Panic! Panic! FEMA Want’s My Stash Of Canned SPAM!!! OMG!!!!

I was perfectly fine today until I came across a news story by “CNS” that sent me running down to the basement and taking an inventory of my horde of canned SPAM. Which I stock up on every week just in case there’s a huge monster storm and I need to survive with what I’ve got stashed here in my house. Ya never know.


I’m right there with ya Ed

Consider I’m the only one in my household, excluding the cats, who will eat anything, including SPAM, my other half will most likely starve to death within a matter of days. She absolutely hates SPAM.

The news story, which was really an advertisement infomercial disguised as a news story, was about how an impending disaster which causes people to run out of food will cause millions of people to form food mobs and attempt to get my SPAM horde by banging down my door and making off with my SPAM supply.


And counting……….

Here’s the premise of the advertisement by a company called, “Food4Patriots.” Which I guess means that unless you’re a patriot, (not a New England Patriot) you’re just outta s**t luck if you run out of food and you’re NOT a patriot.

It seems, according to the video that I’ve linked below, that FEMA, (Federal Emergency Management Agency) knows that there is going to be a huge catastrophic event happening soon and they are attempting to buy up as much of those long-lasting food thingy’s called, “MRE’s,” (MEALS READY TO EAT) so that they have it all and we don’t.

Obviously a sinister plot by the Obama administration, along with those dastardly evil villains Boris Dadenov and his partner Natasha Fatale.


“Hello,  FEMA,  I’ve located some idiot who has a stash of canned SPAM in his basement.”

First, take a look at this infomercial for “Food4Patriots” so that you’ll see I’m not pulling your leg, or any other body part. It’s kinda long, as infomercials usually are, so ya might just wanna watch a few minutes of it just to get the point. Which is, to get you to buy a bunch of MRE’s so that when the impending disaster hits, you still might die, but you’ll die with a full stomach.

Ok….now that some of you actually bought into this and are in a state of panic, you can either make out your check to this company and get a supply of food that will last you 25 years, which may or may not include SPAM, or you can simply just go out and by a bunch of canned SPAM, which will also last 25 years, and save yourself a few bucks.

I agonizingly watched the entire video, only pausing for that brief moment when I ran down to my basement to count my cans of SPAM, and then returned, to see if I should panic. I mean if the guy in the video says that he has a letter stating that FEMA wanted to buy up all of his stash, maybe he’s right. THEN, he gets a letter from FEMA wanting to know exactly how much he’s got stashed. Do ya think FEMA is up to no goodnick stuff?


Cigarettes, lottery, and MRE’s at half price

OR….are they just taking an inventory of who has what stashed just in case a major disaster hits, like say a hurricane, tornado, flood, or a Katrina or hurricane Sandy event and they just want to know where they can get supplies in a hurry to help out people.

OR…is it really a sinister plot to stash food in the basement of the White House and the Capital so that the President and Congressmen all have food for whatever it is that ad says is coming. Who knows?


The 2013 kit expected to be a big seller at this year’s Black Friday sales events

So this guy Frank Bates from Nashville, Tennessee, who narrates the ad and has a lot of this MRE food stuff already stashed, is already in a state of panic. Because, as he states in his video, the government, and FEMA, are up to something, soooooo, what I’m gonna do is make the people of the Yew Nited States an offer they can’t refuse, make a lot of money, and retire to Aruba.

My question to Frank is this. (asked using my George Carlin accent)

“Hey Frank. If an impending disaster is gonna hit us and the government is gonna stash all the food they can get their hands on and those of us who don’t have any food will starve to death unless we buy your stash, um, how come you’re not just stashing the stuff for yourself and your family and telling the rest of us losers to f**k off?”

My thinking anyhow.


Now if “Food4Patriots” said, “Hey, prepare for doom with discount Tijuana Gold pot I might have whipped out my checkbook.”

I mean, look at it this way. Obviously Frank believes that FEMA, Obama, Boris and Natasha know something drastic is gonna happen. Ok….good for Frank. BUT, if you were Frank and knew that an impending disaster was gonna happen would YOU give all your food away? Let alone trying to sell it on the Internet.

What the hell is Frank gonna do with all that money he makes from selling those MRE’s if there’s no place to buy anything? Be fat and content in his bunker with all kinds of money and nowhere to spend it?

Of course not. You’d obviously hold onto your food stash and say, “Screw you other motherf****ers.”screw you

I mean, that’s what I’d do. HEY! If you’re not smart enough to stock up on SPAM it ain’t my fault. You wanna go out and send a check off to this guy so that you can have your basement stocked with MRE’s and wait for the big one to happen, go ahead. After all, as Frank indicated in his ad, it only costs about $1.39 per serving. Which I think is less than a can of SPAM.

However, if you do decide to go along with what Frank is pitching, make sure you’re a patriot first, blame Obama for everything, are really scared of Boris and Natasha because of all the things they did to Rocky and Bullwinkle, and ya hate SPAM, then go for the whole ball of wax. Stock up on those MRE’s and sit back and wait for the big one.

Which obviously, as we all know from past experience, will happen soon according to Frank, Nostradamus, the Mayans, and the Revered Harold Camping. All who, I’m sure, either had or have a basement stocked full of MRE’s.

Or canned SPAM.


Um, can we get a 2014 calendar in exchange?

Just sayin.’

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About misfit120

Former disc jockey, (Dick Jones) 30 years, and author of, "I Could Have Been Famous But Sex, Love & Life Got In The Way" available at books, & Kindle, "The Covert Chamber" a mystery novel available at and Barnes & Noble, and "Forgotten" the story of two WWI pilots who were forgotten for over 70 years available on and Kindle
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1 Response to Panic! Panic! FEMA Want’s My Stash Of Canned SPAM!!! OMG!!!!

  1. Katy says:

    If he were here, Dr. Strangelove would have warned us about a SPAM gap.

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