Yes folks. No longer will you have to try to figure out what the hell “woof,” “bark” or “growl” mean anymore. Maybe even an answer to that age-old dog mystery you’ve always wanted to know. Why is it that dogs smell each others balls.
YES! Finally an answer is on the horizon. Although I for one really don’t wanna know why dogs sniff each others balls. More like, “Hey, why is my dog staring at me when I’m naked.” And then barfing.
Or, what is the meaning of life to a dog?
Once again scientists have come up with a device that will translate what your dog is saying into human language so that we can understand WTF it’s saying. WHY! I haven’t a damn clue.
Like, is my dog, if I had one, really have anything useful to say anyhow? Other than let me out, let me in, and feed me.
But that hasn’t stopped the “Nordic Society for Invention and Discovery,” from inventing this new device called, “No More Woof.”
Gotta hand it to those Nordics when it come to naming a really catchy device.
The “NSID” says, “The brainwaves differ quite a lot from different races as well as individual dogs. However it is possible to detect some common patterns and we have no doubt that in the future this technology will open up a vast new era of communication between dogs and humans, or animals in general and humans.”
“Sooooo Rover, what’s on your agenda for today?”
“Well master, I thought that after you feed me that stinkin’ crap that you always feed me I’d go out and sniff a few fellow dog butts, dig up that ham bone ya gave me from last summer, and then hang out with some other dogs at that fire hydrant down the street.”
Of course that is if you feel that you have a “need to know” when it comes to what the hell your dog is doing on a daily basis. If you do, get a freakin’ life for cripes sake.
So how does this woof technology work? The operating system relies on sensors in a headset which then detects electric signals in your dog’s brainwaves. Technology from an in-built processing device then analyzes the signal patterns and decipher them into distinct feelings like, anger, curiosity or tiredness.
According to this article from “Good Morning America” and reporter Liz Fields, (who may be spending waaaay too much time in “fields” watching dogs do weird stuff) sample sentences such as, “I’m hungry, but I don’t like this!” or “I’m curious who that is?” will be programmed into the device and emitted through a loudspeaker.
Oh great. Now we all will not only have to put up with bulls**t from our spouses but from the freakin’ dog as well.
“Bark! Bark! Woof Woof!”
“Dear, turn on the translator and see what the hell Rover wants now.”
“Oh, according to our translator device he wants you to switch from watching “Duck Dynasty” to “Animal Planet.”
“Yeah well….woof, woof, bark bark and grrrrrr Rover.”
“What’d ya tell him honey?”
“I told the little bastard to go f**k off because it’s my TV and I’M the master of this house and if he doesn’t like it, too freakin’ bad.”
“Ohhhhhhhh. So that’s why he’s chewing up your $500 leather jacket.”
Presently the translations from woof, bark and growl only come in English to start with, but Putonghua, French and Spanish language headsets will come later. So if per chance your dog dials a number and, as usual, you always get that prompt that asks you if you want a Spanish speaking option, your dog won’t be able to select that for a few months….providing you have a Spanish speaking dog.
Right now scientists haven’t quite figured out how to attach the sensors into a dog’s brain. Issues like this, as well as the ethical and social concerns, are the reason why there’s a whole lot more research to be done before the technology becomes available.
You know how that goes. Plant a sensor into a dog’s brain and all kinds of animal rights activists will be up in arms, paws and tails about mistreatment of animals. Along with protesting that yet another group, (dogs) might be eligible for Obamacare. Then the next thing ya know, you get a bill from a plastic surgeon for work done on your dog that Obamacare didn’t fully cover.
Now if you’re actually serious about buying one of these headsets because you think your dog might be an NSA or CIA plant and you want to possibly water board it, the headsets are available for a mere $65 for the Micro to $300 for the standard version, or $1,200 for the Superior customizable mini-speaker which comes with an engraved dog tag.
I have no idea why you’d want to pay more than the $65 dollars for the Micro version considering that your dog’s vocabulary might only be a few words at the most. Spend that $1,200 and what the hell are ya gonna get? Your dog singing a rendition of Patti Page’s song of “How Much Is That Doggie In The Window?”
After all, how many songs do ya think a dog can really sing. If any. Unless it’s a dog from somewhere in the Alps and knows how to yodel. Then it might be worth a few extra bucks just to be entertained by a dog that can yodel and bark at the same time. Good party attraction.
BUT WAIT! There’s more. If you order now, we’ll include a certificate for an app which will allow you to not only understand your dog, but for it to understand you!
Not really, but scientists are actually working on that as we speak….or bark.
Can you picture this scenario in your mind.
You’re walking your dog down some busy street and both of you are carrying on a conversation using those headset devices. Your dog says to you, “Hey, I gotta take a leak….wanna wait a sec while I sniff out that fire hydrant over there.”
So, not wanting to appear insensitive to your dog’s feelings, and, wanting to bond with him even more now that you can communicate with him, you join him in that manly activity.
Meanwhile the perv squad comes along, spots the both of you with your legs up peeing on a fire hydrant, and the next thing ya know you’re both sitting in the slammer. Explain that one to them pal.
So ya see, maybe communicating with your dog might not be such a great idea after all. Not to mention that once you and your dog start communicating he’s eventually going to spot you reading magazines and want his own.
Unless scientists, who are also working on a “Pavlovian” training kit to teach a dog classical conditioning, can also work on teaching your dog to walk into a bar and sniff out prospective dates for you instead of you having to do all the work and be subjected to rejection. Then maybe rewarding your dog with a subscription to “Nervous Dog” might be worth it.
Besides, if you sniff out prospective dates in a bar you stand the chance of getting slammed with a purse or bopped over the head with a beer bottle.
But if your dog does the sniffing, he’ll get a , “Ohhhhh, how cute, come here buddy, give me a lick.”
At which point you’ll know, if you have your headset on and the dog is scoping out the territory for you, who you can hit on.
One word of caution however. Until scientists develop a camera technology to go along with the audio portion of the headset Rover is wearing, ya might wanna be a bit cautious.
Otherwise, even though your dog has communicated to you that he’s located a hot babe, she may, in a probability turn out to be a…….dog.
(UPDATE) For my fellow claustrophobics, I DID survive my MRI. Yes. I took that stupid pill the doc gave me, wore a headset that they provided that played oldies music and they even gave me a mirror that fit over my head and allowed me to see everything in the room, including the tech person, rather than looking at the dreaded MRI machine. The only after effects………I had no clue about anything the rest of the day. Um….did I miss anything?
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