Men start to go bald and develop the ol pot belly syndrome. Women, for some odd reason don’t go bald, but gravity takes over on certain body parts. I guess God said, “Hey, making women go bald like men would surely piss them off so, um, I’d better do something different..um…how about sagging body parts….yeah that’s it….can’t blame me for that!”
Yes, I know, menopause too. Which is pausing before you have an affair with a man over 50.
But, according to “Bottom Line Publications” there is a way to avoid things that make you look older. Other than death that is. Once that happens there’s no getting around the fact that you’re old. No matter how much plastic surgery you’ve had.
“My my Thelma, doesn’t Grace look absolutely fantastic since she had that plastic surgery last month. You’d never know she was in her 70’s.”
“Yeah Alice. Could have fooled me. I thought she was in her 40’s. But, I gotta agree with ya, lying there dead in her casket she sure looks great.”
So, what are the things that make you look older that you should avoid? Ok, here they are.
1. Older people should NOT wear sneakers outside of the gym.Young people can get away with it but old people can’t. They suggest you wear loafers, driving moccasins for men or, for the women, low-heeled pumps. Definitely no high heels. For men or women. I guess sneakers are out because old people can’t move fast, so screw it, wear something comfortable.
2. NEVER wear baggy pants like those young people do. I didn’t know this fact, but the article points out that for women, your butts tend to flatten with age which causes pants to fit loosely. As to why women’s butts flatten with age I haven’t a clue. Unless it has something to do with sex and the missionary position and living with a spouse that weighs over two hundred pounds. My guess anyhow.
3. Boring colors are another thing that make older people look old. Like black or brown. Which may explain why you tend to see a lot of old people wearing plaid. Which to me, is like screaming out, “Hey! Look at me. I’m a freakin’ old person with no damn taste in clothes.”
Suggestions for clothing colors include contemporary patterns and prints. Colors include gray and navy and any shades of blue. Or just say screw it and never leave the house.
4. Boring glasses and jewelry are another downer. Glasses for men tend to make them look older if they choose the wrong style. Perhaps one of those glasses with the fake nose and eyebrows might be better. Keeps em laughing and takes their mind off how old you really look. Stupid looking and an idiot, but not old.
Women need to wear jewelry, lots of it like earrings, necklaces, rings and multiple bracelets which add to your youthful look. Also attracts younger men who are into mugging older women with lots of jewelry.
5. Turtlenecks work fine for turtles but they draw attention to your jowls. Women should wear a cowl neckline or a loosely draped scarf. Men, an oblong scarf, looped, is a stylish European look that says you look cool, or your into women’s clothing. Either way, it distracts from making you appear old. Just silly looking if it’s 90 degrees outside and you’re wearing a damn scarf.
6. Hair. Now this is my favorite one. The article says that an overly styled helmet of hair looks old-fashioned. Hair that’s a solid block of color looks unnatural and harsh. Short hair with highlights is much better. Like using subtle colors too.
My favorite, because I always say to myself as I’m walking around in a store and spot an older women, say like in her 60’s sporting red, sometimes orange, hair, “Geez….looks sure as hell natural to me.”
7. NEVER…..they say NEVER go out in public if you’re older with deeply tanned skin. Not only does it show your wrinkles more but people may tend to mistake you for George Hamilton and bug you for autographs. And once they discover that you’re not him, beat the livin’ crap outta you.
I personally can’t stop from being tanned due to the Italian olive oil pepperoni oil that is naturally part of my body composition. The sun loves me. So, I just pretend I’m George Hamilton thereby saving those old ladies with tanned skin from being bothered by autograph seekers.
8. Missing or bushy eyebrows. Women’s eyebrows tend to disappear with age. WHY? Who the f**k knows. Maybe from raising them so many times when they hear gossip and the hair falls out. On the other hand of the eyebrow spectrum, mens’ eyebrows grow like marijuana fertilized with cow manure on a hot summer day.
So women should use eyebrow pencils to fill in missing eyebrows. Or, (my idea) tattoo a pair of eyebrows on ya. Men should trim their eyebrows on a regular basis, (are ya listening Sam Watterson?) or, if you’re going bald, simply comb them back over your head.
9. If you have less than white teeth, (or no teeth if you live in Tennessee, Kentucky, or West Virginia) you obviously need to do something about this problem. If your teeth are yellowish, buy some teeth whitening stuff, or white spray paint, to solve that problem.
10. Women, wear nude or beige hose. That way when you water the garden you won’t appear old using one of those green or red garden hoses.
Um….WAIT! I think they mean nylons or something. And older women should never go out with bare legs. Come to think of it, older women should never go out with anything “bare” period.
The reason for that nude or beige Jose…um….hose is because a lot of women have dark veins. Men too I guess. But, men do not wear nylons, so I guess this does not apply for men. Only the part about going outside naked.
11. This one doesn’t apply to men either……..maybe. Wearing a poor fitting bra. Unless you’re a man into wearing women’s clothing. Then, pay attention here. Get a bra that fits. Bra sizes change as your body does. Giving your breasts a lift will make you look younger and trimmer. The rest of you may be falling apart at the seams, but your breasts will look fantastic.
12. The final suggestion…..never wear excess makeup. If you tend to use a thick foundation, heavy eyeliner, bright blusher and red lipstick, they all add years to your face. With the exception being hookers. Gawd knows why hookers use all of that stuff, but even if it DOES add years to their faces, what guy is gonna give a rats ass. Bring it on babyeee.
So there ya have it. Things that make you look older. Another public service presented by yours truly MisfitWisdom and “Botton Line Publications.” Both of us who have just managed to screw up your day by pointing out how freakin’ terrible you look in your baggy pants, red lipstick, orange hair, sagging boobs, no butt and no eyebrows.
And you wonder why your spouse reads Playboy Magazine and ogles other women at WalMart.
Or your wife laughs her ass off watching you comb your eyebrows and ear hair over your bald spot.
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