A Neat Way To Talk To Your Pet. I guess if no one else talks to you.


For the really lonely people out there

Ok, I don’t have a lot of friends. Not because I’m not a nice guy to be around, but because I’m too freakin’ broke all of the time to go out and socialize with anybody….including the  (3) friends that I have. Besides, it’s too damn cold to go out and socialize anyhow. Screw that.

Besides, I have all the friends I need on my Facebook page.


Yep….that’s me…..

But, were I still in the workforce and going out every day, oh sure, I’d be socializing like crazy. But would I be calling my house talking to my pets? I thinkith not. I do enough talking to them when I’m home, so why in the hell would I need to call them and ask them what they’re up to or how their day is going.

And on top of that, what the hell are they gonna say back to me if I did call them? Woof? Meow? WTF!


Ok…you can hang up the phone now

However, for those of you who basically have no social life but get outta the house just so that you won’t go berserk and maybe go to your local bar, casino, or just do some mindless shopping, but wonder what the hell your pet is doing while you’re gone, here’s something to calm you. A new gizmo that allows you to call your pet and say, “Hey pal….what’s up?”

Yes…..it’s called, “PetChatz” and it’s the first “Greet and Tweet” videophone that allows pet owners to interact with their pet from anywhere. Oh joy! My life is now complete.


Hiiiii kitty kitty. It’s Mommie….Ohhhh….don’t you look cute clawing the drapes.

Sooooo, here’s what you can do with “PetChatz.” Besides drive Rover and Fluffy nuts as they attempt to gnaw or scratch at the screen because they think it’s you. Which would then traumatize your dog or cat and eventually lead you to take them to a pet psychiatrist.

You either hang this device with the screen on your wall, preferably at the level where Snoopy  or Garfield can see it, or if you keep your pet in a cage because you’re a damn sadist, hang it up in that cage. Then, get the hell outta the house.


I know Buster, now you can have phone sex with that poodle next door while mommy’s gone

So, once you’re out doing whatever it is the hell you do with your life, and you have this sudden panic attack because you’ve been away from your pet for more than 10 minutes, you can dial your pet using your “Smart Phone,” or via your computer at work.

WAIT! Using your smart phone.” WTF! Um, how do I do that?

Glad you asked. “PetChatz” provides you with a some sort of app that allows you to hear, speak or provide a comforting scent or even give your pet a treat by just using a smart phone or a computer. No mention as to if you can put newspaper down on the floor if you call and your pet has to go to the bathroom. I think they’re working on that.


Will it work for the cat too?

So you’re now asking yourselves, “Oh sure, what the hell is this gonna cost me?”

Well, if you love your pet, what the hell do you care. Money should be no object. Right!

After all, I’d be willing to bet you that most Americans spend more on their pets than on their spouses. Mainly because pets will love you unconditionally, never ask you to buy them expensive gifts, and, unlike your spouse, will lick you 100% of the time. Works for me.


Bastards…..WTF is this…..basic cable with no Animal Planet?

So, if they love you that much, you can’t put a price tag on returning that love by buying this device and showing them just how much you love them. Geez….it’s only a mere $349.

And look what ya get for $349. A camera, so you can see your pet. A microphone, so you can talk to your pet. (make sure you’re alone when you talk to your pet or people are gonna think you’re nuts)

A speaker, so that your pet can hear you….duh. A video record function, which I guess means that you can record all this interaction with your pet. Might come in handy if you talk to your pet from various places, like when you’re at work, and your coworkers report you, they then haul your butt off for being a loony toon, and you eventually have to produce that video to prove you’re not a nut job.

(why did that last line sound like a “Direct TV” commercial?)


You also risk the chance that you’ll discover what your cat really thinks of you

It also comes with a sound and motion detector. Which obviously comes in handy if Lassie or Heathcliff wander away from the screen and you hear the sound of water dripping or your couch being clawed, at which point you can yell out….”NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

And…if you act now….(only kidding). It also comes with a scent dispenser that allows you to, I guess, spray your own scent or whatever, to calm your pet down. How the freak you dispense your own scent its beyond me. And….just exactly what scent of yours would you be dispensing? Unless…..instructions come with that “PetChatz” that says something like:

“When using the “PetChatz” scent dispenser simply dispense your scent in the same manner that your pet does when it marks its territory. “PetChatz” not responsible for injuries incurred while lifting your leg to dispense your scent”

Um, keep in mind that if you attempt this away from home and emulate your pet dispensing their scent, people have video cameras everywhere and you could wind up on “YouTube” with your pants down as the cops arrest your butt. You know how those videos of stupid people go viral in a New York second.

Also ya might wanna keep in mind that once Spot or Morris discover how to use that computer device so you can communicate with them, this could lead to other problems when you’re not at home.



Finally, “PetChatz” comes with a treat dispenser. I’m assuming, because we ARE talking about a video device here folks, that the treats have to be preloaded into the device. Otherwise holding up a treat to the screen isn’t gonna work and you’re just gonna piss off Marmaduke or Felix and come home to find your entire house in shambles.

Never piss off a cat or a dog by showing it a treat and not handing it over. Not a pretty sight.

(“PetChatz” also has a treat level indicator, low treat volume notification, and a treat counter which tracks the number of treats you give your pet. Requirements, besides having a lot of bucks to blow in your checking account can be found on their site)


Gimmie my freakin’ snack you bastard!

So, go on-line and look up “Pet Chatz” and get out your credit cards and place your order post-haste right now!

It’s only available in the United States and Canada presently, so you people in other countries have to just wait till it becomes available there.

Which might be a godsend for you other people who can’t order it right now when ya think about it.

If this pet device takes off….great! Order it when it becomes available.

If it’s not a big hit after millions of Americans and Canadians buy it and the company goes under, hey…you can all brag about how stupid Americans and Canadians were for spending all that money just to talk to their pets.

OR…..if you’re still inclined to buy this device, you can play it safe. Say that you bought it not to communicate with your pet while you’re away from home, but to actually catch your spouse screwing around with your next door neighbor by teaching Rin Tin Tin or Bootsy to immediately come over to the “PetChatz” screen and give you the ol paw sign indication that your other half is screwing around on you.

Which would then require you give them a treat. A biggggggggg treat.


Um…no…but I got some great blackmail pics

Then move out of the house and leave that cheatin” SOB to fend for his or her self, get your own place, and THEN it would make sense to have one of those devices to talk to your pet.

Makes sense to me.

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About misfit120

Former disc jockey, (Dick Jones) 30 years, and author of, "I Could Have Been Famous But Sex, Love & Life Got In The Way" available at Amazon.com books, & Kindle, "The Covert Chamber" a mystery novel available at Amazon.com and Barnes & Noble, and "Forgotten" the story of two WWI pilots who were forgotten for over 70 years available on Amazon.com and Kindle
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