Smart Phones. Smart Cars. And Now…..A Smart Bra.

uu

I resemble that remark……

Doesn’t anybody make stupid things anymore? Why does everything today have to be “smart.”

I was pretty much satisfied with having a bunch of things that were stupid. Made me feel like I was really smart when I bought my pet rock some years ago. It was stupid, I didn’t have to plug it in or read any assembly directions, and it just sat there and looked stupid.

Chapter 1:

Chapter 1: Set on table. The end.

Now I have to contend with things that are way smarter than me. Which, to some extent is ok with me. Like GPS systems, because, not that I’m too stupid to read an actual map, but because I’m too freakin’ lazy to read an actual map.

And smartphones. Well, I’m not at the point where I want to scrap my old dinosaur cell phone for a smart one. It rings, I answer it, and then when I’m finished I hang up. Smart enough for a phone as far as I’m concerned. Plus, I don’t want it to be so smart it dials numbers for me like my friend Bobby’s phone does.

I call it “butt dialing” because at least once a week he calls me, or, rather his butt calls me when he sits down on his sofa with his smart phone in his pocket.

m

Meowouch……………

It goes something like this.

“(RING)

“Hello……hello……hello?”

“Pfaaaaart…..bark, bark, bark, Bob! Get off the damn couch and go out and chop some firewood for cripes sake…bark, bark bark.”

So, knowing I just received a “butt call” (because obviously I’m getting no response from Bob and the damn dogs are barking and his other half is barking at him as well) I hang up. AND…..if I call him back he has no clue.

“Hey Bob, did you just call me?”

“Um….no, why?”

“Neverrrrr mind.” (click)butt dialing

So what does all this smart stuff bring us to? Yep, yet another smart invention by a bunch of smart ass inventors to make our lives even more complicated. This time it’s a, get ready for this folks, a “smart bra.”

First of all, WTF does a smart bra do and why would any woman want one? Secondly, do I really wanna know? And thirdly, is this bra some sort of defense against men attempting to get into women’s bras?

If it’s that last one, I’m making sure my other half sticks to stupid bras.

Hmmmm.

Microsoft’s image of their “smart bra.” 

So what is this “smart bra” supposed to accomplish other than what a “stupid bra” does not. Which is simply to hold up a pair of boobs. Which is stupid enough for me as far as I’m concerned.

Well, researchers, (those guys who spend waaaay too many hours alone in a lab) along with “Microsoft” have come up with a bra that is supposed to stop women from bingeing on food when they become stressed. It’s fitted with sensors that monitor real-time bio-signals such as heart rate and respiration, which are key emotional signs that Microsoft has identified prior to an emotional binge, at which time the bra will intervene.

Hmmm. “Intervene?”

A bra is gonna stop you from bingeing out on food?  And it’s made by Microsoft? WTF is it gonna do? Crash like when your Windows 8 system does? Or have “pop-up” advertisements appear on your bra cups alerting you that you’re about to binge? After all, it IS made by Microsoft.

AND…..when ya think about it, the last part of  “Microsoft” is the word “soft,” And, as we all know, boobs are soft, so it is kinda fitting they’re into creating a new bra. Makes sense to me.

Anyhow, according to those researchers, this is how it works. When you’re stressed out your “smart bra” senses that you’re totally freaked out, (excluding being groped by some pervert) and it streams the data via Bluetooth to a mobile phone, alerting the wearer that the chance of stress-related eating is about to occur.

Cripes!

Cripes! What happened kid? Geez mister, all I know is that this perv groped some woman’s bra and got zapped!

I’m assuming that mobile phone would be calling the person who is wearing the bra. Otherwise I see a problem here Houston.

“Hey Ralph. I just got a call from a bra stating that some woman is about to go to McDonald’s and binge out on three Big Macs….what should  I do?”

“Oh yeah, I head about that Marvin. That’s one of them smart bras that’s supposed to alert women when they’re about to OD on fast food and stuff. Her smart bra bluetooth must be f***ked up and we got the call instead.”

“So what should I do Ralph?”

“Um, call her back and tell her that her smart bra is stupid and it called “Jiffy-Lube”. Um, while you’re at it, tell her we have a special just in case she wants a lube job.”

another

Another great service from “Jiffy Lube.”

Some participants in the “smart bra” study say that it did make them aware that they were about to binge out. I guess those tiny sensors went off as they headed for the fridge. So it either made them stop and realize that they shouldn’t be eating, or, they got extremely horny from those sensors going off, and said “screw the food,” and jumped their partners. Which, when you think about it, can also make you lose a few calories.

Hmmm…..this smart bra idea might not be a bad thing after all guys.

So far Microsoft says that the only draw back was that the prototype was limited because its batteries only lasted for four hours at a time. My thinking…..time to call in the “Energizer Bunny.”

Um

Um, then again there’s always Duracell

As if this smart bra stuff wasn’t enough to blow your mind, a Japanese toy manufacturer is reporting strong sales after releasing a series of underwear for mobile phones. The snug rubber items fit over the base of a mobile phone, protecting the on switch from accidental pressings. (no more butt-dialings Bobby)

They claim that the snug rubber makes the phone look less naked and yet somehow more sexual at the same time.

Gawd…..condoms for cell phones.

Which leads me to think. Why the *f**k do I need a sexual looking phone? Or have my other half wear a bra with sensors on it connected to Microsoft? Or a damn bluetooth. Or a couple of guys at Jiffy Lube.

Nope. Waaay too much smart stuff out there as far as I’m concerned. I don’t want any piece of technology to be smarter than me. Especially when it comes to having it strapped to my body….or my other half’s body.

mmm

Ok Doc, but can ya do anything about this Barry Manilow song I have stuck in my head?

Then again, if the Japanese or Microsoft can develop a sensor that alerts a woman that it’s been over 24 hours since their spouses have had sex, that one I might sign on to.

Once its perfected and it doesn’t accidentally dial Jiffy Lube or my pal Bobby.

Just sayin.’

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About misfit120

Former disc jockey, (Dick Jones) 30 years, and author of, "I Could Have Been Famous But Sex, Love & Life Got In The Way" available at Amazon.com books, & Kindle, "The Covert Chamber" a mystery novel available at Amazon.com and Barnes & Noble, and "Forgotten" the story of two WWI pilots who were forgotten for over 70 years available on Amazon.com and Kindle
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