Chicken Little, Goosey Loosey, Henny Penny, (also a convenience store) Ducky Lucky, Goosey Loosey, Foxy Loxy and Turkey Lurkey can all relax. The sky is NOT falling. It’s just a mere 2,000 pound satellite that’s scheduled to come plummeting to Earth this weekend and pulverize some unsuspecting person just walking around minding his own business. Nooooo problem Kemo Sabe.
However, Turkey Lurkey still has to be a bit concerned about the impending doom in HER life considering Thanksgiving is just around the corner.
This time however, NASA is not to blame for this giant satellite. Nope, it’s all the “European Space Agency’s” fault. They launched this giant satellite known as, “”GOCE” or “Gravity Field and Steady-State Ocean Circulation Explorer” in the first place.”
Personally I don’t know how they get “GOCE” outta that. Should be “GFSSOC” as far as I’m concerned. Obviously those Europeans do not know how those acronyms for long names work.
Anyhow, the space satellite ran out of gas last month and now is steadily sinking towards Earth. Where it will land is anybody’s guess. AND…it’s not very comforting that experts, (guys who try to comfort us by telling us not to worry who are all named Alfred E. Neuman) that they expect this 2,000 pound satellite, the size of a Chevrolet Suburban, to land harmlessly in an ocean somewhere.
Unless it is actually a Chevy Suburban and they figure that, what the hell, maybe some collector or car restorer might appreciate getting their hands on a really good Chevy Suburban for dirt cheap. Like for free, if it’s somewhat still intact after it hits the earth, or your driveway, at 6,000 gazillion miles per hour.
Might wanna spread some mattresses all around our house jussssst in case to cushion the fall.
(As of this post the satellite did decide to re-enter the earth’s atmosphere earlier than scientists had expected and burned up harmlessly yesterday. But, for future reference should any other space debris the size of a Chevy Suburban threaten us once again, I decided to post this blog anyhow. That, and the fact that I was too lazy to write another one) HEY! Why waste a good days work writing a stupid blog!
So these brainiac scientists tell us not to worry. The Earth is covered in 70 percent of water, (oceans and your bathrooms) so the chances of it landing somewhere on solid ground are, heh heh, kinda slim.
BUT…..what it if doesn’t land in the ocean? Then what?
Well, according to an article by Jeremy A Kaplan and Fox News, governments are responsible for their own spacecraft. So says Marcia S. Smith, president of the “Space and Technology Policy Group,” (STPG…which I made up an acronym for considering everybody else makes up acronyms)
Marcia goes on to say that if you could prove that a piece of “GOCE” hit your Honda, you could go to your government to make a claim. Yes….I’m sure there are claim forms readily available at your local town hall to cover such events.
Perhaps form number 25693456, “How To File A Claim That A Piece Of Space Debris Hit My Buick and Caused Rrreparable Damage To My Car As Well As Causing Me Extreme Trauma Along With My Dog.” Or just ask for the form by using its acronym, “HTFACTAPOSDHMBCIDTMCAWACMETAWMD.”
Now the European Space Agency’s lawyers, (you know they’re worried if they have lawyers) say that you shouldn’t panic. Nope. Because they cite the fact that as in other space debris, they expect most of this one to burn up on re-entry. (recent photos of those lawyers show them with their fingers crossed)
On the “ESA” blog they posted this message: “Most of these fragments will completely burn up. A small fraction of the initial spacecraft mass – about 20 percent or 200 kilograms, (a mere 440 pounds or one sumo wrestler) is expected to reach ground, distributed across dozens of fragments, spread over a sizable re-entry ground swath.”
Somewhat comforting don’t ya think. Just picture a 440 pound half naked sumo wrestler’s body slamming your butt to the ground after he jumps off of a ten foot ladder.
According to the “United Nations,” (a bunch of nations that are united) if one of those fragments actually hits you, and you live, you’re fully covered. Again….sooooo comforting.
You are covered under the, “Convention on International Liability for Damage Caused by Space Objects.” Otherwise known as, “CILDCSO.” My guess anyhow.
One more point that is extremely important in this article. If you hear a crash, then you run outside and discover that this satellite, or an actual Chevrolet Suburban, has landed on your front lawn, or on your roof, be sure to document the event by taking pictures. Unless you’re unfortunate enough to be the one crushed by this satellite.
In that case, make sure your spouse documents the damage caused by the satellite, along with photos or your demise, if there’s anything left of you, so that those photos can be used to submit your claim to be compensated for your loss.
You’re sure to get big bucks for any damage to your property once you fill out the proper paperwork. As far as big bucks for your spouse if he or she gets pulverized by this satellite, well, not too much cash compensation there.
Unless you own one of those high-priced cars like a Lamborghini and can drag your spouses body into the crushed vehicle and make it appear that he or she were in it at the time the satellite hit the car.
Might wanna hire those U.N. liability people to help you with your claim.
So all in all, considering the threat, as I mentioned earlier is over, you just have to keep an eye open for other space debris that may eventually come plummeting towards us.
But, that said, your chances of getting hit by one of these satellites is practically zilch.
Your chances are much more likely of getting hit by a Chevy Suburban driven by some old coot who read this blog, is driving his Chevy Suburban, keeps looking up at the sky because he still thinks that satellite is still up there, and runs over your butt as you’re trying to cross the street.
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