Moving To Texas Will Save All Of Mankind…..Huh?

texas2

I definitely will get a lot of Texan flack from today’s blog. Maybe even find a horse head in my bed when I wake up in the morning. Um….on second thought, maybe not….the horse head that is. No self-respecting Texan is gonna do in a horse just to make a point. Cow maybe, but definitely not a horse head.

I still suspect that the horse head found in Jack Woltz’s bed in the movie “The Godfather” was put there by some Easterner. Only because I’ve never heard of any Mafia type guys coming from Texas. Or ever heard any Mafia type guy in “The Godfather” say, “We’re gonna put a hit out on Luigi Goombadadda ya all.”

m

Aghhhhhhh! Oh Noooo….Mr. Ed!

Anyhow, “Time Magazine” had a big article on why Texas is gonna save us all by, as Time stated in their cover story, “The United States of Texas…..Why The Lone Star State is America’s Future.”

Yep….podner, saddle up ol Paint and go West young man. Which apparently a lot of people are doing these days due to a number of factors. Besides a handful of fugitives from justice.

m

And you can be in the oil business….kinda

Some points about why Texas is the “future of America” according to “Time.”

Southfork Ranch, owned by the late J.R. Ewing is the major producer of oil for the United States.

Um, no, sorry, that’s not true, but that was my first thought.

m

AND…if you’re dead you can still vote

One of the reasons is as follows.

Home prices along with a “low-cost of living, helped along by cheap labor, cheap produce, and cheap gas.”  So basically the word here is “cheap.” Like gas for instance which is $3 dollars a gallon in deference to $3.70 a gallon here in Connecticut. BUT…..I look at it this way…..all of New England could fit into the state of Texas, so, because it’s THAT big, obviously gas has to be cheaper or no one would ever make it home at night.

Which would in turn cause many marital problems with spouses accusing one another of screwing around, when in reality it takes 3 hours of driving time to get from the barn to the house in Texas. Unlike here in Connecticut where it takes 10 minutes to get to a Home Depot.

m

Hearing that Home Depot prices were lower in Mexico, Texans voted to secede

So I’m assuming that because Texas is soooo big, they use a lot of gas getting from their houses to a local store and back, that gas should be cheaper because Texans need a lot of gas, and we here on the East coast do not. So therefore and forsooth, supply and demand. My guess anyhow.

Besides, I think cattle and horses outnumber Texans 10 to one. And, as we all know, cattle and horses do not own cars or drive, hence the need to have lower gas prices in Texas so that live people will buy it.

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It’s also legal to marry your horse in Texas

Jobs in Texas are in abundance as well, which attracts lots of people. In the past 12 months Texas has added 274,700 new jobs. 51 percent more than California. BUT…..most of these, according to “Dallas Federal Reserve” president Richard Fisher, (no relation to Eddie or Carrie) says, “My uninformed friends usually say, ‘But Texas creates low-paying jobs.’ To that I respond, You are right. We create more low-paying jobs in Texas than anybody else. But we also created more high paying jobs.”

m

Where Texas oil really comes from

So I guess it’s a win win situation if you move to Texas. You can hold on to your low-paying or high-paying job elsewhere, or move to Texas and get a new low-paying or high-paying job. But, the scenery is really great. Plus, you can walk around singing, “Home Home On The Range” in Texas and nobody will think you’re a freakin’ nutjob. As they would out here on the East coast.

As will you be able to wear one of those ten gallon cowboy hats and boots with ostrich-skin designs and nobody think you’re a nutjob. Excluding Ted Cruz that is.

m

These are either Ted Cruz’s ostrich cowboy boots, real ostrich feet, or Ted Cruz barefoot

Tara Connolly who moved to Texas says that you shouldn’t be scared of making the move West. She said that she found Texas a welcoming place. “Everyone is just so friendly and they look you in the eye.”

Unlike out here on the East coast where they look you in the eye and say, “WTF you lookin’ at mother****er.”

m

Unfortunately for Slim, the phone had not been invented yet

I for one am not enticed by “Time’s” article. For a number of reasons.

First of all, I’m kinda short and would not look really great in a ten gallon hat or those ostrich-skin cowboy boots. Unless of course those boots had 8 inch heels. BUT….considering that didn’t work out quite well for me during the disco years with platform shoes, I don’t think it would help me in Texas.

(when I wanted to increase my height during those disco years by wearing platform shoes, the tall guys wore them too, so basically I resembled a dwarf)

I don’t think I’d make it either as a cowpoke, as I do not especially like to walk around dodging cow patties and poking cows.

m

And you can pick up women easily on the East coast without having to open cattle guards. Plus, we have automatic doors.

As far as Texas being really big with a lot of wide open spaces. Well, I’m quite satisfied driving 5 minutes to my local “Henny Penny” convenience store in deference to driving a half hour just to get to the end of my driveway in Texas.

To me, Texas is just way to damn freakin’ big for my tastes. AND….I betcha half the stores in Texas cater to big people. Yeah….WTF is with that? Do ya ever see a “Small Men’s Shop” anywhere? NO!  Not even out here on the East coast where there are quite a few small guys like me walkin’ around.

So what do ya think the chances of finding small clothes out there are! Zilch!

m

And was shortly arrested thereafter on a charge of being horny in public

So, ya might wanna pick up a copy of this week’s “TIME” just to make that decision about going West yourself. Don’t want you to be influenced by my own personal opinion.

But….if you do decide to move out there after you’ve read that article, and once you’re there, if you’re under 5 feet 5 inches tall, don’t come crying to me because you wind up spending big bucks on chiropractor bills because you have a crick in yer neck from looking up at all those tall Texans…………and tall cows.

m

Um….and as far as the Texas school system is concerned……

Just sayin.’

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About misfit120

Former disc jockey, (Dick Jones) 30 years, and author of, "I Could Have Been Famous But Sex, Love & Life Got In The Way" available at Amazon.com books, & Kindle, "The Covert Chamber" a mystery novel available at Amazon.com and Barnes & Noble, and "Forgotten" the story of two WWI pilots who were forgotten for over 70 years available on Amazon.com and Kindle
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2 Responses to Moving To Texas Will Save All Of Mankind…..Huh?

  1. katydidknot says:

    I’m in Texas, and this blog post looked really funny. I’m going to have to wait until my horse explains some of the jokes to me to know for sure, though.

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