Yes, earth shattering news from Canada and the North Pole.
Canada plans to make a claim to the North Pole in an effort to assert its sovereignty over that area according to reliable sources at the North Pole. Namely elves who were able to tap into Canada’s cell phone records and pick up on this dastardly plan to take over the North Pole and perhaps Santa’s headquarters as well.
Who knows for sure what those sneaky Canadians have up their sleeves…..or parkas. Eh?
Actually Canada wants to claim the north Pole because of many resources that are available up there. Like toys.
Canada’s foreign affairs minister, (has nothing to do with affairs with foreign women) said the government has asked scientists to work on a future submission to the United Nations claiming that the outer limits of the country’s continental shelf include the North Pole.
There was no mention as to if the Canadians just want the North Pole itself, you know, that one that is striped and marks the exact location of the North Pole territory. But I’m pretty sure it’s the entire North Pole area.
Presently no one actually owns the North Pole. Which seems kinda strange considering Santa Claus has been living there for eons. You’d think he would have filed a claim years ago.
So what could all this mean in the scope of things?
Canadians could first of all insist that if Santa Claus is going to live on territory claimed by Canada that he replace the actual North Pole, (the physical wooded one) with a Canadian flag or pole and learn to speak French.
And, instead of those reindeer that guide his sleigh every year, replace them with Canadian geese. As we all already know, Canadian geese have been snooping around here in the U.S. for some time. Perhaps on a scouting mission precluding their takeover of reindeer duties.
Which would ultimately mean that Santa’s reindeer would be out of jobs, including Rudolph. And instead of reindeer hoofs on our roofs on Christmas Eve we’d be hearing the flapping of wings. And reindeer making Canadian noises…..like, “Eh.”
Next thing ya know Queen Elizabeth will be insisting she ride in the sleigh with Santa. Or, worse, Prince Charles.
Um, well maybe not Prince Charles. His big ears might slow down Santa’s sleigh by causing a wind drag. Ya never know.
Now I’m a bit concerned about Canada taking advantage of all the toys, one of those resources they’ve been talking about, and opening Canadian Christmas stores rather than have Santa deliver them.
Here’s what foreign affairs minister John Baird said: “We are determined to ensure that all Canadians benefit from the tremendous resources that are to be found in Canada’s far north.”
HEY! Ain’t it perfectly clear what he means for cripes sake!
“Tremendous resources.” Yes….TOYS! What the hell else is up there in the frozen North Pole tundra that anyone else would have any interest in? Ice? Polar bears? Penguins?
NO! Toys I tell ya. TOYS!
It’s time we here in the United States took immediate action. Write your congressmen, those people in Washington that have nothing better to do anyway, and ask them to look into this diabolical Canadian plan to take over the North Pole. Do it before its waaaay too late. Christmas is only a few weeks away. Those Canadians take over and before ya know it Santa and his reindeer will be forced out, living on Social Security and Medicare. Or worse, Obamacare. Then what?
I’ll tell ya what. We’ll all get tiny little Canadian geese snow globes adorned with Canada’s flag for Christmas presents. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. Don’t come crying to me when geese poop is all over your roof.
Or you have to sing, “You better watch out, your better not cry, your better not pout, I’m telling you why, Queen Elizabeth and Prince Charles are comin’ to town.”
OR…..”Marvin The Long Beaked Canadian Goose.” (in place of Rudolph)
OR….. Instead of “Dominick The Donkey,” “Pierre The Donkey.”
OR….because Canadians favorite sport is hockey, they replace Santa himself with some guy who’s always calling people, “hockey pucks.”
OR…..Instead of a reindeer being booked on DWI charges for running over some old lady, “Grandma Got Run Over By A Canadian Goose.”
OR…. Instead of “Feliz Navidad,” “J’espÃ¨re que vous avez un Joyeux NoÃ«l”
OR… The “Christmas Song” with Theodore, Simon and Alvin replaced by three Canadian geese named, Andre, Tussant and Sylvestre.
And finally, “Santa Claus Is Coming To Town.” Yes…you know what those Canadians would change it to, “Santa Claus Is Coming To Toronto.'”
Um….maybe not. You know that damn Mayor Rob Ford would screw it all up for those Canadians by showing up drunk and cussing while singing that song. Not to mention knocking over some old lady.
Sooooo ma’am, are ya ok?
Take heed Americans. Act now. Stop this mad scheme by Canadians to take over the North Pole and Santa’s headquarters.
Otherwise our cherished tradition of Santa, the reindeer, and the North Pole will be gone forever.
Don’t let them there Canadians steal the North Pole and Christmas. Lets stick to our guns, or candy canes, and stand up for the right to say, “Merry Christmas.” Rather than, “Joyeux Noel.”
HEY! Ya don’t hear any of us Americans screwing “Merry Christmas” up by spelling it “Merrx Christmax” do ya?’
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