Breaking… (as in breaking wind) News. Help With Flatulence. (farting)

fart11

At Last! A new product that revolutionizes the art of flatulence…..um….at least the odor part.

(for the sake of simplicity “flatulence” shall be further referred to as “farts” or farting”)

You know how it goes folks, you’re on a hot date and really wanna impress that hot babe you’re with, when suddenly the urge to let one rip completely overcomes that crucial moment. What to do?

Well, most of us simply head to a far corner of the room, fart our brains out, and then beat feet back to whatever the hell we were doing. Leaving those in the part of the room you let one go in screaming for mercy or showing signs of terror and disgust on their faces while blaming one another for farting.

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But wait…..sniff….sniff…..OMG!!!!

However, relief is on the way. Thanks to a British inventor, Paul O’Leary, who has invented a fart odor suppressor. Hey…if they can make air fresheners for just about anything, why not for farts. My thinking anyhow.

“NOW….New Glade Fart Suppressors….in a handy carry around applicator. Just strap it to your belt and let er rip.” Another fine product from the folks who care at Johnson & Johnson.”

Now this idea has been, along with farts, floating around for some time as evidenced in this video (below) which was shown on “Saturday Night Live.”

(NOTE) The video below may not be accessible. (idiot censor factor) If it isn’t, simply pause for a moment, go to “You Tube” and key in Brian Cooney’s “Gas Rights Adhesive Strip” video. Then come on back.

If you watched that video, it might be a really great idea, although it sorta looks a bit uncomfortable to me. But, I CAN grasp the concept.

So how does this fart odor suppressor work? Well, it’s a combination of fabrics that tend to absorb fart odors as the fart emerges from your butt. Thereby making it totally impossible for anyone to point the finger at you when the fart odor emerges. Providing of course that you can actually let one go without a sound. You know, those silent but deadly ones.

And of course, get the hell outta the area before it hits.

A diagram showing how farts are trapped in fart surpression fabric

Diagram showing how farts are trapped in fart suppression fabric

You can totally look completely innocent and perhaps even blame whoever else is in the nearby fart vicinity. Isn’t that great!

Now these fart odor suppressors do not come in “Dirty Harry” sizes, such as a 45 magnum. They come in regular panty or brief sizes and the prices range from $45 dollars for men, (bigger farts) and $35 dollars for women, (smaller farts.) They’re called “Shreddies Undergarments” and although, as I said, won’t silence farts, will make them less deadly.

The activated carbon cloth material called, “Zorflex,” is sandwiched between layers of regular fabric and it absorbs and traps the offending fart odor before if can make its way out into the open and have everybody in the room running for cover or gagging. Including any family pets.

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Rednecks take farting serious

The fabric has gone through rigorous testing, I guess in a fart lab where researchers wore gas masks, or tested the fabric in separate rooms or small cubicles resembling phone booths. Just a guess,

Findings from research at the Dr. Monfart University, (UK)…um…sorry, got that wrong, it’s the “Dr. Monfort University” were presented at the “8th Textile Institute World Conference” (Where that was I haven’t a clue.) Most likely where there’s a lot of wind.

And how they presented their findings, one can only imagine. Maybe they had a bunch of researchers or volunteers eat hot chili and burrito sandwiches prior to the conference and then told them to hold in their farts till the meeting, and then, when it came time to demonstrate the new fart odor suppression clothing, farted their brains out. One can only guess.

The material can filter out odors 200 times the strength of the average fart emission. Which leads me to believe that possibly they had emissions testing facilities all over Britain to test for fart emissions. Like as we here in the U.S. have our cars tested at an emissions center. But the smell isn’t that bad.

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The very first emissions testing

Presently researchers are now working on fart noise suppression. Which obviously would compliment this new fart odor suppression garment.

Obviously this is great news for those of us who simply have farttinitius. Which is the inability to suppress a fart. Most seniors have this problem along with a lot of people who frequent “Taco Bell,” and “Chilis” restaurants.  Which is why you never see a lot of people in those restaurants at any given time.

Which also is the main reason “Taco Bell” has a very fast drive thru.fart7

This is not good news for some people however. Like people who like to walk around and ask you to pull their finger. Which is pretty funny if you have stored up one of those really noisy farts. Cracks me up every time I do it…..um…..used to do it….yeah, that’s right, USED to do it.

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The very first “pull” my finger” joke

I don’t know if I really wanna spend $45 dollars on suppressing fart odors however. I mean, sometimes farts do come in handy. Like when you wanna clear a room so that you can have first dibs on the buffet. Or if you want to have an elevator all to yourself. Takes perfect timing on that last one however. You have to actually fart first before anyone else gets on. Otherwise you risk the chance of getting your ass kicked by the other passengers on the elevator.

Horror On The 10th Floor

This new invention does not work on brain farts

I personally think the only place a fart odor suppressor would serve its purpose would be when you’re in bed at night with your other half and have to let one rip…..and its a “silent but deadly one.” Those suckers just hang in there under the covers for freakin’ hours.fart1

AND….there ain’t nobody else around to blame when there’s only two of you in bed.

Unless you live in a commune……….

Then you’re pretty much safe.

Just sayin.’

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About misfit120

Former disc jockey, (Dick Jones) 30 years, and author of, "I Could Have Been Famous But Sex, Love & Life Got In The Way" available at Amazon.com books, & Kindle, "The Covert Chamber" a mystery novel available at Amazon.com and Barnes & Noble, and "Forgotten" the story of two WWI pilots who were forgotten for over 70 years available on Amazon.com and Kindle
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