It’s Sooooooo Cold That Crazy Things Happen

finger in glove

It’s soooooo cold that instead of flipping you the finger, people in Minnesota are giving each other the mitten. Ba-Da-Boom-Ba-Da-Bing!

Yes folks, it’s one of those “it’s soooooo cold blogs” along with some crazy things that happen only when it’s cold. So, expect more of this nonsense as you read on.

mmm

Another cold weather theory proven

For instance, did you know that alcohol and soda will transform to a slushy almost magically in extreme cold according to “Live Science” and their frozen staff of researchers. And apparently they tried it by taking some soda or an alcoholic beverage out in the snow in a sealed bottle and let it cool for a few hours, then open it up and watch slush form.

Apparently these people at “Live Science” are very bored or like to go out and play in the freezing cold and then have an excuse for pumping frozen alcohol into their bodies to keep warm.

“Freebus, what the hell are you doin? You’re freakin’ stoned outta your damn tree.”

“*Hic…yeah boss, but, *hic, but have I got a great article on what happens to booze when ya take it out in the freezing *hic cold.”

mmmm

Ditto

Yep….here’s another one. “It’s soooooo cold dogs were wearing cats.”

Ok, so you’re still not convinced that it’s really that cold. Here’s another experiment from “Live Science.” How to turn boiling water into snow. WHY! because you’re just as bored as those people at “Live Science.”

So boil some water, go outside and throw that boiling water into the air and SHAZAM!….instant snow. Um….ya might wanna be a bit careful however if the wind is really blowing. Like make sure you’re facing AWAY from the wind you damn idiot. Other wise that boiling water you just turned into snow is gonna come right back at ya. Hence, frozen stupid jerk standing in the snow.

“It’s so cold that words froze in the air and if you wanted to hear what someone was saying you had to grab a handful of sentences and take them in to defrost by the fire.”

“Helllllp….Marvin just threw boiling water in the air and it came back at him.” Oops…tooo late. Took too long to defrost.”

mmm

#!&^%$#! Misfit and his boiling water suggestion

In some areas of the United States the cold weather causes a problem which produces square tires. Yep, your vehicles tires become square. In cold weather the chilly air inside your vehicles tires contracts which decreases air pressure. This pressure loss causes tires to flatten slightly, leaving the side sitting on the asphalt looking like a pancake.

There was no mention as to if pancake syrup would help in defrosting your tires. Or if they would be tasty if that were the case.

mmm

Hmmm….do chickens eat people soup?

“It’s soooooo cold “Playboy Magazine” stopped publishing because no women wanted to take their clothes off.”

MMM

Last known photo of Pamela Anderson during a January Playboy Magazine photo shoot

Now if you’re a wood frog and you’re reading today’s blog about all this cold weather, you’re basically screwed. Why! Because those frogs which are native to northern regions of North America freeze almost completely solid during the coldest months of the winter. Poor bastards.

However the good news is that these frogs can live frozen this way for weeks at a time, until temperatures rise back up above freezing. At this point, their hearts start to beat, they gulp for air, jiggle their legs, and hop away in search of a mate. Providing a mate isn’t still frozen sold as well. In which case, hot frog sex comes into the equation and then all is well in the frog kingdom. Ribbit!

mmmm

Ok baybeeeee

“It’s soooo cold street muggers were calling in sick.”

You know how much fun it is to make bubbles. No, not Bubbles that pole dancer down at the strip club you damn idiot. Bubbles that you make from soap. Well, if you do that outside in the cold weather when temperatures dip to about 9 to 12 degrees Fahrenheit you can make these bubbles freeze. The trick is to blow them up in the air so that they have time to freeze before hitting the ground or another surface. They will form crystalline patterns and some might break, looking a bit like the shell of a cracked egg.

This also applies to Bubbles the pole dance if you take her outside naked as well.

“It’s sooooo cold a flasher ran up to my other half and described himself to her.”

MMMM

Hurry up lady and take a quick look, I’m freezin’ my gonads off here

Now we all know that old theory that if you are stupid enough to stick your tongue to a flagpole it’s gonna stick. Which was proven by a little girl, 12 year-old Maddie Gilmartin of East Kingston, New Hampshire. Who, just figured she’d go outside and stick her tongue to a flagpole to see what would happen. HEY! Doesn’t everybody?

Soooo, guess what!  Yep…her tongue froze to that flagpole.

MMM

Maddie’s dog also was stupid

So her parents, (where the freak were they when she went out to do this) tried to blow warm air on her tongue and then douse it with warm water to get it unstuck. To no avail. DUH!

Step in the paramedics.  They eventually freed her tongue, which was swelled up and could take up to six months to go down, and then slapped her parents silly before they left.

mmm

Never try to catch snowflakes with your tongue when it’s snowing

“It’s sooooo cold no one here in Connecticut ever makes fun of me anymore when I go outside anywhere wrapped up in my “Peanuts” security blanket.” HAH! Laugh at me NOW you SOB’s.

All this cold weather has other implications as well. Like religious leaders of various denominations who are concerned that their flocks were actually liking some of the things they were hearing about Hell.

But

But, on second thought, it’s a lot better than 20 below zero upstairs

And parents encouraging kids to play with matches.

The bad news. Sheep are demanding their wool back.

So, there ya have it my shivering friends. Some tips on what to do and what not to do in the cold weather.

MMM

OK….no more cold jokes then…..

My own remedy for keeping warm is to eat as much hot and spicy food as I possibly can to keep warm……..from the eventual heartburn.

Then sit back and listen to my favorite rock group, “Three Dog Night,” who, in light of the freezing temperatures, have changed their name to “300 Dog Night.”

(For those of you who didn’t get that last joke: Hence the famous story about the origin of the name Three Dog Night. It was a phrase used by aborigines in the Australian outback to describe how cold it could get; a “three dog night” meant a very cold night requiring huddling with three dogs for warmth.)

Sometimes ya have to make these things perfectly clear. Cold affects the brain and I hate to waste a good line.

Just sayin.’

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About misfit120

Former disc jockey, (Dick Jones) 30 years, and author of, "I Could Have Been Famous But Sex, Love & Life Got In The Way" available at Amazon.com books, & Kindle, "The Covert Chamber" a mystery novel available at Amazon.com and Barnes & Noble, and "Forgotten" the story of two WWI pilots who were forgotten for over 70 years available on Amazon.com and Kindle
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4 Responses to It’s Sooooooo Cold That Crazy Things Happen

  1. charlie says:

    That first joke……

  2. Katy says:

    It got down to like 29 here in Houston.

    You could see your breath, which in Houston is the equivalent of having your pee freeze mid-stream, I guess.

    Thank God’s it’s over. I almost had to go buy a jacket.

    • leilani parker & Richard Vittorioso says:

      Well, that’s cold in Houston. Here in Connecticut its been below zero in some places. Sooooooooo cold we can’t pee. : )

      Click here for my daily blog.https://misfit120.wordpress.com

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  3. Pingback: Crazy Things Happen When It Gets Really Cold - Mind Boggling Science | Mind Boggling Science

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