That is besides twerking our butts off. Thanks Miley.
According to “Good Housekeeping,” those people who tell us all how to be a good housekeeper, they’ve listed seven trends that we all should look out for this year. Yes….earth shattering information that will obviously change our lives and make us better housekeepers. Or not.
So, being somewhat of a bad housekeeper, (I leave the good housekeeping stuff to my other half) I figured I’d take a look at what they said would be the hottest new items for 2014. A singing toilet paper roll dispenser was not on their list. Nor was a device to detect which one of my 24 smoke alarms was the one that was beeping.
First on their list was a bunch of items that fall into to “gadget” category, like wearable fitness tools that enable you to keep track of you heart rate, steps, calorie burn, mileage covered and more.
I’m assuming just in case you’re having a heart attack and want to keep track of your heart rate. (not pumping) Your steps, (before you fall to the floor in an attempt to reach the phone to dial 911.) Calories burned so that at least you’ll know how many calories you burned trying to reach the phone, and mileage covered just in case you have the big one out in the woods somewhere.
I would have gone with a mini recorder so that you can dictate your last will and testament with your last gasping breaths before a wild animal eats you. Just out of consideration for your family so they won’t have to go through those long probate court proceedings to find out who gets what of your estate.
They also listed watches. The newest ones that do more than tell time that you can communicate with other people by just talking into your wrist. Like the cops on CSI, Criminal Minds and of course, Dick Tracy. Or, if your nose is running and you are one of those who tend to wipe your snotty nose on your sleeve, and get caught doing it, you can always claim you were talking into your wrist phone.
Appliances will be more high-tech as well. Washing machines with built-in high-tech support.
“Beep…..this is your high-tech washing machine. Stop putting bleach in with the colored clothes you freakin’ idiot.”
And even light bulbs that you can control via an app. Why anyone would want to control a light bulb with an app is beyond me. The way I look at it, switch on, switch off. How damn simple is that? Do I need an app for that!
Ok, now here’s one that I always thought needed improvement. The old-fashioned broom. Unfortunately no one has come up with a way to make the broom more efficient. Except for those “Swiffer” brainiacs. But, to me, you just can’t beat a run of the mill broom. Ever try to use a Swiffer to clean snow off your vehicle? Or sweep up leaves on your sidewalk. AND…..how many times have ya seen a witch on Halloween flying on a Swiffer for cripes sake.
Supposedly yoga pants are gonna replace jeans. Oh great! It’s bad enough we all have to endure the sight of some old guy, or woman, who weighs 300 pounds wearing speedos, now we gotta be on the lookout for more and more of them wearing yoga sweat pants. OMFG!
Ya know why they call them sweat pants? Because ya sweat in them!!!! So like, do I really wanna see a bunch of fat people in sweat pants sweating from all those unmentionable places? Aghhhhhhhh!!!
For you food junkies, good news. Grains are the in thing this year. Yep, now you all can emulate cows eating from a trough. HEY! If you’re gonna wear those sweaty sweat pants might as well go full hog, so to speak, and join Bossie.
“Quiona,” was the big item for you health conscious people this year. What is Quiona?
Quinoa (// or //, Spanish: quinua, from Quechua: kinwa), a species of goosefoot (Chenopodium), is a grain crop grown primarily for its edible seeds. It is a pseudocereal rather than a true cereal, as it is not a member of the true grass family. As a chenopod, quinoa is closely related to species such as beetroots, spinach and tumbleweeds.(Wikipedia)
Yummmm……goosefoot. Puleeeese! Gag me with an artichoke.
And lest we forget what else to tempt our taste buds. Like kamut, spelt and amaranth which are supposed to be grains that contain high protein. They all sound like words you’d hear watching an episode of “Hogan’s Heroes.”
“Yah….das kamut spelt ind der amaranth and iss kaput!”
“Um, sorry Sgt. Schultz. I don’t understand German. What does that mean in English?”
“Oh yah……it means der food in dis camp sucks enough to make you wanna barf, but, get over it, iss all you gonna get”
And finally, as if your taste buds weren’t tempted enough as it is, expect more of “Omega-3-Rich Fish.” Which are fish, like yummy sardines, anchovies and holy mackerel popping up in recipes.
As it is now I gag when my other half goes to a CVS and buys a bottle of Fish Oil capsules. All I can think of is a bunch of underpaid workers in Bangladesh spending their hours squeezing the oil out of fish. Then another set of workers inserting little drops of that stuff into those capsules. Bet they have a huge feral cat problem over there.
Now if this is all of the stuff that Good Housekeeping says is some of the hottest trends for 2014, all I can say is, “Beam Me Up Scotty.”
This also reinforces my theory as to why I do not subscribe to Good Housekeeping magazine.
That and the fact that I only subscribe to magazines that have centerfolds in them.
Which to me, is all the brain food I need.
And sure as hell is good for my testosterone levels too.
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