Xmas Gifts I Do NOT Want….Unless You Have A Death Wish.


Not to mention what I sold on eBay

This, of course, is the time of the year when everyone’s scrambling around trying to find the perfect gift for someone.

OMG! What do I get uncle Harry for Christmas. The freakin’ guy has just about everything. A customized flannel covered electric chair for those really cold nights. A spaghetti strainer made out of a skull from one of Hannibal Lector’s victims. A custom-made Monopoly game where you pass “GO” and collect $200 every other space. And one of those giant fingers you see at sports games that people hold up indicating that their team is number one. But one that he got from his proctologist last Christmas that’s made out of really strong latex so that he can perform his own prostate exams at home.


Yep, same kinda finger….minus the tiger

Geez….is there anything out there this year that we can get him that he already doesn’t have…..and is quite unusual?

Hold on folks. Here are some great ideas from “The Daily Ticker” and reporter Rick Newman. (no relation to Paul or Alfred E.)

How about a “Star Trek” captain’s chair that sells for a mere $6,500. Hell, if your uncle is so waaaaay out there anyhow, seems like the perfect gift to me.

Or, a monogrammed meat brander for $40 bucks.

Why in the hell I’d wanna brand my freakin’ meat, (the kind you eat ya damn pervets) is beyond me. HEY! If I’m gonna eat it what the hell do I care if it’s branded or not. WHAT! Someone gonna come into my house in the dead of night and rustle all of my dead meat or somethin’? Besides, I have an autographed picture of Wyatt Earp on my fridge warning anyone caught rustling meat will be shot.


It was shortly thereafter that Herman discovered a new term. “Corn up your cob.”

Heyyyyyyyy! How about a customized Instagram calendar, just $40. Personally I have no freakin’ idea what that does, nor do I give a rats ass. Why! Because I’ve already got a gazillion 2014 calendars from all of the people who suck money outta me all year-long. The oil company, electric company, my paperboy, (he makes more than I do so he has his own calendar line) and besides all those, the ones that I ripped off from various banks and stores.

Here’s another one for ya. For just a measly $100 you can have the “Bluetooth-enabled Hapifork.” It monitors your eating habits to help you from gorging yourself on food. It’s similar to having your spouse or girlfriend to tell you to stop stuffing your face. The only difference is that it doesn’t call you a damn a**hole for stuffing your face. Although I suspect that may be an additional option.


WAIT! We forgot the box with the Swiffer in it.

Then there are “Smart Balls.” No….Smart Balls are not balls that men can attach to their present set of balls that warn you if you are about to have sex with some ugly bimbo when you’re drunk and stops you before it’s too late. (sometimes you just have to make these things perfectly clear)  Smart Balls is a smart basketball that sends data to the basketball hoop then straight to your smart phone so that you can learn why you suck at basketball.

Most likely because when you’re shooting for that hoop with your smart ball your smart phone rings to tell you that you suck and causes you to miss the hoop. Then calls you a smart ass and hangs up. My guess anyhow.

Here’s my all time favorite. “Dog Disguises.” YES! Disguise the “dog of a date” that you got stuck with when you answered that blind date ad.

Um, no, sorry, got that wrong. Dog Disguises are various disguises that you can put on your dogs face. Why! Who the f**k knows? Maybe because you’re an idiot and for $35 are willing to spend money to disguise your damn dog just for the hell of it.


Um…which end do I pet?

Or you just don’t care where your dog poops, like on your neighbor’s lawn, and you want to fit him up with a disguise just in case the neighbor accuses your dog of messing up his lawn. Might want to see if you can get a two for one deal on that too. Hell, if you’re gonna go through all that effort to buy your damn dog a disguise for $35 bucks might as well get one for yourself as well.



Other Christmas ideas include a solar-powered keyboard for $48 dollars. (do not buy this if you live in Alaska where parts of that state have verrrrry long nights)

Or, scratch n sniff jeans for $150. Now I know what you’re thinking. Why would any idiot want a pair of scratch n sniff jeans.

Hey…simple! If you’re stupid enough to buy your dog a disguise, then you obviously are very close to your dog, relationship wise that is, and if he’s out their sniffing other dogs’ butts, maybe you’ll think by wearing these scratch n sniff jeans females will be doing the same to you.

HEY! What other freakin’ reason could there be for scratch n sniff jeans for cripes sake!!!!


Hey, if it works for dogs…….

Finally, (thank gawd) the ultimate in one of a kind gifts for that special person in your life. “Caviar Skin Cream” for only $150. Again, why anyone in their right mind would want to smear fish eggs all over their body is mind-boggling.

Then again, being relatively poor and only being able to afford smearing a melted Butterfinger candy bar all over my body when I get into a kinky mood, I’m just naturally assuming rich people opt for smearing caviar all over their bodies instead.

Closest I could come to that so that I could come across as being rich if I were lucky enough to get invited to a party with a bunch of wealthy people, would be to go to my local fish market, buy a few pounds of mackerel, smear it all over my body, and hope some babe hits on me thinking its caviar.

Might work just as long as there are no cats at that party.


Oh yeah, it’s my new skin cream. Eu de striped bass

In conclusion. If any of you demented people even think of sending me any of this stuff I will hunt you down and kill you. Using my gift from last year. A bow and arrow set that connects to my computers USB port.

Unless you give me a case of those Butterfinger candy bars I mentioned that I love to smear the chocolate from all over my body…..and..um…..is also my other half’s favorite……


Be right there dear…..

HEY! Same effect as caviar but only $1.09 a bar. Take THAT “Daily Ticker!”

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About misfit120

Former disc jockey, (Dick Jones) 30 years, and author of, "I Could Have Been Famous But Sex, Love & Life Got In The Way" available at Amazon.com books, & Kindle, "The Covert Chamber" a mystery novel available at Amazon.com and Barnes & Noble, and "Forgotten" the story of two WWI pilots who were forgotten for over 70 years available on Amazon.com and Kindle
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