How To Tell If You Do Not Have A Life


One way to tell if you don’t have a life is to be freaked out about this

It’s come to my attention that way too much is coming to my attention. Much more than I really need to have come to my attention. Which is overwhelming considering I have enough things going on in my life without having to concern myself with other things that are coming to my attention that I shouldn’t be worrying about.

Like how is it some people do not have lives. Which can be determined by what they think is earth shattering and deserves immediate attention otherwise the world will end as we know it.

Case in point. Step forward California child and family psychologist nerd Allen Kanner, who is also co-founder of the Boston-based “Campaign for a Commercial Free Childhood” who is all up in arms and legs and all other body parts about “NORAD” (North American Aerospace Defense Command) because this year NORAD’s Christmas video has fighter jets escorting Santa Claus as he makes his rounds.

(Shouldn’t NORAD be NAADC? Just thinkin’)


Why NORAD escorts Santa

Mr. Kanner says, The Pentagon is “completely out of line” for linking Christmas with the military. “Children associate Santa with gifts and fun and everything else that is positive about Christmas. They are associating this with the military in children’s minds.”


Obviously a bunch of militaristic grinches

OMG!!! OMG!!! Santa is a member of the U. S. Air Force!!! Which is what little children may be thinking if they see that video. Or…the NORAD video that shows military personnel preparing for a test flight with intelligence officers asserting that “intel can confirm that Jack Frost and the Abominable Snowman will not be a threat.”

OMG!  Jack Freakin’ Frost and that nogoodnik Abominable Snowman could be a threat this year!!! Holy crap Keebler elves. (Keebler elves work for Santa during the holiday season)


Keebler elf Ernie has a rude awakening

So let me see if I understand this correctly. Mr. Kanner thinks that if little children see Santa being escorted by fighter jets they will forever be traumatized and think that Santa is some sort of commando for the government and possibly when he comes down the chimney might attempt to enlist them into the armed forces.

Or worse, maybe encourage them to sign a membership application for the NRA (National Rifle Association) if they want that toy gun to play with. You know, the one that shoots deadly paint balls.norad3

But Kanner is not alone in recognizing this dastardly plan by the government to militarize little children. Amy Hagopian, a (you guessed it) professor of public health at the University of Washington said, “I think people are quite aware of the military’s true mission.”

Which we all know is to get little kiddies to sign up for military duty at a very young age by associating Santa Claus with the military. My guess anyhow.


Yet another reason Santa needs NORAD and those fighter jets Ms. Hagopian

She goes on to say, “If the military wants to keep its ranks stocked, it needs to appeal to children. The military knows it can’t appeal to adults to volunteer. It is like the ad industry.”

SEE… is a ploy to recruit little kiddies. Bastards. Freakin’ NORAD.

Um, WAIT! Hasn’t NORAD been having fighter jets escorting Santa Claus since the 1960’s?


Yep….since the 1960’s. Sooooo, what is the problem in 2013 pray tell?

Ohhhhh, I see what the problem is. It’s an “animated” version of NORAD and those fighter jets tracking Santa. Unlike the REAL videos of NORAD tracking Santa. In other words, rather than a REAL video it’s now in cartoon form. Why those sneaky sons of ………..WAIT!

It’s ok to have a real video of fighter jets tracking Santa because only adults would have freaked out at that, but if they now have switched to a cartoon version of that it will now freak out little kiddies?


Even on the ground NORAD protects Santa

Unlike the gazillion video games that Santa and his reindeer will deliver to little kiddies that will NOT freak them out.

Like some of the violent video games delivered to Johnny and Jane under the tree in past years such as, “Manhunt” with some innocent brain impaling scenes; “Soldier of Fortune” with all kinds of limbs being blown off; “Postal 2” which uses dead cats and cow heads; and my favorite kids video game, “Carmageddon” which show cars ramming innocent pedestrians with streaming pieces of bloody flesh all over the place. (filmed at a Wal-Mart on Black Friday)

Yep….but what are we gonna worry about corrupting little kiddies. Fighter jets escorting Santa and his reindeer by NORAD.

WHY! Because as Amy said, “It can’t appeal to adults to volunteer.” Soooo, when a little kid sees NORAD and fighter jets, SHAZAM! they’re all gonna run out on December 26th and enlist. How neat is THAT!

In deference to not wanting to run down pedestrians, blow up cows, cats and other human body parts, which, as we all know is innocent stuff compared to Santa being escorted by fighter jets.

Gawd…I can only think back to my own childhood when I got my first G.I. Joe for Christmas.I was only 8-years-old. Sob.

I immediately went out and attempted to enlist in the U.S. Army. They rejected me because I was too short.


Hmmmmm….do I wanna be Superman or G.I. Joe? Obviously both bad influences on kids….like fighter jets and Santa Claus

THEN….when I got my first Mr. Potato Head I was immediately under the assumption that I could change my gender from male to female because of those interchangeable body parts. Damn you Hasbro.


My interchangeable other part that is

So, I guess Allen Kanner and Amy Hagopian may have a valid point after all. (sigh)

Best you not let your little children tap into NORAD’s web site and be traumatized by seeing Santa and those fighter jets.

Just distract them this year. Get their minds off of Santa and keep them occupied until Christmas Eve is over with.

Perhaps a little family entertainment as you gather around the fireplace, stockings hung all in a row as you all sip egg nog and have visions of candy canes and stuff while playing a family type video game on your XBox360……….

Like “Grand Theft Auto.”grand theft auto

HEY! Who knows. Maybe your kid will learn to rip off a 2013 Mercedes for ya.

Better than have them think of a career in the military thanks to NORAD and Santa.

Just Sayin.’

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Copyright 20123 MisfitWisdom RLV


About misfit120

Former disc jockey, (Dick Jones) 30 years, and author of, "I Could Have Been Famous But Sex, Love & Life Got In The Way" available at books, & Kindle, "The Covert Chamber" a mystery novel available at and Barnes & Noble, and "Forgotten" the story of two WWI pilots who were forgotten for over 70 years available on and Kindle
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2 Responses to How To Tell If You Do Not Have A Life

  1. katydidknot says:

    This is just like when the whole Tooth Fairy thing taught me that it was okay to sell body parts for money.

    If there’s one thing we can’t risk, it’s Santa Claus losing credibility.

    • leilani parker & Richard Vittorioso says:

      Which is why both the tooth fairy and Santa Claus need to enlist in the military. Then both have a legitimate reason for selling body parts and using fighter jets. Ya think?

      Click here for my daily blog.


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