Q: What’s the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
Then just as we start to say to ourselves, “Hey, maybe they ARE getting a bad rap.” Shazam! Along comes a Perry Mason wannabe and screws it up so that once again lawyers are back in the pits.
Point: In Houston, Texas this past week a 16 year-old North Texas teenager from a wealthy family literally got off the hook after being initially charged in the deaths of four pedestrians while driving drunk. Instead of prison time the trial judge gave him 10 years of probation.
Based on what you ask? The fact that he suffers from of “affluenza.” Yes folks, affluneza.
If you said “Gesundheit” forget it. It’s not like influenza but more along the lines of stupidfluenza. Which is when you make up a condition and a word to go along with that affliction and then sell it to the judge while laughing your ass off inside but having a poker face while presenting the defense for your (wealthy) client.
The word, “affluenza” has been used before to describe a condition in which children, generally from richer families, have a sense of entitlement, are irresponsible, make excuses for poor behavior, and sometimes dabble in drugs and alcohol says Dr. Gary Buffone, a Jacksonville, Florida psychologist who does family wealth advising. (source AP)
So basically what the kids’ defense team said was, that because he came from a wealthy family he obviously suffers from affluenza. Which logically means that because his parents were wealthy he gets to get a pass on this one. Logic? NOT!
BECAUSE, he really can’t tell the difference between right and wrong because his parents were always there to bail him out of any mess he may have got himself into. Yep, affluenza.
Soooooo, if that’s the case, then obviously he should only get a slap on the wrist with probation, just like, say, a poor white kid or a poor black or poor Latino kid who did the same thing. Which, as one CNN guest attorney said, then would be called, “povertitus.”
YES! “Povertitus.” You know. A lot of us suffer from that. Which of course is the opposite of affluenza. Meaning we came from dirt poor families who spent a lot of time with us teaching us right from wrong and instead of bailing us out when we got our butts in a bind, let us pay the price for our actions. Hence, povertitus.
Many kids today suffering from povertitus are sitting in the hoosegow. Unlike kids suffering from affluenza who most likely are playing tennis somewhere or socializing at some country club their parents belong to.
So, basically if you do something wrong, and you’re from a wealthy family, and you have a really good attorney who can make up words that will convince a judge that you have a condition that you’re not responsible for, you’re off the hook.
Like say you’re a shop lifter and get caught. Then, I would assume, that your defense would be that you suffer from “nakedtitus.” Which obviously is the fear of being naked. So, if you ripped off some clothes from a store, you can’t be held responsible for your actions. After all, nobody wants to walk around naked.
OR, from the book “Unexplained Sniglets of The Universe” by Rich Hall, how about these terms which could be used in a court of law by any attorney to get his client a lesser sentence or no sentence at all.
You’re being charged with running a red light by cutting through a gas station lot. Obviously you suffer from, “”Essoasso.” Or, “Exxontinitus.”
You steal a car by making duplicate keys, so your attorney says that you suffer from, “keylonius.”
You’re visiting a friend’s house, use their bathroom, and have an uncontrollable urge to peek into the medicine cabinet, and you get caught, and your friend brings charges against you for invasion of privacy. You suffer from, “medipeep.”
You’re in a J. C. Penny store and head to the dressing room to try on something, notice a woman in one of those cubicles undressing, sneak a peek because the curtain isn’t closed all of the way, and security nails your butt. Your defense would be that you can’t be held responsible for your actions due to the curtain not being closed all of the way, which is known as, “peepola.”
And you’re driving down a country road and come across a stop sign in the middle of nowhere that no one ever pays attention to anyhow, so you drive through it, get pulled over, and then go to court and have to pay a fine. Your defense should be a case of, “stoptional.”
Ya might wanna pray that you’re just lucky enough to get an attorney that’s smart enough come up with a novel defense.
So ya see, in any court of law you can always come up with a new affliction that might get you a free pass. Worked for that rich kid didn’t it. So why not give it a try.
And seeing that we are now just a week or so away from Christmas, why not carry this new affliction thing a step further. HEY! If it works for attorneys, why not for us as well.
Say like you just do not want to celebrate the Christmas season, hate buying gifts, visiting relatives, and partaking in all of the holiday festivities. BUT….you just haven’t come up with anything that will get you outta doing all that stuff.
When all of your friends ask you why you’re not in the Christmas spirit…just tell them you suffer from a severe case of “Claustrophobia.”
Fear of Santa Claus.
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