The 12 days Of Christmas Items: Damn….I Can’t Even Affford Any!


Every year about this time someone comes out with a list of what those “12 Days of Christmas” items will cost you if you were to buy them this year. Not that I personally would want any of those items, well…um….maybe those 9 ladies dancing providing they were from some strip club. I’m kinda shallow that way.

But the rest of that stuff. Who in their right mind is gonna fork out big bucks for what some of those items would cost you today? Donald Trump maybe.

The Associated Press and reporter Kevin Begos took a look at what some of these items would cost today. To quote them, “Buying one set of the gifts mentioned in each verse of the “12 Days of Christmas” would cost you $27,393. AND….if you bought all of the 364 items repeated throughout the carol, you’ll pay $114,651.”

This, they explain, is due to the inflation rate in the United States.

Laughingly referred to by the rest of us working class slugs as the minimum wage staying the same for a gazillions years while everything else rises.12days3

For instance, those seven swans a swimming. Who the hell needs seven swans a swimming anyhow. Unless of course you have a huge swimming pool in your backyard or are just nuts about swans and own a lake or something. Ya know what it would cost to buy those freakin’ swans? $7,000. Hey….go watch em in a damn lake or something like the rest of us poor bastards. And bring bread.

Not only that, but aren’t swans protected by some animal group or something? I dunno, maybe “The National Association For Protecting Swans A Swimming.” (NAFPSAS) Hey…swans need their privacy too ya know.

As that famous philosopher Mitt Romney once said, “Swans are people too.”

Then there’s that damn partridge in a pear tree. One single partridge, (not a member of the singing group the Partridge Family) went from $12.57 up to $15 dollars over the past few years.


Not the actual partridge in a pear tree

When ya think about it however, it might be a lot cheaper to just ask David Cassidy, a former member of the Partridge Family, to come on over Christmas Eve and belt out a few songs for ya. After all, he’s not that popular anymore so you might get a better deal than on that partridge.

AND….at least you’ll understand what the hell he’s singing….unlike the partridge.


This would be the actual partridge

Oh yes…lest we forget that the partridge has to come with its accompanying pear tree. Thirty years ago you could buy a pear tree for $19.95, but at today’s prices that same tree will cost you a whopping $184.

Might be cheaper to actually look into hiring David Cassidy as I said. Instead of that pear tree how about supplying him with a bottle of pear brandy. Lot cheaper than that pear tree if ya ask me.

Hey about a few

Hey Dave…how about doin’ a few songs from yer greatest hits….um….”hit” “I Think I Love You.”

Now those nine ladies dancing. $7,553. WHAT! Cripes, as I mentioned earlier, I can go to a strip club and watch 20 ladies dancing and I don’t even have to wait till Christmas. AND…stuff a sawbuck into their bra or panties and ho ho ho. Merrrrrrry Christmas.

I’d be scrapping those ten lords a leaping too. Who the hell wants a bunch of guys leaping all over the place at a cost of $6,294. I have 3 cats, and for nothing I can watch them leaping anytime I want to.

But there are some items on that list that still cost the same as they did last year. Not that I’d want any of them, but if you’re in the market for any of these, go for it. Like those gold rings and turtle doves. Why you’d want a turtle dove is beyond me, but the rings I can understand. If only to use as a ploy to have your way with those ladies dancing or the maids milking.

11 Pipers piping I can also do without. Even one as far as I’m concerned is too much. Unless they’re also into doing what pipers do in the off-season, which is plumbing work. HEY….not much call for a bunch of pipers piping in the Summer ya know. Unless it’s plumbing piping.


Does sound like that doesn’t it

Drummers drumming? WTF! I like my peace and quite so I sure as hell do not want a bunch of drummers drumming. Besides, I have a pesky woodpecker on my roof that takes care of all the drumming I could yearn for.

I know, I totally forget the rest of the crew. Namely, maids a milking, whatever it is the hell they’re milking. Gawd only knows.

Geese a laying, and, I don’t EVEN wanna know what THAT involves. Considering Hallmark Cards dropped the word “gay” on their Christmas ornaments who the hell knows what “laying” means when it comes to those geese. If ya catch my drift here.

And finally, colly birds. What the hell are colly birds?

(looking it up)

Oh…a “colly bird” is a European blackbird. Yeah, and I’d give one to someone on Christmas why? Seems kinda stupid to go out and spend big bucks on a colly bird when ya can just go outside, throw some crumbs on the ground, and snag a normal everyday blackbird. Do ya think anyone would know or care if it was European or not?

(NOTE) I always thought they were “calling birds,” but, WTF do I know.

So, in conclusion, if any of you out there have any plans to send any of this stuff to me for Christmas…. don’t EVEN think about it.

Um, unless any of those maids a milking or ladies dancing resemble Ms. Fi Fi LaTruse who was part of my one night stand days of Christmas last year.  Heh Heh.


Oops…I meant Fifi, Lolita and Cherie

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About misfit120

Former disc jockey, (Dick Jones) 30 years, and author of, "I Could Have Been Famous But Sex, Love & Life Got In The Way" available at books, & Kindle, "The Covert Chamber" a mystery novel available at and Barnes & Noble, and "Forgotten" the story of two WWI pilots who were forgotten for over 70 years available on and Kindle
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