Never, Ever Do Any Of These Things In Public. Unless You’re An Idiot.

Be

One of my favorite on-line sites is “iVillage” because they come up with a lot of helpful hints on how to survive in life without being pummeled to death by someone because you’re an idiot.

So far, with their help, I’ve managed to avoid being beaten to a pulp.

So, today, here’s more tips from “iVillage” that might just help you make it through another day….alive.

They’ve come up with a list of things you should not under any circumstances do while out in public. Unless, as I said, you’re an idiot.wtf

Top on the list is clipping your finger and or toenails. Makes sense to me.neverdo1

Who in their right mind would do that in public anyhow? Besides homeless people and the very very late eccentric gazillionaire Howard Hughes who never cut his finger or toe nails in private, let alone in public. Then again, maybe that’s why he never cut them. Possibly, because, as I said, he was eccentric he wanted to cut them in public, and, failing do to so, said, “screw it,” I’m just gonna wait for an opportunity to do that. Jussssssst to freak people out.

Hey….when you’re a gazillionaire you can do whatever the hell you want to do in public. Cutting finger or toenails would NOT be a high priority on MY list however.

OMG! Howard?

OMG! Howard?

Never when in public sing along while you’re listening to music on your headphones. The reason for this is simple. You do that and you implant songs called, “Earworms” into people’s heads which they can’t get rid of the rest of the day and they wind up hating you.

Don’t make people wind up hating you. Subscribe to “Direct TV.” (sorry, just can’t seem to get that freakin’ commercial outta my brain)

mmmm

S**t…now they’re both stuck in MY head

NEVER……I say NEVER pick your nose in public. This especially goes for me, being Italian with a big nose, and some other ethnic groups who I will not offend by naming them.frosty-gets-caught-picking-his-nose

This also freaks people out if you tend to do this near any fast food restaurant or an outdoor cafe. If you find it necessary to pick your nose in public, at least have the decency to not insert your entire hand into your nose when picking. Picking nose etiquette states that only one finger per nostril is the correct way to pick one’s nose.

Never eat a large meal on public transportation. This is a no no because there are no tables with which to eat on and eating off of the floor or your seat is kinda gross. Unless there’s one of those luggage compartments overhead and you can stand on your seat and consume your meal. My guess anyhow.

mmmm

I know what you’re thinking Harold, but, remember the rules, no eating on the bus

Never talk on the phone while you’re at a grocery store checking out. Now this really pisses ME off. Besides being rude to the cashier and the bag boy, it’s rude to the people behind you. This is due to the fact that if you are engaging in phone sex or a torrid conversation, then leave after your groceries are bagged, the rest of us will be left hanging in the lurch. Kinda like one of those “When Harry Met Sally” Ohhhhhhh! moments and not feeling the thrill of completion.

There is also the danger of having a bunch of ballistic shoppers standing in line behind you kicking your ass.phone2

Never floss in public. There are homeless people out there roaming the streets and when you floss in public getting those food particles out of your teeth always remember those homeless people with no food at all ya damn bastard. Waste not, want not.

Jesus

Jesus, forgetting the never floss in public rule, grosses out the Apostles

Spitting is another thing you do not do in public. Unless you’re in China. Perfectly acceptable there. However, if you must spit in public, get yourself one of those German Spitz dogs and blame it when someone gets on your case. If you are by chance married to Eliot Spitzer, you already have a built-in excuse. Runs in the family.

Spitz dog

Spitz dog

Never make a scene in public unless you’re a movie star. It’s perfectly acceptable for the likes of Marilyn Monroe to stand over a grate and let the air blow up her skirt revealing her underwear, but not for the average person.  This is also due to the fact that Marilyn always wore clean underwear while most of us go one or two days without changing them. Not a pretty site if you’re caught standing over an air grate.

Remember your mother’s words. “Make sure you always have clean underwear on….ya never know if you’re going to be in an accident Sonny.”

OMG!

OMG! Her panties say “Tuesday” and today is “Friday.”

The last bit of advice is to never pick a scab while in public. No, this does not apply to anyone on a picket line who observes a strike breaker (scab) crossing that line. This refers to picking a scab from a recent wound.

However, if you happen to be Bruce Willis, who is constantly getting the crap beat outta him in all of those “Die Hard” movies and has all kinds of scabs all over his body I guess we all could cut ya some slack. You’ll notice that at the end of every one of those “Die Hard” movies Bruce appears to resemble one giant scab.

What

What the f**k you lookin’ at pal?

So, I guess HE could get away with all of those other things I just mentioned that you shouldn’t do in public.

Like who the hell is gonna notice ol Bruce clipping his finger and toe nails, listening to music on headphones, picking his nose, eating on public transportation, talking on his cell phone in a grocery store, flossing and spitting, or picking at all of his scabs while making a scene.

Um…WAIT!

Yep…I’m pretty sure we’d notice if Bruce were making a scene and picking his scabs while bleeding all over the place attempting to use his cell phone to dial 911.

Sooooo, just strike those last three things.

Unless he’s in a grocery line checkout and holding up the freakin’ line.

Just sayin.’

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About misfit120

Former disc jockey, (Dick Jones) 30 years, and author of, "I Could Have Been Famous But Sex, Love & Life Got In The Way" available at Amazon.com books, & Kindle, "The Covert Chamber" a mystery novel available at Amazon.com and Barnes & Noble, and "Forgotten" the story of two WWI pilots who were forgotten for over 70 years available on Amazon.com and Kindle
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