Can you all remember back in grade school when that dreaded day came along every year….YES….Valentine’s Day.
Oh sure, those of you who got hundreds of Valentine’s Day cards just loved it.You know who I’m talkin’ about. Yeah….the little blonde girl with the blue eyes and the tall handsome jock with the dark wavy hair. Yeah….ya damn ratfinks.
You were the ones who got all the Valentine’s Day cards while the rest of us didn’t. I’m talking about us short guys who were not jocks and girls with buck teeth and braces. YEAH! We never got Valentine’s Day cards ya damn bastards.
So I, falling into the short category, had to schlep for any Valentine’s Day cards weeks before Valentine’s Day came around. It was kinda like running a political campaign to get elected, only in this case, so that I could get Valentine’s Day cards.
Carry little Sandra Gronowski’s books even though she wore those thick glasses and was pigeon-toed. Opened the door for Sally Ferndork as we entered science class. Shared my SPAM sandwich with Sarah Grinksberg to make some points.
Meanwhile all those Fabio type guys didn’t have to do a damn thing. Just strut their stuff and those Valentine’s Day cards just came flooding in. Damn SOB’s. Do ya think any of them shared their SPAM sandwiches with anybody? NO!
Which is the main reason I was always thin and weighed 95 pounds in junior high school. I kept giving away my SPAM sandwiches. And, back then I hated SPAM. But because I always brought my lunch box back home empty, my parents thought I loved SPAM so they kept giving it to me. Ohhhhh the trauma.
Valentine’s Day, as far as I’m concerned should not be celebrated in elementary or junior high schools. It just breaks too many little innocent hearts. Like mine.
You sit at home the day before Valentine’s Day, write out hundreds of cards so that you can bring them to school and give them to girls you’re really heart throbbing over, and hope you get at least a few back. And then when ya don’t, you’re crushed. Scars you for your whole entire life.
It’s just not fair that all the good-looking guys and girls get Valentines. It’s not fair I tell ya!!!!!
We dorks and nerds need love too ya know. WHAT! Are we chopped liver or something? We have feelings too. Not to degrade chopped liver mind you. If you, or anyone for that matter actually like chopped liver. Maybe that Jewish girl Sandra Grinksberg.
Eventually you do tend to get over that point in your life when you grow out of sending all those Valentine’s Day cards to girls who could give a rats ass about you. Usually after that first big Valentine’s Day rejection in school. But, it does leave you with a chip on your shoulder.
“Ohhhh, hi Misfit. Wanna see the big bag of Valentine’s Day cards I got from all the girls in our class…..seeeeeee…..lots of em……um, how many did you get.?”
“Hey, I don’t need no bag full of Valentine’s Day cards you pissant. Do ya think I’m upset cause I didn’t get any Valentine’s. HAH! Screw you pal. Take your damn bag of Valentine’s cards and stick em up your chocolate hole ya damn asswipe!”
“Geez, ya don’t have to get all bent outta shape cause I got more Valentine’s cards that you for cripes sake. I can’t help it if I’m every girls dream boat.”
“Oh Yeah! Well I saw your father the other day and he’s 350 pounds, bald and has no teeth. So guess what freakin’ kinda dream boat you’re gonna be in 30 years pal. The freakin’ Titanic!”
Which actually proved to be a fact. Which was also my consolation when it came to those girls falling for those Adonis type guys. Hey, ya think I’m kidding. For those of you who can remember when Eddie Fisher dumped Debbie Reynolds for Elizabeth Taylor I offer you this proof.
And years later Liz looked like this……………
And Eddie, who dumped Debbie for Liz looked like this……
And years later, when Mother Nature stepped in…..SHAZAM!!!!
Meanwhile, when Eddie dumped Debbie, she was really hot looking…….
And still is to this day….take that Eddie!!!!!
So ya see, there’s my point proven. So do I feel all traumatized from my school days of never getting ay Valentine’s Day cards? NOPE!
Because I researched little Sandra Gronowski, Sally Ferndork and Sarah Grinksberg through my vast investigative network (the Internet) and discovered photos of them today.
And after seeing photos of them today, all I can say is, “Thank Gawd they never sent me back Valentine’s Day cards and I wound up dating them.”
Just to once again prove my point. Here’s Sandra Gronowski who I panted over in Junior High:
Here’s Sandra today:
As well as giving us a better appreciation for how really great a SPAM sandwich is after all these years.
Happy Valentine’s Day Sandra, Sally, Sarah and Hormel Foods.
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