Christmas 2013 – Twas The Night Before Christmas

Twas The Night Before Christmas……MisfitWisdom Style.


Works for me………..

(A reprise from past years….The “MisfitWisdom” version of  “Twas The Night Before Christmas”)


How Rudolph really got the job of leading Santa’s sleigh

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house,

Not a creature was stirring, just that stinkin’ mouse.

The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,

So I wore my wife’s pantyhose, hell, she didn’t care.


The cats were all nestled all snug in their cat beds,

While visions of cat snacks danced in their heads.


Well, I assumed they were in their cat beds

And my companion in her muu- muu, and I in my thermal shorts,

Had just cracked open a bottle for a few well deserved snorts.


Santa had a few as well….

When out in the driveway, there arose such a clatter,

I sprang from my chair to see what the heck was the matter.

Away from the window I flew like a flash,

Rolled up the blinds and tripped over a cat.


The moon on my truck reflected a new fallen snow,

More shoveling I thought, boy this sure blows.

When, what to my bloodshot eyes should appear,

But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer.



With some old guy driving, so lively and quick,

I knew in a moment, or after a few minutes, it must be St. Nick.


Welllll…..tis the season…….

More rapid than a Dodge Ram Hemi, his coursers they came,

And he whistled, and shouted and called them a few names.


Um…no….no….not the names he called the Wesleys….his deer…his deer….

“Now Flasher! now, Pole Dancer! now, Pouncer and, (heh heh) Vixen!

On Vomit! (oops, too much whiskey) On, Stupid! on, Donner (Trump) and Wolf Blitzen!

To the top of the porch! To the top of the wall!

Now dash away! Dash away! And don’t freakin’ fall!”


Now WTF do we do guys?

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,

When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky,

(who talks like that anyhow?)


Oops, meant to write Santa about those…DAMN!

So up to the house-top the coursers they flew,

With a sleigh full of toys, and that old guy too.

And then in a twinkling, I heard on the roof,

The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.


As I drew in my bald head, and was turning around,

Down the chimney he came, hit the floor, and bounced all around.

He was dressed in all denim, from his head to his socks,

And his clothes were all filthy, from landing in the cat box.xmas34

A bundle of toys he held closed with one thumb,

He looked like a burglar, geez, should I call nine one one?

His eyes how they squinted, his dimples, how tacky,

His cheeks were like crimson, his nose kinda wacky.

His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,

And the beard of his chin was as yellow from a stray dog peeing in the snow.xmas17

The stump of a pipe, (smoking weed type) he held tight in his teeth,

And the smoke it encircled, my cats like a wreath.

He had a broad face and a little round belly,

That shook when he laughed, and he was also kinda smelly. (fireplace residue)santa10

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,

And I laughed when I saw him, overweight like myself.

A wink of his eye, and a twist of his head,

Soon gave me to know, there’d be coal in my stocking, for forgetting to make the bed.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,

(after a short bathroom break)


Santa, after all, IS a senior ya know….

And filled all the stockings, then called me a jerk.

And laying his finger aside of his nose,

He knew I was Italian by the size of “MY” nose.

He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,

And away they all flew, all of them high, on some really good thistle.xmas30

But I heard him exclaim, as he drove out of sight,

“Happy Christmas to all, except Misfit, and a merry goodnight.”

(my apologies to Clement Clarke Moore)

Now where the hell is that stinkin’ mouse?


Like….”Havvvvve yourself a Merry F***king Christmas………in the spirit of the season of course.

Copyright 2010, 2011, 2012, 2013 MisfitWisdom RLV…….. Ho Ho Ho


Like Santa just said…Ho Ho Ho…..

(No “donation” link today. It’s Christmas Eve. You’re probably all  broke from gift buying so I thought I’d give ya a break…..Merry Christmas)merry1

About misfit120

Former disc jockey, (Dick Jones) 30 years, and author of, "I Could Have Been Famous But Sex, Love & Life Got In The Way" available at books, & Kindle, "The Covert Chamber" a mystery novel available at and Barnes & Noble, and "Forgotten" the story of two WWI pilots who were forgotten for over 70 years available on and Kindle
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