers exercised and agile.ancient6

Wood paneling. Damn….still have that too in my house. But, considering if I ever have to kill my other half it’s much easier to pull down a panel and stick her butt behind it rather than chop away at sheet rock and plaster.

Tube TV’s. Those big floor model televisions sets that had all kinds of tubes in them.  I know, you younger folks are saying to yourselves, “TUBES! Ya mean like the kind you find in auto tires?” No you idiots. TUBES! Like…um….er….ah forget it!

mmmmm

Cabinet could double as a casket when the TV finally died

A popcorn maker. Today we use microwave ovens to pop popcorn. Back in the days of the ol West you had to have an actual popcorn maker. Plugged it in, added the kernels and waited. And waited…..and waited….and waited.

8-Track tapes. OMG! I still have some of those too. Um….so does my pal Willie Loco Alexander out in Gloucester, Massachusetts. Then again, he’s as freakin’ old as I am so I don’t feel so bad. That’s the good news. The bad news is that neither one of us has an 8-track player. Damn!

mmm

8-track tapes and the player

Burning trash in your backyard. Yeah! Before it became an environmental issue you could (gasp) burn trash in an old oil drum in your backyard. OMG! How the f**k did we ever survive without dying from those fumes. It was kinda romantic however. Nothing like burning garbage in an old oil drum on a hot summer night. Great place to roast marshmallows too.

Gawd

Gawd I miss those romantic evenings

Record players of course are still around and you can buy them just about anywhere. BUT…..they now come equipped with CD players, iPod attachments, cassette players, USB ports, CD and DVD recording capabilities and a condom dispenser. I think.

Slide projectors. Yep…have one of those hanging around too. Along with 3,000 slides of my other half frolicking in Hawaii long before I met her. I think there may be some shots of Steve McGarrett from “Hawaii Five-O” telling Dano to “book em” in those slides too.ancient12

Typewriters. Gawd I hated those things. Make a damn error and you either had to use white-out or start all over again. No spell check either. Cripes, I’d never be able to write a blog. It wuld lok like dis.

Wind up alarm clocks. Still have one of those hanging around too. WHY! Hey, when you lose power guess what still will work ya dummies.

Now this next one I don’t completely understand why it’s on their list. Door bells. WTF! Door bells are obsolete? OH WAIT! I think they might be right. How many times on “Criminal Minds” or “CSI” do ya see the cops banging on doors or yelling for someone to come out instead of simply ringing a door bell. Makes sense to me.ancient13

Old cable TV boxes. Simple one with several buttons that you’d push and got a channel. Now ya have to be a damn rocket scientist to either change a channel or figure out how to either stream, go on demand, or shut the damn thing off. Which is why I always keep a stick of dynamite handy for that one moment when I finally lose it.

mmmmm

Cable TV box. No instructions needed

How about “Polaroid” cameras. It was the only way you had to take naked photos of anyone. Preferably the babe you were dating or your spouse. Which I think was the only reason Polaroid invented that camera in the first place. Only so that you wouldn’t have to take naked photos and then have them developed at some store and then have the vice squad nail your butt. Or the clerk think you’re a perv.

mmmm

One Step. Get naked….take pic

Electric bun warmers. HUH! People actually bought an electric bun warmer? Go figure. Why didn’t they just wear woolen underwear. Um…WAIT! I think they mean buns that you eat. Sorry. Never owned one of those.

Finally, “Dutch Doors.” Invented by Ronald Reagan.” (you have to know that was his nickname you idiot)ancient14

I think Dutch Doors may still be in use, by the Dutch, and in some older houses, and possibly in some newer ones on request. Or most likely used in houses where the residents are very short people and simply use the lower part of the door. Seems logical to me.

Reagan:

Reagan: “May I enter, my sweet delicious swan of love?” Nancy: “Ohhhh, sorry honeeee, I’m not wearing anything below this door.”

So that’s it, a list of things that most of us do not own or use anymore. And most likely will eventually, if not already, disappear entirely from the face of the Earth.

Thanks Jennifer and Bob for reminding me just how freakin’ ancient I am.

And soon I myself will also be one of those things that disappear from the face of the Earth.

Not because I’ll be outdated and a new version of me will come along, but because nature has a way of getting rid of old geezers like me.

Its called DEATH!

Unlike most of that stuff I just mentioned that gets thrown in a closet or basement and lives on forever.

Just sayin.’

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About misfit120

Former disc jockey, (Dick Jones) 30 years, and author of, "I Could Have Been Famous But Sex, Love & Life Got In The Way" available at Amazon.com books, & Kindle, "The Covert Chamber" a mystery novel available at Amazon.com and Barnes & Noble, and "Forgotten" the story of two WWI pilots who were forgotten for over 70 years available on Amazon.com and Kindle
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