Look you overweight people out there in Internet land. Ah feel your pain. It’s not easy losing weight with all that food out there that you just want to gobble up until you crawl to the sofa and vege out using your lever and pulley systems to actually get on the sofa.
Actually that would work too, but the results would have some good news and some bad news.
The good news is that you’d be really thin in a matter of weeks. The bad news is that you’ll look really great in your casket.
“Oh my Ralph, look how great looking Harvey looks.”
“Martha, he’s dead for cripes sake.”
“Oh yeah, but since he lost all of that weight on that do not eat diet ya gotta admit he still looks great.”
Dieting is no fun. I’ve tried in numerous times and failed. WHY? Not because I don’t have any willpower, but because I live with a woman who wants to devour everything she sees advertised on television with regard to food. Which is why they advertise all that food stuff on TV. To get you to eat it and get fat.
Ever notice that all those chocolate candy ads are always all over the tube at night when you’re sitting around craving chocolate. Bastards.
Anyhow, I decided two weeks ago to go on my own MisfitWisdom designed diet. My other half agreed that we both needed to take off a few pounds so that all of our three cats wouldn’t look at us as a source of food should we drop dead on the living room floor and no one was there to feed them.
That, and I simply refuse to buy any more clothes.
So I was determined to stay on this diet and see if it worked. Again, living with a woman who can inhale a bag of M&M’s in ten seconds flat was not helping me. Nor the fact that each night sitting in front of the tube I had to endure constant whining about how hungry she was and the various food items she could eat at any given moment in ten seconds flat if they were in our cupboard.
It’s not a pretty sight being in the same room with a woman who’s on a diet and wants food!
I convinced her to stock up on bananas and peanut butter as an alternative to her desire to roast a complete cow in our living room.
Now here’s how this MisfitWisdom diet works. BUT…if you are hooked on food and could give a rats ass about losing weight, go scarf down a bag of Doritos or something….cause you will not survive on what I’m eating on a daily basis. AND….I’ve already lost 6 pounds….so take that you “Jenny Craig” and “Weight Watcher” people.
Yes…I could fork out all kinds of bucks for those weight loss programs but I figure losing weight is mind over matter. Matter being food. So why should I pay someone to help me lose weight when I can do it myself. Although I have considered paying my other half to just shut th f**k up and quit whining about how hungry she is.
So here’s my daily diet plan. (not for the faint of heart)
In the morning I strictly eat Kelloggs Special K. The one with the yogurt thingys in them. You can choose your flavor. That and using 2% cow juice (milk) and a cup of coffee with Splenda. Thats it! The way I look at it….food is food…..if I wanna lose weight, I’m looking at food as my worst enemy. So, I’m only gonna eat just enough to carry me thru lunch.
At lunch each and every day I either eat one hard-boiled egg or scramble one egg with a piece of toast buttered with lo cal margarine spread and another cup of coffee, tea or juice. Doesn’t satisfy my craving for eating everything in the cupboard in one sitting, but does satisfy my hunger till around 4pm. At which time I’m frothing at the mouth looking for something to eat.
Do not call me during this time or I’ll tell ya to f**k off. I’m not a happy camper when I’m hungry.
So by 4:30 I really need to eat something before I kill my other half. Now, here’s the one thing I found that works for me…perhaps you as well. If you have the willpower. If you don’t, boy are you screwed when it comes to losing weight. Why? Because you’re talkin’ to a guy, (me) who has a sweet tooth as big as Mount Everest. And if I can do it, so can you. And if you can’t, just go climb Mount Everest and die.
What saved me from wanting to eat everything in sight at supper time was a 23 cent item. (use your Stop & Shop card) YES! Twenty-three freakin’ cents. I discovered this at “Stop & Shop” when I came across the word “spicy” in the soup aisle. Being Italian, spice is part of our inner workings and 90% of what my blood consists of.
It’s called, “Maruchan Instant Lunch.” Yes, it says “lunch” but I eat it for supper. I know I’m breaking the lunch/supper rule here, but I don’t give a f**k.
(Maruchan people, I expect a few bucks for promoting your product….so cough it up)
You simply boil hot water, pour it into the container, cover, let sit for 3 minutes, and Shazam! it’s done. You can opt to eat it with Nabisco saltines crackers if you wish, as I do, and it really is a good and hearty meal that will satisfy you. Unless you are used to eating an entire cow for supper. Then, as I said earlier, you’re basically screwed. Unless they can somehow put an entire cow in a styrofoam cup and make a soup out of it.
Come to think of it, the one I’m eating is “Hot & Spicy Beef.” Does that count as an entire cow or just part of one. Not sure. (other flavors are also available to your liking)
Now, if you like to snack at night, I’ve been doing the following. At around 8 PM I begin to get a craving. But my other half ignores me when I talk about sex. So, I opt for a banana, with peanut butter on it and another cup of coffee.
Now, so as not to depress you entirely, once a week, usually on a Sunday I call “pig out” day. That’s the one day of the week I do not diet. I figure after yelling at the cats, the mailman, the paperboy, and anyone else I come across because I’m so hungry and pissed off, I might as well be nice on one day and enjoy some good food…..without overdoing it of course. This also includes any dessert of your choice. I’m talking food here and not sex ya damn perverts.
So, as I said, in two weeks time I’ve lost 6 pounds and my other half and I, so far, haven’t killed one another. Although I don’t trust her when I’m sleeping so I try to stay awake for as long as possible till she’s asleep.
Give it a shot and if you lose weight, good for you. Send me the money you were going to spend on chocolates and other desserts as a thank you in my donate section. I have no shame.
If you’re too wimpy to try this, or simply do not have any willpower when it comes to food, you’ll probably still look great in your casket but not as thin.
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