Esquire Magazine has named Scarlett Johansson as the sexiest woman alive.
Sorry about that photo error. Stories about sex tend to cloud up my mind.
*Caution and a warning to all men. This is one of those instances where you’ve read that “Esquire Magazine” just named Scarlett Johansson the sexiest woman alive, and you’re all excited and turned on, because, she apparently IS the most sexiest woman alive, BUT your girlfriend or spouse walks into the room and catches you ogling Scarlett’s photos as you’re drooling, and, perhaps have a slight bulge in your pants, at which point this then falls into the, “Do I look fat in these jeans,” category, which all women attempt to spring on any male and know that they’re never going to get a “yes” response to, because, as males, we do not have a death wish.
So, when you’re caught ogling Scarlett’s photos, and your girlfriend or spouse walks in the room and she asks you, “So, you think SHE’s the sexiest woman alive. The correct response, providing you do not have an early death wish, is to simply reply, “Oh, she’s hot looking and kinda sexy but she’s really not my type honey. That’s why I have you.”
Hence, death by girlfriend or spouse avoided. She then leaves the room, and you can continue your ogling of Scarlett.
Ok….um, has she left the room? Great….here’s one more of Scarlett.
So, warnings aside, it’s true. “Esquire” has decided that Scarlett is the sexiest woman alive.
I of course kinda agree, but, being of shallow mind and body, think that there were many other choices as well that Esquire could have considered.
Like my other half for instance, who I think IS the sexiest woman alive.
HEY! I’m not stupid ya know. Think “I” have a freakin” death wish.
(she edits my blog)
Now choosing the sexiest woman alive is no easy task. I don’t think I would have wanted to be on that Esquire panel who had to make the final decision as to who that woman would be. Mainly because I personally think most women are sexy in one way or another. And at my age, any woman that’s alive and flashes her stuff at me is sexy. I’m sooooo easy.
So I wouldn’t have made a good judge for Esquire.
But, that said, I decided to list my own MisfitWisdom candidates for sexiest woman alive. Or maybe the second or third sexiest woman alive. Or just that fact that they’re alive.
So lets begin with my first choice, Charlize Theron. Any woman with a man’s name and a woman’s body is tops on my list. For some reason having sex with a woman named Charlize, or “Charlie” as I would call her is kind of a turn on. Why? I don’t have a freakin’ clue. Same applies to any woman named Sam. Go figure.
Lucy Liu is next on my list. She has that continually innocent look on her face and great legs. She’s kinda short too. That’s a plus considering I could pass for dwarf status. My other half is 5′ 7″ in deference to me, at 5′ 4″ and I’m constantly talking to her boobs at my height. Which I’m not complaining about mind you.
Sofia Vergara is next. Only because she IS hot looking and from Columbia. Which is also a district of Washington, D.C., (District of Columbia) and I figure she must be pretty smart when it comes to politics, so she could teach me a lot. On the couch at night, naked, while holding a piece of legislation.
Angie Harmon’s voice does it for me as far as being sexy. It’s kind of raspy yet sensual. And she knows how to handle a gun as evidenced in her TV show, “Rizzoli & Isles”. So I’d never have to worry about her getting hit on by other guys.
Rebecca Romijn because I still have that image from her dressed in that “X-Men” outfit. Um….it WAS an outfit wasn’t it?
Eva Longoria Parker simply because she’s Eva Longoria Parker and I really want to see her hook up with Tampa Bay Rays baseball player Evan Longoria so that she could be Eva Longoria Parker Longoria.
Maria Sharapova the tennis player. Any woman who can play with a set of balls like Maria deserves to be named the sexiest woman alive in my book.
Stana Katic from the TV series “Castle” also floats my boat. (in my case it’s an ancient ark) But for cripes sake why is it she can’t call Castle by his first name. WTF is with that? I mean she’s already slept with the guy and she can’t even call him by his first name!
Another one on my list is Sophia Bush from “One Tree Hill.” Only because I not only think she’s hot looking and very sexy, but as a comedy writer I can think of a gazillion ways to use her last name in some of my off-color jokes. I don’t think I have to explain that one to you.
There were many more I had on my list for sexiest woman alive, but why bore you with my fantasies, which number into the thousands. But I will add just one more because she is my favorite choice for sexiest woman alive and has been for many an eon. She’s a bit older than most of the woman I’ve listed today, but she still has it as far as I’m concerned.
And a note to Esquire. This next woman, although not as young as the ones I’ve listed, still has it and perhaps Esquire should consider an issue entitled, “The Older Sexiest Woman Alive.” After all, us older guys still do have pulses ya know.
Marg Helgenberger. The photos below should say it all with no further explanation required.
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