Just when you think it’s safe to come out of the house, another stinkin’ (literally) bug is out there waiting to make your life miserable. And this particular bug actually does stink.
It’s called the “Stink Bug,” because, as I just said, it stinks. Pay attention here for cripes sake.
Think I’m kidding. Look at this girls tweet on Twitter:
“THERES LITERALLY A STINK BUG IN MY ROOM SOMEONE HELP I THINK IM GONNA DIE OMGOMGOMGGG HYPERVENTALATING”
I have no idea if she actually died or not. Might wanna check her out on Twitter.
“Buckets of these things are coming.” So says Phil Pellitter of the University of Wisconsin. And he should know because he’s a bug expert. Which may also explain why he has no friends and no one ever visits his house.
These stinkin’ bugs have already raised havoc in Alabama, Wisconsin, Indiana and Virginia. Dropping down the necks of unsuspecting people. Creeping across bedroom floors. Turning on your TV when you’re not home. Um, well maybe not that last one, but I’m sure some bug at some point will master that and we’ll have yet another invasion.
One resident in Pennsylvania, Drema Brubaker says that it’s like the Alfred Hitchcock movie “The Birds.” THEY’RE EVERYWHERE!!!! THEY’RE EVERYWHERE!!!!
So why are these stinkin’ stink bugs all of a sudden posing a problem? Who TF knows?
Well, actually that bug guys knows. According to him, these bugs like warm weather so they’re obviously seeking out warm places. Which, if you leave your door or windows open a crack, they will seize that opportunity and move on in.
No problem you say to yourself. I see one of those stinkin’ bugs and I’m gonna squish it.
Well, yes, you may send that stiinkin’ bug off to bug heaven, however, there is just one minor glitch with that strategy. Um, they stink. Only after you squish it. AND, if ya do that, the odor stays around for days on end.
So, you have some options here.
Either you and the stink bug come to terms with each other and work out some living arrangements, lest you squish it and your house stinks to the high heavens, or you could follow advice from “Pest World.”
Like “seal off all the entry points in your home.” Let no one in that resembles a bug. If the UPS or FedEx guy knocks on your door, smell him first….jussssst to be on the safe side. If he stinks, it could be a stink bug in disguise. Same for politicians and those religious people knocking on your door.
“Turn off the lights because stink bugs are attracted to light.” “Pest World” didn’t say why they are attracted to light, but my guess would be that perhaps because they stink so badly they are in need of companionship and when they see a light on in your house they might be seeking companionship.
“Reduce moisture sites” Which is quite self explanatory. Unless you tend to cry a lot while watching those soaps on TV or a tear jerker movie….then you’re basically screwed.
“Eliminate food sources.” Meaning that you should store food in air tight containers and dispose of garbage regularly in sealed receptacles. If you per chance live with someone who’s a freakin’ slob and gets crumbs all over the place…um……you’re gonna have company. Lots of “stinkin” company if ya catch my drift.
“Properly Landscape.” WHAT? Now I have to landscape my damn property because of a stinkin’ bug? WTF!
Apparently these stink bugs like firewood and shrubs. So you’re supposed to trim your shrubs, branches and keep firewood 20 feet away from your house and five inches off the ground. I guess this is because stink bugs can’t crawl up things that are not touching the ground. GREAT! But, they CAN crawl up your legs. How the hell do ya get around that Pest World?
“Think before squishing.” Which I mentioned earlier because this is where the stink bug stinks. When ya squish it.
What to do?
According to this bug expert, instead of squishing the bug, get your vacuum cleaner and suck the little bastards up.
Oh sure, then WTF are ya supposed to do with a vacuum cleaner bag loaded with six hundred stink bugs?
Here are a few options should you go the vacuum cleaner route.
Mail them to your ex in a flat envelope marked “Fragile” or “Do Not Bend” and send it via UPS or FedEx. You know those guys always ignore those warnings on packages. So, when it gets to you ex’s house…..p—-ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!
Unhappy with the way Congress is doing its job. Pack them little stink bugs up into a jar, (do not squish them first) travel to Washington, D.C., attend a session of Congress with your jar of stink bugs and a pea shooter, and the minute one of those jerks gets up to speak, whip out a stink bug, squish and load it into your pea shooter, and take aim.
Um, wait a sec. That might not work.
Congress stinks so bad now that those congressmen might not even know the difference between they way they stink and an actual stink bug.
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