Shoplifters Like To Steal What? You’re kidding..um….aren’t you?

Aren’t shoplifters supposed to be smart? I mean, ya gotta admit, it does take a great set of balls to walk into a store and shoplift something what with a gazillion security cameras zooming in on you at any given moment.

Unless you have a really good plan. Like dressing up as a really butt ugly person, unless you’re actually naturally butt ugly, and having a very buxom blonde with huge cleavage walk into a store with you. Then those security guys watching those security cameras will be zooming in on her whilst you rip off the entire store. Ingenious plan isn’t it.

But, all that said, apparently a lot of people get caught because they don’t use that butt ugly/buxom blonde ploy, and according to “Market Watch,” (not some guy on a New York street selling watches under his overcoat) and reporter Quentin Fottrell, (wonder how many fart jokes that guy has to endure) shoplifting is still a major problem.

The annual figure for stuff being ripped  from U. S. stores is about $13 billion dollars worth of goods according to the “National Association for Shoplifting Prevention.”

Is it me or is there a “National Association” for just about EVERYTHING?

Obviously nothing suspicious here

Anyhow, “Market Watch” lists the 8 products that are the most desirable when it comes to shoplifting. So I decided to see what they were, and, if I myself were a shoplifter, would I be shoplifting these things. So here they are.

Cosmetics: Stuff like hair growth formula, teeth whitening strips, makeup and facial cream. According to Rachel Shteir, author of “A Cultural History of Shoplifting,” (obviously a number one best selling book) shoplifters who shoplift this stuff are nursing a personal grievance. Like maybe they’re pissed off that they have no hair, have yellow teeth, awful looking facial skin and resemble the evil witch in the Wizard of Oz. My guess anyhow.

And most likely due to the fact that these shoplifters are really ugly, nobody will hire them, or give them credit cards, so the next best thing is to become a shoplifter, shoplift all that cosmetic stuff, and THEN, when ya look really great, resume a normal life with all kinds of credit and an array of credit cards.

Pregnancy tests: Research in shoplifting trends show that these pregnancy test kits are shoplifted because for one, they’re easy to sell on-line and also because younger shoppers, or shoplifters, might be too embarrassed to take them to the register.

“Soooo maam. I see you’ve decided to purchase one of our handy-dandy instant result pregnancy tests. Hmmm….you’re kinda long in the tooth to be buying one of these kits aren’t you?”

So, with that encounter, I can see where ripping off a pregnancy test kit would be on the list of one of the items shoplifted. (just wait till I get to the condoms in a bit)

12 shoplifting days of Christmas

Baby formula is next on the list. This is yet another item that can be sold easily on-line. hence, the attraction for shoplifters. Besides, who the hell is gonna be watching from the security department cameras for ANYONE shoplifting baby formula? HDTV’s, iPods, smartphones, maybe, but freakin’ baby formula! No wonder it’s on this list.

“Pssssst, hey lady…ya wanna buy some really great top of the line baby formula?”

“Um….does it come from Tijuana, Mexico?”

“Um, no. But hey, if ya wanna mix it with some weed to shut your kid up, that might work.”

Hey mom….if its good for ol Bugs….

Mens razors are a hot shoplifting item as well. In fact, it’s one of the most popular stolen items. Mainly because men feel that razors are very overpriced when you consider that anyone with a good top of the line chain saw, and a bit of skill, can achieve the same results shaving without forking over $30 bucks for a Gillette Mach 3. Works for me.

Jewelry, as if we already didn’t know that would be on the list. This was a no brainer due to the number of times “Mr. T” has been caught shoplifting in a J. C. Penny store.

WTF you lookin’ at sucker?

It’s easy to rip off jewelry, according to this article, because jewelry can be worn as you walk out of the store in full view of those security cameras. Which tends to confuse those security guys watching you on camera.

“Hey Harvey, see that person walking out of the store wearing several gold necklaces, a ring on each finger, and several diamond studs on both ears…do ya think that’s kinda suspicious?”

“Nah, I wouldn’t worry about that person Frank. Besides, HE looks kinda well off if ya ask me. I mean, look at that fabulous mink coat he’s wearing.”

Underwear is next on the list. Women shoplifters will put three or four bras on them, three bathing suits, four or five pairs of underwear and then put on regular clothes over all that stuff and walk out the door. These items are fairly easy to shoplift because there are no security cameras in dressing rooms.

Because this is a major problem, and it would be kinda tacky for stores to have cameras in dressing rooms, my suggestion to retailers would simply be to hire that guy who brought down a government agency (ACORN) with his secret videos, James O’Keefe.

WHAT! Doesn’t everybody dress like this?

Um, on second thought, maybe not. He kinda looks like HE just ripped off a fur coat, hat and glasses himself.

iPhone Accessories are a hot item as well. Because most of these accessories are expensive and middle class people can no longer afford many luxury items. Like an iPhone car adapter. Or an ear bud. Reallllly high-priced don’t ya think?

Finally, and this surprised the hell outta me. Condoms. yep…condoms are one of the most shoplifted items too. Now there’s a number of reasons for this. Mainly the embarrassment factor. This is due to the fact that many retailers are keeping them behind locked glass display cases. So you have to get a clerk to help you out.

UM….they make for good balloons at the annual senior center Christmas party?

“ATTENTION…..ATTENTION…..will a clerk in the condom department please help a customer….. STAT!!!!”

“Hello sir, my name is Greta. May I assist you in your condom selection today.”

“Um..well…er…..have ya got something inexpensive, say like maybe one that comes only one in a package?”

“Sir, you want only one condom? We have a huge selection of condoms and most come in five to sex a package…um….I meant five to SIX in a package. Why not just buy these little babies right here, great deal, and they’re only $24.95.”

“$24.95!!!! OMG…..I only need one ma’am.”

“Well, no need to cop an attitude young man. But most people like to stock up on condoms and not just buy one ya know?”

“But, I only need one ma’am.”

“ONE…..ONE!!!! Why the hell would ya only need one?”

“Um….well…er….I met this really hot babe in the KY Jelly aisle, who was wearing six bras, covered in all sorts of expensive jewelry, had an expensive iPhone, and carrying a pregnancy test kit, and really smelled hot with some top of the line cosmetics, so I hit on her and we couldn’t wait to have sex, so I figured we’d head to the dressing rooms, get it on, and that’s why I only need one condom.”

AND…..of course, this falls into the “killing several birds with one shoplifting stone category.”

If ya catch my drift here.

Just sayin.’

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