Look folks. I’m as horny as the next guy. In fact, most men’s brains operate on a 24/7/365 schedule when it comes to thoughts about sex. In deference to most women who think about sex about as many times as there are eclipses of the moon. And THAT’S even debatable.
Yes, we men are just perverts with one thing on our minds. Other than football and baseball. SEX!
And those of us men who do not have a steady partner, or are married, usually have to find ways to release our sexual desires one way or another. You know what I’m talking about. Hand to hand combat, if ya catch my drift.
BUT…..sticking my penis into a toaster is NOT a way I personally would consider using to get some satisfaction. Maybe…..just maybe if they made a toaster out of Nerf material and painted sexy woman images on it I might just consider it. Maybe. But an actual toaster….no freakin’ way.
However, the “London Fire Brigade,” which I assume is in London, as in England, is asking the public to use some common sense after their firefighters had to assist some idiot whose penis was stuck in a toaster.
“Hello, 911….um….can ya send those fire brigade guys over to my place right away!!”
“Yes sir. What seems to be the emergency?”
“Um…well…er……I’m a single guy and I live alone and I get very lonely sometimes and I’m not very good-looking and when I get lonesome I um…..er….think of how I can satisfy myself and………………..”
“SIR! Get to the point….what’s the emergency?”
“OK OK…um….my penis is stuck in my toaster and I can’t get it out.”
(laughter in the background at 911 headquarters)
“Sorry sir….we were watching “England’s Funniest Home Videos.”
“Ok…but can ya help me here?”
“Oh sure, the paramedics are already coming. Oops…coming…ha, ha, ha…did ya get that bit of humor….coming?”
“No…just help me for cripes sakes!”
“Ok. So how did this unfortunate penis hangup happen sir?”
“Um, well, I was extremely horny and was making myself a snack after watching some porno movies, and not having any female companionship I began to think of what would give me the same sensation as making love to a woman. You know, warm and hot and tight and…….”
“WAIT! You saw the toaster and it reminded you of a woman’s body part?”
“Well, um, yeah, kinda.”
“Sooooo you stuck your penis into the toaster slot to get your jollies?”
“Um…..yeah, and then I couldn’t get it out after I…….”
“WAIT! I really don’t wanna know the after part sir. AND…is the toaster presently unplugged?”
“Gawd….no….should I unplug it?”
“Yes sir…lest you pass out from the trauma, fall on the toaster on switch and have to go through the rest of your life with a penis resembling an Oscar Mayer Weiner that just came off a barbecue grill.”
Now if you think this guy is a complete idiot, consider this fact. The London Fire Brigade have received calls from nine other men with rings stuck on their woodys, four people with their hands stuck in blenders and five people with their hands stuck in paper shredders. No mention as to if any sexual activity were involved in those incidents.
I’m getting a bit squeamish just thinking about that paper shredder never mind the damn toaster.
The Fire Brigade said that the 1,300 emergency calls involving people stuck or trapped since 2010 included that guy with his doo dad stuck in a toaster, an adult stuck in a child’s toy car and 79 people who were unable to free themselves from handcuffs donned for amorous purposes.
Third Officer David Brown said, “I don’t know whether it’s the “Fifty Shades” effect, but the number of incidents involving items like handcuffs seems to have gone up.”
I’m thinking that it’s either what he said, the “Fifty Shades” effect, OR, there are a lot of ugly women in England.
(NOTE) If I ever visit England and stay at a bed and breakfast inn, NEVER have toast with my morning breakfast.
I just can’t imagine being THAT horny that I’d want to stick my penis into a damn toaster. Or any appliance for that matter. Um…well….maybe a glove type pot holder with an image of a hot babe on it….but that’s it!
And pot holders really aren’t appliances, and they ARE kinda soft and inviting and warm, if you decide to have relations with them immediately after taking something out of the oven.
Not that I would EVER do that mind you.
Unless, I actually did live in England, where, as I said earlier, I’m pretty sure there must be a lot of ugly women around for any guy to consider sticking his Johnson into a toaster.
Then that pot holder might be an option.
No chance of getting my woodster stuck in that.
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