HEY! My Turkey’s Drunk! Hmmmm, great time to take advantage of it.

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WAIT! Now you can do better by eating a drunken turkey……everybody WILL be happy

Like I’ve always said, if you wanna take advantage of someone, get them drunk first. The same applies to anyone wanting to have their Thanksgiving turkey cooperate with them.

Yep, why wrestle with a damn turkey when ya can get it to simply pull its own feathers off, stuff itself, and then commit suicide by simply walking into a hot oven voluntarily. How simple is that!

Perhaps that’s what turkey farmer Joe Morette from Hanniker, New Hampshire had in mind one hot July day when he popped open a can of beer after a hard days work, knocked the can over, and his pal Tom turkey started drinking the spilled beer.

(I’m assuming the turkey’s name was Tom for the sake of this story as most turkey’s when brought up in a conversation are named Tom)

That incident happened in 1993 while Morette was raising 50 Thanksgiving turkey’s, and since then, both Joe and the turkeys, have been drinking buddies ever since.

However, the turkey’s have no freakin’ clue as to what is in store for them after they get soused. Yep….you guessed it. Betrayal by their friend Joe who sells them off as Thanksgiving turkeys where they all meet their ultimate demise. (sob)

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However, this year Joe’s turkeys had the upper hand

Now Morette insists that because his turkeys drink beer, (the lager type is what they prefer) it makes them fatter, more flavorful and juicier.

Said Morette: “Oh yeah, it’s noticeable. It’s not a strong gamey flavor, it’s a nice turkey flavor.”

Great! Now we got turkeys drinking beer and getting loaded. Next thing ya know we’ll be sitting in a bar next to a damn turkey. Then have to listen to turkeys sing karaoke songs. Um…WAIT!  I think that’s already happening.

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Turkeys in a singles bar

Now you all know that someone, somewhere is gonna step out of the old turkey coop and complain that these turkeys are being mistreated. Well, you were correct in that assumption.

Step in turkey rights activists “PETA” who claim that turkey’s shouldn’t be fed beer and that “farmers across the country presently use questionable practices to keep costs down or to alter the taste of animals’ flesh because their priority is profit, not the animals welfare.”

Profit? Animals welfare? For cripes sake PETA….cut them some slack will ya. OK, OK, the farmers are making a profit from selling turkeys. But they don’t care about the “welfare” of the turkeys? Geez…they’re taking them out to drink with them aren’t they! THAT’s caring about the welfare of turkeys as far as I’m concerned. How else is a turkey gonna buy a Budweiser? Or have a pal drive it home after one too many.

But a poultry expert with “The University of New Hampshire,” Carl Majewski, said it’s unlikely that the birds are suffering. “I don’t know exactly how much beer each turkey is consuming, but it would have to be a lot in order for it to kind of have the same effect as too much beer on people.”

You know, like when people get bombed and act obnoxious and stuff. Nothing worse than a obnoxious turkey bombed outta its tree. Ya never know what can happen then.

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Exactly my point. What happens when turkeys have too much beer

Majewski went on to say, “I imagine it’s not enough to really make em’ tipsy or anything like that. It’s just enjoying a beer with their meal. Why not?”

Yes! Enjoying a beer with their cracked corn. How great is that! How many times have any of you downed a good Heineken after some really great tasting corn on the cob. Wouldn’t be the same without those suds pal. So why can’t turkey’s enjoys the same thing? Who cares? As long as they don’t light up a smoke after dinner and drinking. Don’t want no turkeys developing cancer or anything ya know.

And furthermore and forsooth, Kathi Brock, national director of “Human Heartland,” which oversees the treatment of farm animals, said that standards for the “American Humane Association” do not prohibit serving beer to animals.

Only the under age ones or those that cannot produce a valid drivers license.turk10

She went on to say, “I consulted with an avian veterinarian who said that while giving beer to turkeys is not standard protocol, hops could be beneficial for the intestinal tract.”

Which is usually the excuse men give for scarfing down several beers until they get blotto.

“Look at you Marvin. Just look at you. You’re drunk and totally disgusting!”

“Hic…..yeah, (burp) but my intestinal tract really feels great.”

Morette’s turkeys are not the first animals to go on drunken beer binges. Japanese farmers have been feeding their cattle beer to stimulate their appetites. Which is the main reason you see a lot of cattle hanging out at sushi bars in Japan.

Even the French are getting in on the deal. They’ve been experimenting with feeding cows the remainders of pressed grapes to produce meat that they call, “Vinbovin.” Which I think means, in English, “Vino Cow.” Just a guess, but if THAT’s perfected by the French I bet more guys would be willing to milk cows.

Hmmm. Isn’t there a wine called, “Bully Hill” already. Why those sneaky French. They’ve already perfected it!

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Ok..Ok…so it’s a damn goat…so what!

So far the only problem Morette has with feeding his turkeys beer is the occasional tipsy turkey. During a recent feeding a bunch of turkeys dipped their beaks into the beer in a watering trough. A few minutes later, one of the birds appeared kind of dazed, it’s eyes narrowed to slits and bear dribbling out of its beak.

The rest of the turkeys appeared to be alert and showed no signs of drunkenness. Which obviously means that one turkey just doesn’t know when to quit. Always one in every crowd.

So, if you really wanna spice up your Thanksgiving meal this year, you can buy one of Mr. Morette’s beer drinking turkeys and give uncle Frank and the rest of the yahoos an early start on drinking, via deceased Tom.

Or, I suppose you could go full hog, so to speak, and buy one of those French cows and serve up some really fresh tasting udderly delicious wine.

Hmmmm. Maybe we should just skip the turkey in light of what those PETA people say about treatment of animals. I mean, suppose it were the other way around?turk6

Just sayin.’

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About misfit120

Former disc jockey, (Dick Jones) 30 years, and author of, "I Could Have Been Famous But Sex, Love & Life Got In The Way" available at Amazon.com books, & Kindle, "The Covert Chamber" a mystery novel available at Amazon.com and Barnes & Noble, and "Forgotten" the story of two WWI pilots who were forgotten for over 70 years available on Amazon.com and Kindle
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2 Responses to HEY! My Turkey’s Drunk! Hmmmm, great time to take advantage of it.

  1. Katy says:

    Oh sure: It’s all fun and games until a family of four in Toledo gets run down by a drunk turkey in a Buick.

    • leilani parker & Richard Vittorioso says:

      Yes….exactly my point Katy. Then before ya know it all kinds of animals being cited for DWI’s.

      Click here for my daily blog.https://misfit120.wordpress.com

      ________________________________

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